You know what I ******** love? Video games. One of my few addictions. One of the few things I can get carried away in with little consequence at all. It's ridiculous how helpful a simple Halo fight can be. Or how an angry MW2 failure can entice me to delve deeper into the game. How a simple task can lead me to doing 8 others before I feel almost satisfied. How a story and pull me through it's twists and turns further out of my world, out of reality...
But what happens when I've done too much and have to stop? When reality sinks back in? When I can't go and teach, or spar, or rp, or make another ******** entry... I feel sick. Horrid. Helpless. I could feel me just getting cold on the world and the people I love, but my conscience rebels and only makes me feel worse. Am I no better than a drug addict, or an alcoholic? I'm just another addict that cries and hates and dies a little bit more inside if I don't get another fix? I'm contemplating whether or not it's smart to renew my Gold account once it's up. Things just keep getting worse and it's literally out my hands. I look outside my window and remember my house in Kansas, the first time I saw a rose. I remember how simple it was as a child. How peaceful it all seemed, how horrible things are now.
It makes me wonder... Could I have stopped this all from happening if I tried harder or caught things earlier? Maybe, but it doesn't change anything. It's all done. Now there's just the wreckage to deal with, and lesson of the year is that once things are said and done... there's no going back. So when all these things build up, when it all finaly comes down to facing the s**t storm we've caused... we realize it:
This world is broken, we broke it... And I don't have enough super glue to fix it.
******** it... Ja. </[Despair]/3
... I'm gonna go play more Halo or something...
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Hmm...i guess this journal would be ...welll like any other one...updates of my life...and...err...stuff...to tell you the truth i'm not good at keeping these types of things up to date but i guess i could try! ^_^