• I ignore the question as I slam the door shut and lock it.
    “Leave me alone! I need to think,” I yell.
    I’m in a bit of a predicament.
    I don’t know a way of coping.
    I need to spend some time.
    I need to figure this thing out.

    With a sigh and the roll of my eyes,
    I plop myself onto the queen-sized bed,
    Hoping with everything I’ve got that I would just cease to exist.
    In any world or on any timeline.
    It doesn’t matter one bit when it comes to me.
    I just don’t want to exist.
    Period.
    Bottom line.
    It’s a pain just to exist.
    You have to think about things you don’t want to.
    You have to deal with emotions you don’t want to.

    I close my eyes.
    I breathe slowly and deeply,
    Trying to clear my mind.
    For a moment, it’s dead quiet.
    Then I suddenly stand up.
    I angrily rip my light blue, floral printed nightgown off of my body.
    So many emotions ripple through me at this point.
    I feel like I’m going to explode.
    No. Not now. I have to get ready for work.
    I struggle to shove the horrid, sickly feeling way down south.
    Deep into the depths of my soul.
    I search for a pair of scrubs in the dresser drawers and closet.

    I suddenly stand in the middle of the room stark naked,
    Trying to slow my racing breaths.
    My vision blurs with tears.
    I see a bright red boxcutter near the edge of the desk.
    I approach, knowing full well what I’m about to do and not caring.
    I swipe the sharp object from the desk.
    I clench it tightly in my right hand.
    “I want this to go away,” I whisper.
    Tears roll along my cheeks and drip from my chin.

    I make the first cut,
    Pressing hard up against my skin,
    Allowing the blood to be brought to the surface.
    I then make a few more cuts in a more rapid succession.
    It feels good.
    It feels really good!
    I like seeing my blood race along my arm.
    I have the urge to lick it, but I don’t.
    Do I have mental problems?
    Yes, I know I do.
    I’m not afraid of them.
    In fact, I embrace them.
    I give them all the love that they could ever want.

    I watch as my ...
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