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I haven't been sleeping...
It's a weird feeling. There's this anxiousness about going to bed, a fear I just can not explain. There has been a weight on my chest, a dark cloud looming over me. And truthfully, it has only been getting worse.
Trust me when I say...I want to reach out. I want to vent, I want to reach and have someone catch me as I fall. But how do you explain something when even you (yourself) don't know what's wrong? It's like something is bringing back bad memories...but they are unclear what they are sometimes. One moment I'm laughing, having fun, then the next something tells me I'm not good enough, I'm not talented or entertaining...it tells me I'm no longer fun...

It tells me I'm not special...I'm not charming...

I suddenly feel like I'm hollow, that I am a husk, that I don't belong...and that I shouldn't exist. Some nights, I know what is bothering me...I want to feel wanted and I want to feel like I have a purpose. Other times it's stuff in my personal life. But then other times...it's memories.
"Why did I ever try learning russian for a girl that replaced me in a week with someone online? Why did I ever think I could learn spanish? Why do I hold on to so much crap reminding me of my failures?? WHY IS MY HEART BREAKING EVERY SINGLE DAY?!?!?"

Why I do I want to scream and cry and break down when my face tells me I'm supposed to smile. How hollow are my jokes? My words? Am I faking it good enough? Am I passing at playing pretend??? God I hope so....

And then night comes...then sunrise...and I still cant sleep. And I want to cry. I'm scared of my dreams. I'm scared of what I have been seeing them. I'm scared of the eyes I have been looking into. And I feel like I am so alone in this world...

And I want to tell you...please....
Understand I trust you more than anyone else in this world...
But I dont know how to say it...and I dont want you to push me away...
And I dont want you to think less of me because I'm such a broken and pathetic mess.

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