Today I did something I hadn't done in so long.. I laid out in my front yard and just slept out on the grass for only a bit.. I was waiting I think... for those voices I was so used to hearing break my serene silence of peace, but they didn't come.. And then I thought.. about my Birthday..
That day again.. the day that feels worse than Christmas at work... Worse than heart break just before Valentines......And what is it, 19 already? ... Wow... just.. wow... It.. makes me feel so...so.. So young.. and yet.. old.. I feel like.. I've lived for too long sometimes.. I look back at the years up to today and in all honesty.. I would NEVER have thought everything would have turned out like this.
I'd already fallen in love and had my heart broken just as fast, a really.. REALLY big shocker actually lol. The friends I could've sworn would still be here celebrating with me today are gone, and new friends that I'd never imagine on meeting have come into my life bringing weird joys and pains alike, worse.. the friends I do still have or have now.. and just people in general that I have known all my life or just met are changing, and dying left and right in more ways than one... I haven't seen my kids (students) in forever, I haven't trained in forever either... I have a deep feeling my instructor is.. disappointed in me.. which.. just makes me feel like I'm constantly dying and I can't do s**t about it each and every time, like reaching out for air.... My family is...well.. not family anymore.. Holidays have died to just gatherings of people with obligations to the ones that stare down the road of the deceased... That poisoned word... 'Love' Is like.. trying to find a diamond in a desert in my house...
The feeling about it all.. just... It's like.. staring at a candle flickering away, fighting out as much as it can.. until the wick runs out...And it won't have anything left to do but.. turn to smoke...
I remember.. before my 16th b-day, I'd spend them all with my family and closest friends. I'd be smiling big, I'd be on the top of the world... Content.. Completely content... but now? .. I really do hate this day.. I despise it in so many ways.. I look around me and all there is, is bad memories.. broken promises.. envied wishes... just.. Depressing s**t.
Is there a such thing as way too much experience? At this point I'd think so.. Since then.. s**t's just been tumbling down a steep mountain.. And all I can do is comfort the people around me in hopes some how I'd also be comforted in the process... But what can I do now? ... How do you reach out a hand to people you can't reach but mean just as much to you as the ones you can....And let them know there's still someone who remembers how it used to be.. That there's still someone who still remembers the innocent days... There's still someone who can give second chances, who still lived by the same damn codes of friendship she's always believed in..
How do you bring back the old days.... where things still had meaning.. and I could smile to myself carelessly just because I could...... I feel so old now... So tired... Sometimes when I close my eyes.. I just.... .. I wish I heard those voices... one more time... I wish I could bring back that feeling...
-sighs- Come Monday.. It'll just be another year struck on to my score board of life I suppose.. I won't let it get me down for forever I know that much... But Monday.. I'm jus' sayin' .. it ain't gonna be a happy day... Celebrations really are over rated anyways......
~MaiSake
.... Damn.. I need get back to my teaching...
Just realized.. the worst part of all this? .. The only thing I can turn to for all this... is my journal.. lol...yeah.. not so funny I guess...but eh... oh well..
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MaiSake's Journal
Hmm...i guess this journal would be ...welll like any other one...updates of my life...and...err...stuff...to tell you the truth i'm not good at keeping these types of things up to date but i guess i could try! ^_^
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Milk dances for: Deadpool ... And agrees.
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