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Well, what can I say that isn't obvious?
As those that read my journals would know...I am still in the process of divorce. My wife (stbx) served in the Army for 7 years, and she was medically discharged from service in 2019. Every Veteran's Day, we would talk about going out...maybe getting some of that free food or the majorly discounted stuff, just for a nice treat. But, we could never figure out where we wanted to go, we could never get up early enough, and the places we made it to were always too packed. So, Veteran's Day always ended up as a run to Mcdonalds or something similar so that we could sit at home and just go about our regular routine.

But this time...
This time instead of thanking her for her service with a morning kiss...I sent her an email. After she had blocked all other contact with me, I sent her an email just to say "thank you" and to tell her to believe in herself, and to remind her that myself and so many others are so proud of her and proud of her selfless service to our Country. It was short and sweet...I didn't mention our marriage, I didn't tell her I loved her, I didn't admit that I still miss her despise how badly she has screwed me over with this whole ordeal. I just thanked her and left it at that...because my silence on this day felt wrong. Damned if I do send her something and damned if I don't.

Today just brings up so many memories for me.
I remember the first time we had to spend a few months apart as a couple because she had switched duty stations. I remember the videos she would send me over facebook messenger, telling me: "I know it's tough. But you have to believe and you have to trust me. We can do this. I love you."
I remember the moment she deployed to Iraq...we weren't even married then and it was the longest 9 months of my life. She would call me only to have to end the call abruptly because the bomb sirens were going off and she had to go to a bunker. That whole time was so terrifying, and yet, she did so much that made me feel so proud of her. She got her promotion overseas...ranked up to Sgt. She had doubted herself so much and I kept telling her that she had this, that she was smarter and stronger than she would ever give herself credit for. We spoke nearly every day...and our love didn't falter. We had fights while she was deployed too...but that didn't break us. So I truly felt like nothing ever could.

After she got medically discharged...that's when things really changed. She felt worthless, useless, and broken. I spent days on end pep talking her, reminding her all she had accomplished and all she had achieved. I rooted her on to still move forward, to do better, be better, because she was more than just a pawn in the military...and her being discharged just meant she could build a bigger and better life than before, with all the freedoms she missed while being a soldier.

So it's rough...
It's rough not seeing her today. It's rough being left with the memories what used to be. It's rough to be back in my home state with medical bills I can no longer pay, with a future looming where I lose all my insurance, and where I can't even pay for my phone because I was left with nothing save a few boxes and a bunch of clothes that don't fit.

*sigh*

It's rough knowing I still love her and that she is always somewhere in my mind...
But as she is out drinking with her fellow vets tonight, I highly doubt I will be anywhere in hers. She probably wont even read that e-mail...probably for the best.