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I went to the gym today...and while normally I will work out for an hour, I spent 30 minutes working out and the other 30 minutes having an anxiety attack in the locker room- crying my eyes out because I feel so alone.

So...for context: my wife is a soldier and is gone a lot. Her work keeps her away until about 6pm every day. That wasnt so bad until she decided that she wanted to start hitting up the gym with her buddies. I can't say that I was against the idea...she has been lazy for the last couple of years, and getting weaker and skinnier makes her depression worse. When she feels weak it makes our relationship pretty shitty...it means no intimacy, and all she ever does is watch TV. So I was all for her doing something to get her off her a**.

But what bothered me was that before she just 'decided' she was going to do this- she had made plans to go to the gym with me. We fought about it...and unfortunately, she made a point. She wants to do extreme workouts. She wants to do things that I can not muster in my physical state. She is correct in saying that if we worked out together at my pace, I would be holding her back...
So in the end we agreed that she was better off working out with the guys.

...but while I understand she wants to improve, her improving keeps her away from me. That's an extra 2 hours I dont see her at night. And I will admit I am bitter with the progress she has made. I'm not bitter because she is getting better but I'm bitter that she is getting better because she has her friends to guide her...she has a road map to succeed...and I dont.

She gets to work out with motivated people, and people that have been super fit before. She has people that push each other and encourage each other while I have to get up and go to the gym all alone. I wander around, try all the machines, entertain myself with my handheld while doing my cardio.
If I feel like stopping, there is no one there to push me...and no matter how hard I feel like I am working, it feels like I never see the results.

Meanwhile my wife gets a 4-pack and a slimmer tummy. She talks about how her calves are looking better, how her arms are getting stronger, and I look at myself and feel like a fat sack of potatoes.

And it's not like the gym has improved *other* areas of our life which further makes me feel unwanted and unattractive.

...and on the weekends...it should feel better, but it doesnt.

On saturday she goes to the gym again (I'm going with her from now on to feel included)- and then the rest of our day is spent playing D&D. I won't lie, I dont like this new campaign. I didn't like it from day one and while my wife wants to give it a chance, I'm over it. I dont like the people I'm playing with...and I dont like spending all day in a house that smells like dog piss. I dont like how the game is manipulated by someone who is not even running the damn game and how the one running it just lets people do whatever.
But if I didnt play, then what? That's 6 more hours I dont get to spend with my wife. Thats 6 more hours where she is off having fun and I feel alone, ostracized, and empty. So that's why I go...that's why I suck it up and literally grumble through my Saturdays...because if not that then, when would I ever have time to connect with my wife?

She doesnt get it. She feels like spending time in the same room is the same as 'quality time together'. She feels like if she spends all day cleaning while I'm forced to listen to the same dumb shows over-and-over again/ she thinks that we are 'bonding' and enjoying each other's company.
But I'm the opposite. I want to go on dates, on walks, on drives. I want to cuddle on the couch and AGREE on a show, or maybe play some multiplayer games! I want to kiss and be intimate...and just because she says cleaning will 'help me out' by not having to worry about it during the week, I have said it a million times to her: she is not doing me any favors, she is just making me more and more angry, lonely, and depressed.

So today I lost it...at the gym. I cried and had snot dripping on my shirt. I told her I was bitter...I told her being alone hurts me. She promised me a date Sunday...and maybe it will help. But I think it still goes over her head that even in this relationship, I feel alone.

1. Everything I do to better myself
2. Everything I do to better our living situation
3. Everything I do to ease her stress and help with her depression

I do it alone.

...and I shouldnt be feeling so alone...

But at least she's trying to understand. She agreed to counseling if it might help us find a way to reach some middle ground. We dont scream or fight...it's not abusive like it was with Taz. She promised no cleaning this weekend and that we would just cuddle and spend time together. She really does her best to help put me at ease and make me feel better. Even if she truly is clueless as to how...

But we are 2 broken people with 2 different types of depression trying to make it work. Nowadays it's just trying to figure out whose is more selfish...where all I want is quality time with my wife without other humans involved (and some intimacy), and hers is about bettering herself even if it means she spends less time with me.

Guess I just had to put it out there somewhere. sad