I get the pleasure of going through a lot of my old journals (online, written diaries, even dream journals and religious logs) for a personal project...and it has been an experience. Some of it challenging...but mostly there's the feeling of wanting to go back and try and help my younger self when I am not overcome with the extreme feeling of wanting to strangle her or slap her in the face.
Some of the journals were written in anger. It's no surprise that when I lose something, I get defensive. In these cases I had lost my best friend and someone I cared deeply for...and I lashed out. I became cocky to the point of laughing at this other person, throwing out words like: "pathetic" and such and acting like I was unaffected by such a loss. And yet here are the pages littered with nightmares of loss, abandonment, longing even...my miserable self could hide behind a face in writing, but I can't hide from anything that happens in my dreams.
Even then I tried...tried to justify things, even going so far as trying to justify my abusive relationship with my ex. Saying that before my ex I had used the word "love" loosely and that I hadnt known real love...
That's false. It's a lie. I read it and cringe because I know it's a lie. There is no "epiphany" going on...that was not a moment of enlightenment. It was a moment where I was trying to pull the wool over my own eyes. And what happened next? Another nightmare...more longing...more wondering what could have been, more feelings of being abandoned.
Why did it take me so long to learn???
But I guess the saving grace in this project is seeing how I evolved and seeing that life got better. I met Sage and my views, my feelings, everything shifted. I started to see the light again. So it's not like I can say it's all bad. Just different...just a moment (years worth) where I had to fight to think freely again and to be true to myself again.
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From Dusk 'till Dawn
Only a fool of the night would let himself fall to the hands of darkness so easily.
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