@TheWhirld, Quoted post at bottom for easier reading.
Yeah, this. This sounds extraordinarily familiar. There's a chance that I just flunked out of school because part of me isn't going to allow myself to be happy and wants me to flunk out so I'll kill myself. Except for some reason I'm planning on starting new somewhere else if I do. I think it's because that little subroutine stopped being as powerful because I noticed it.
I have bipolar as well, and I also have a lot of difficulty with therapists. I finally found one I really liked, and she actually helped me a lot (but she left early this semester because of personal problems). Keep trying. If it doesn't 'click' with someone, keep trying. Because you CAN fight it, because it is part of you, because it is only ONE part of you. You're so much more, and you don't need it. Recognizing it is the hardest part. "it's gotten very good at preventing people from affecting it." That's because you're the only one that can affect it. A therapist can guide you. But you have to, some part of you, has to want to face this and examine it so that you can get better. Transitioning won't fix things, because you'll still be you. If 'you' is a guy, then the good that will come from transitioning is that everybody will see that. But it sounds that the self-loathing parts hate something less (I hate using this term, but this is the closest I can come right now to what I'm thinking) superficial than just "I'm a guy but I've got girl bits and everyone keeps mis-gendering me". There's a small piece of my personality that I see as fundamentally, intrinsically me, a nucleus, and the rest is electrons, some of which are much, much more difficult to dispel than others (sorry, nerd alert). It sounds like this thing hates you, the big idea you, the 'you' that would remain no matter what. But it's not the intrinsic 'you', but if you don't deal with it, it'll probably still be hanging around post-transition. Though the argument could be made that it'll be easier to deal with post-transition, but I'm of the opinion I'd like to leave most of this garbage behind with my pre-transition self.
And the getting into shape is actually possibly on-topic. Part of the reason I realized that I really really need to transition is because for about a minute the idea of becoming anorexic so that my periods would stop and I'd look like a 10 year old boy appealed to me. Even a minute of thinking that was a good idea set off alarms in my mind. But I went vegetarian partly to lose weight so that I would look more masculine (and not look like Chaz Bono after I transition, but that's really a mean thing to say).
Not that this is the case in your situation, but there was a long while I identified as genderqueer, and later as butch, just to avoid admitting that I'm really a guy. I know Dan identifies funny-ish, but I'm not sure how exactly he does.
Sorry for the wall of text and possibly rambling, btw.
TheWhirld
we've been trying. It seems like it's been hard to find a counselor I can get along with nearby that's in our insurance, let alone a gender therapist specifically. The closest thing was the last therapist I had; she's dealt with trans stuff before, apparently. 'Cept we never talked about it, that wasn't what I went there for; it never came up, and I just don't do well with therapy for my depression/anxiety/bipolar/whatever the hell is wrong with me. Therapy has only succeeded in making me want to kill things; more often than not, myself. I refused to go to my last session with her because it seemed really counterproductive, and I was kicked out totally; no more appointments until I'm willing to work with her.
'cept part of me absolutely hates myself and everything that I am and WANTS me to be miserable, and that bit is going to undermine any attempt I make at getting better. and I can't fight it, because it's me. it's part of me. I don't like it, but it's how I feel somewhere, and I can't fix it. it's gotten very good at preventing people from affecting it. I dunno. Maybe if I turn myself into something I'd rather be, I'll feel better about myself and I'll be able to move on? only everything I want is so impossible to have. I'm not going to be a famous actor/ress, musician or author. Definitely not any time soon, any way. same with getting into shape; at this point, I'm seriously considering talking to my doctor about asthma again, I can't go up a flight of stairs without losing my breath so I can't really do any cardio. The whole gender thing is, ridiculously, the only thing that seems at all in my reach right now, relatively. [wow, none of this is on topic really. I'm gonna shut up before I get myself worked into a state again. and I don't want to be spamming or anything.]
I really really want to be a dude, but psychologically I don't identify as male OR female, and biologically, I'm a chick. wahoo. I don't understand it at all and it makes me want to bash my head into things.
okay, I'm actually gonna go now instead of saying I'm going to shut up and then writing even more so bye.