She had broken her own rules that she had set up for our visit, and when I finally stood up for myself, told her that I wasn't going to let her play with my heart anymore, she punished me...
That next morning, I tried to apologize...like a fool. I knew I had nothing to apologize for, but I was broken. Mentally and emotionally, this woman had broken me until there was nothing else. I told myself that if this visit went bad, then I was done...done with everything, done with life. I had the bridge picked out, one where the current was strong and they wouldn't find my body for awhile. I just didn't want to be alive if I had to endure any more torture only to go back to complete and utter abandonment in a foreign country. That's where my life was at that point in 2014. That's how much I was broken down by a single person that had said that they 'loved' me.
But the apology did not make things better. It resulted in Taz's hand gripping at the color of my shirt, stretching it out as she dragged me around her room, yelling at me to get my things. The trains were still on strike, the weather was still rainy, the air was cold. I had no money. she knew this, but she was kicking me off of base anyways. She knew that I could get robbed, that I didn't have money for food, didn't even have the change for a bathroom...but she didn't care because she couldn't use me anymore, so she wanted me gone.
And that was it. she kicked me off base. I remember my backpack breaking as I made the trek down to the train station. Games of mine falling into the rushing creek down below. I tried calling Taz over-and-over...with no response. Finally I told her that I just needed a number, any number of someone with a car. I would leave her alone if she gave me just one number...and then that's when she gave me Ruby's number. And Ruby saved me that day.
So for the last 5 years...this day has been met with thankfulness and celebration. Looking back on that moment where a piece of me died, but then the rest of me was saved by the mighty wolf that I would fall madly in love with. It seemed like the perfect love story. Even on FB, my last passage about this day that I wrote last year was met with hearts and comments like: "Omg my favorite couple." and "Glad you guys are together" and "So glad you are part of our family" and "You guys were made for each other".
I thought we were meant to be too...but now look where I am. This time, this year, on this day, I'm not celebrating the day that my life was saved. I am lamenting. I am lamenting that my wife, that mighty wolf that picked me back up, wants a divorce, has already served me papers, has blocked me on everything, and has been spreading lie after lie about the things I supposedly did to make her fall out of love with me.
The person that I would hold after she had nightmares says we had no connection.
The person I would stay up to touch, to massage, to caress, says that there was no intimacy.
The person who just spent $400 on JUNK (non-essentials) via amazon, says that I was the reason that we never had any money.
The woman who talks to her ex DAILY says that it bothers her that maybe once every month I would say hello to an old friend that I dated back in HIGH SCHOOL.
The person who picked me up because I had been abandoned...has now abandoned me.
And why?
So it's not a day to celebrate. It's a day where I am instead locked in confusion. What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Why didn't she tell me she was unhappy? Why does she not care about me when I still care so much about her?
And then the biggest hypothetical question of them all - even if it is near impossible: "What would I do if she wanted me back?"
It's something I spent the night mulling over. what would I do? It's not like this was some girlfriend...no, this was my wife of 3 years, this was the person I gave 6 years of my life to. I don't NOT want her back, but I'm not completely sure I could trust her again either. If I took her back...I mean, there would be conditions. She would have to deal with me having a job and going to school. I would not give those things up like I had before. I would have my own bank acct whether she liked it or not, with my own savings that she could not touch...and couple's counseling and individual therapy would be MANDATORY. But would I turn her down? I can't tell you...because it hasn't happened, because I haven't seen her face or listened to her voice. Would she be speaking to me in the voice I know as my wife? Or would it be the cold imposter she has been portraying since she kicked me out of Texas?
Much as I want to be void of emotion, and much as I want to pretend like I could be strong enough to put my foot down and tell her to ******** someone else up...I'm just not that way. My heart is soft. It breaks easy and it bleeds easy. It sings out its siren call for the ones that got away. It's who I am.
Vulnerable, fragile...yet durable all at the same time. You can shatter me over and over, but I have an infinite bottle of glue to put the pieces back together. As long as you don't mind the scratches and the cracks when I return. You know?
Ugh...today just...hurts. I hurt. My heart hurts.
