Long Distance Relationsips (LDR) Support Thread

[Darth Kosher]

I've met this AMAZING man. As of recent, we've dabbled with the idea of marriage.

Why are we still dabbling?

We don't know where to move. I have a stable career here, which is making me decent money to support myself. He lives in another city (about two hours away) where he supports himself. He has a house, I have an apartment. My suggestion was to get our own place - he c ould rent out his house, and I could move out at the end of my lease of my apartment.


However -- the difficult "argument' is where we're going to stay? We both don't want to give up our careers, and we both don't want to commute an hour away from work (if we were to meet in the middle).

I don't really know how to work around this argument. Any kind of suggestions or personal stories would be great. We're both very traditional and with those traditional values "the girl moves where-ever the guy has work", but in the same breath, I don't want to be that girl that makes himi do all of the work while I establish myself. I don't enjoy that idea.

I just don't know what to do or how people can even do this. To convince to leave our families...

His next option, which he has an AMAZING job offer, in Georgia... he'd be willing to work and easily could support EVERYTHING. I wouldn't allow that, and it'd be a dramatic change, but it'd be a nice, clean start for both of us. I just don't know.

[0__o]

Wee Little

Perhaps you guys can help me out with this... I need advice on how to convey my thoughts into words. I don't want to come off wrong.

So according to my boyfriend, Skype is not working on his computer anymore no matter what he does - it makes applications crash. I've searched the Skype forums and googled possible fixes and according to him none of them have worked. So I found an older version of Skype that seems to work for people and he claims it doesn't work either. So I asked if he'd run the diagnostics tool on his computer on his computer and post the log to the Skype forum. There's usually someone who can read it and tell you what the problem is. But he doesn't seem very receptive to that. I asked what he proposes we do if he can't fix it, we should find an alternative and he just says he doesn't know if there are any alternatives.

I'm beginning to take it personally because it's our primary form of communication. We IM there, text through it, and do calls through it and for the past 3 days it's just been small chat on Facebook. We've never gone a day without talking on Skype even a little, even before we started dating we spoke on Skype every day for a month.

I wish he were more pro-active. Being on Facebook is weird to me. It's a website, not an program or application. He doesn't like to be on the messenger so he keeps it off so I never really know when he's actually there or not. And he never tells me when he's leaving or walking away so I can be talking to him and he just stops responding. I feel isolated in a way, shut out, like our means of contact could be completely on his terms if he wanted. I don't really dig the whole "You'll hear from me when you hear from me," feel.

And not to sound picky or selfish, but I really do not want to go without voice chats. He's not the best conversationalist via text and IM and that's why our relationship blossomed only after starting voice chats...

I don't think you'll sound too picky/selfish if you just tell him that you feel more comfortable talking over Skype. I'm not sure what the issue with Skype is, and I'm not sure what lengths he's gone to try to fix it, but if he hasn't tried reinstalling, he should.
I'd be a bit irked if my bf did that, and I really don't think it's too much to ask that he work a bit harder at finding out how to fix it, or at least finding some way of communicating that's a bit more accessible/friendly for both of you.

[0__o]

Do you guys have any, like..crazy jealousy issues in your relationship?

I mean, mostly I'm the one getting jealous. I'm jealous that I can't go places with him, I'm jealous that his friends get to hang out with him and I don't. I'm even jealous when he briefly talks about exes. I don't want to bring it up most of the time because I don't want him to feel bad. I realize that my jealousy is usually unwarranted, but that makes me feel worse because I know I shouldn't feel that way. So then I either bottle it up or I just come out and tell him that I'm feeling jealous. If I bottle it up, I basically become a hermit for a little while and I don't talk as much. If I tell him about it, he ends up feeling badly and that isn't my intention.

Do you have any tricks/tips when it comes to dealing with jealousy?

[Wee Little]

0__o

Wee Little

Perhaps you guys can help me out with this... I need advice on how to convey my thoughts into words. I don't want to come off wrong.

So according to my boyfriend, Skype is not working on his computer anymore no matter what he does - it makes applications crash. I've searched the Skype forums and googled possible fixes and according to him none of them have worked. So I found an older version of Skype that seems to work for people and he claims it doesn't work either. So I asked if he'd run the diagnostics tool on his computer on his computer and post the log to the Skype forum. There's usually someone who can read it and tell you what the problem is. But he doesn't seem very receptive to that. I asked what he proposes we do if he can't fix it, we should find an alternative and he just says he doesn't know if there are any alternatives.

I'm beginning to take it personally because it's our primary form of communication. We IM there, text through it, and do calls through it and for the past 3 days it's just been small chat on Facebook. We've never gone a day without talking on Skype even a little, even before we started dating we spoke on Skype every day for a month.

I wish he were more pro-active. Being on Facebook is weird to me. It's a website, not an program or application. He doesn't like to be on the messenger so he keeps it off so I never really know when he's actually there or not. And he never tells me when he's leaving or walking away so I can be talking to him and he just stops responding. I feel isolated in a way, shut out, like our means of contact could be completely on his terms if he wanted. I don't really dig the whole "You'll hear from me when you hear from me," feel.

And not to sound picky or selfish, but I really do not want to go without voice chats. He's not the best conversationalist via text and IM and that's why our relationship blossomed only after starting voice chats...

I don't think you'll sound too picky/selfish if you just tell him that you feel more comfortable talking over Skype. I'm not sure what the issue with Skype is, and I'm not sure what lengths he's gone to try to fix it, but if he hasn't tried reinstalling, he should.
I'd be a bit irked if my bf did that, and I really don't think it's too much to ask that he work a bit harder at finding out how to fix it, or at least finding some way of communicating that's a bit more accessible/friendly for both of you.

Yeah I brought it up, I guess I got a little too emotional and made it come off wrong, and he took it as me accusing him of avoiding me. It turned into a huge fight and right now our relationship is in a sort of 'limbo' as he put it. I'm trying to give him some space, but I'm beginning to worry he's pretty much done with me.

[Wee Little]

0__o

Do you guys have any, like..crazy jealousy issues in your relationship?

I mean, mostly I'm the one getting jealous. I'm jealous that I can't go places with him, I'm jealous that his friends get to hang out with him and I don't. I'm even jealous when he briefly talks about exes. I don't want to bring it up most of the time because I don't want him to feel bad. I realize that my jealousy is usually unwarranted, but that makes me feel worse because I know I shouldn't feel that way. So then I either bottle it up or I just come out and tell him that I'm feeling jealous. If I bottle it up, I basically become a hermit for a little while and I don't talk as much. If I tell him about it, he ends up feeling badly and that isn't my intention.

Do you have any tricks/tips when it comes to dealing with jealousy?

Jealousy is common in LDRs. A small amount of jealousy is fine, but it's when it affects the way you treat your significant other is when it becomes an issue.

[Kliapatra]

Darth Kosher

I've met this AMAZING man. As of recent, we've dabbled with the idea of marriage.

Why are we still dabbling?

We don't know where to move. I have a stable career here, which is making me decent money to support myself. He lives in another city (about two hours away) where he supports himself. He has a house, I have an apartment. My suggestion was to get our own place - he c ould rent out his house, and I could move out at the end of my lease of my apartment.


However -- the difficult "argument' is where we're going to stay? We both don't want to give up our careers, and we both don't want to commute an hour away from work (if we were to meet in the middle).

I don't really know how to work around this argument. Any kind of suggestions or personal stories would be great. We're both very traditional and with those traditional values "the girl moves where-ever the guy has work", but in the same breath, I don't want to be that girl that makes himi do all of the work while I establish myself. I don't enjoy that idea.

I just don't know what to do or how people can even do this. To convince to leave our families...

His next option, which he has an AMAZING job offer, in Georgia... he'd be willing to work and easily could support EVERYTHING. I wouldn't allow that, and it'd be a dramatic change, but it'd be a nice, clean start for both of us. I just don't know.

To me, it sounds like a move to Georgia would be the best option for both of you. You can save up as much money as possible from your current job for your personal savings before you go. You would also have the opportunity to apply to jobs near where he works so that you could both live in the same place. In the meantime, he would be advancing his career and be able to support both of you until you're able to contribute (more) to the household. Remember that you guys are a team. Sometimes one of you will have better options than the other, but because you're a team, you can both benefit.

I guess I'm not as attached to my family as you are-- I don't find the idea of leaving my family in another state/country that bad, because I know that I can always go back and visit for the holidays. My SO feels mostly the same. That's what a lot of couples do when they get married, regardless of how close they live to their respective families.

[Blackrose_Knight]

0__o

Do you guys have any, like..crazy jealousy issues in your relationship?

I mean, mostly I'm the one getting jealous. I'm jealous that I can't go places with him, I'm jealous that his friends get to hang out with him and I don't. I'm even jealous when he briefly talks about exes. I don't want to bring it up most of the time because I don't want him to feel bad. I realize that my jealousy is usually unwarranted, but that makes me feel worse because I know I shouldn't feel that way. So then I either bottle it up or I just come out and tell him that I'm feeling jealous. If I bottle it up, I basically become a hermit for a little while and I don't talk as much. If I tell him about it, he ends up feeling badly and that isn't my intention.

Do you have any tricks/tips when it comes to dealing with jealousy?

Yes, and no. I think you are conflating envy, with jealousy.

Jealousy is the fear of losing a love object. Envy, is seeing someone in your same circumstance, have what you want/cannot have.

The way to dismantle jealousy, and envy really, is to throw facts at it until it dies. Seriously. Fear feeds on unknowns. Throw facts at it. Get specifics. Ask yourself "Am I being rational? Does this emotion fit the actual situation?"

I get envious of my boyfriend's fiancee. She has more time with him - mainly because she lives with him. I get a little grumpy about that, but then I realize, "I couldn't live with M. the fact is we do good as once a week lovers and when he gets back that is just what we will do." I throw a fact at my grumpy and it dissipates.

Hope that helps.

[Wee Little]

Darth Kosher

I've met this AMAZING man. As of recent, we've dabbled with the idea of marriage.

Why are we still dabbling?

We don't know where to move. I have a stable career here, which is making me decent money to support myself. He lives in another city (about two hours away) where he supports himself. He has a house, I have an apartment. My suggestion was to get our own place - he c ould rent out his house, and I could move out at the end of my lease of my apartment.


However -- the difficult "argument' is where we're going to stay? We both don't want to give up our careers, and we both don't want to commute an hour away from work (if we were to meet in the middle).

I don't really know how to work around this argument. Any kind of suggestions or personal stories would be great. We're both very traditional and with those traditional values "the girl moves where-ever the guy has work", but in the same breath, I don't want to be that girl that makes himi do all of the work while I establish myself. I don't enjoy that idea.

I just don't know what to do or how people can even do this. To convince to leave our families...

His next option, which he has an AMAZING job offer, in Georgia... he'd be willing to work and easily could support EVERYTHING. I wouldn't allow that, and it'd be a dramatic change, but it'd be a nice, clean start for both of us. I just don't know.

Georgia could be a good option. It's a change, a new adventure, and if he is able to support the both of you it gives you the time and ability to find a job in your field if you so wish. Just remember to always enjoy the different aspects of life. Don't develop the workaholic mentality. It sucks the joy out of our lives.

[Blackrose_Knight]

Darth Kosher

I've met this AMAZING man. As of recent, we've dabbled with the idea of marriage.

Why are we still dabbling?

We don't know where to move. I have a stable career here, which is making me decent money to support myself. He lives in another city (about two hours away) where he supports himself. He has a house, I have an apartment. My suggestion was to get our own place - he c ould rent out his house, and I could move out at the end of my lease of my apartment.


However -- the difficult "argument' is where we're going to stay? We both don't want to give up our careers, and we both don't want to commute an hour away from work (if we were to meet in the middle).

I don't really know how to work around this argument. Any kind of suggestions or personal stories would be great. We're both very traditional and with those traditional values "the girl moves where-ever the guy has work", but in the same breath, I don't want to be that girl that makes himi do all of the work while I establish myself. I don't enjoy that idea.

I just don't know what to do or how people can even do this. To convince to leave our families...

His next option, which he has an AMAZING job offer, in Georgia... he'd be willing to work and easily could support EVERYTHING. I wouldn't allow that, and it'd be a dramatic change, but it'd be a nice, clean start for both of us. I just don't know.

Is your career moveable? Him getting that bump in pay is nice, also depending where in Georgia (I am guessing Atlanta metro area but that is only a guess) property value isn't terrible.

Also, if he has friends in the area he can still rent out his current house. That is what my grandpa does, he is owner but has our cousin who lives in the state as acting manager.

I would go for the job in Georgia, and work it out from there but that is me.

[Wee Little]

Well I think it's safe to assume that my guy and I are over sad had a bit of a conflict last weekend and he declared us in this state of limbo. I gave him his space for a week, but he still feels this way. I felt like things were going well, we were talking more but then he casually mentioned how we're in a state of limbo still. I asked him what this meant to him because that could be interpreted in different ways regarding relationships. He said a void, a state of uncertainty. Having a hunch he was wanting to break up but was afraid to say it I asked him to just be honest and let me know right then if he had made up his mind about me and has no intention of rekindling what we had. He said no, he just wanted to wait and see if things would change or improve and if not just move on and carry on as friends.

I'm still not convinced and I think this is unfair for me, so I'm not going to hold my breath for him.

[Yatsuatari]

It's been a while since I last posted in the thread.. and I believe last time was under my old username, too.

Hi again, everybody. <3 I'm Panda, an agender lolita.
After my ex-boyfriend and I broke up last September, I just decided to wait and spend some time by myself.. and finally in June, I caved and entered another LDR with a girl I know through Gaia. We've spoken on and off for quite some time, but started talking more this past spring.. and we have several friends in common. She's a fair bit younger than me (5 years, she's 19 while I'm 24) but she's pretty mature, and much taller than me, haha.
She expressed interest in me pretty early on, and as we chatted more and grew closer we decided to give a relationship a shot ;u; <3
She's a wonderful girl and makes me feel so special and appreciated - even when we're busy she makes sure to send me at least a few messages every day, telling me how beautiful I am or how she misses me, and I do my best to reciprocate the notion. I'm just not very used to such abundant proclamations of affection.
We're taking things slow, and while I'm definitely attracted to her both physically and emotionally, it's very different from how I used to get butterflies and such something fierce with my ex.. regardless I can tell I'm definitely falling in love with this beautiful girl, and I want to be there for her whenever she needs me.
The distance between us is a bit bigger than my two previous LDRs, too, with a time difference of 8 hours. She lives in Michigan while I still dwell in Finland. She's studying to be a veterinarian, and I've been battling depression and anxiety for several years, with more therapy still ahead of me, but I hope to make it back into school in the next couple years. So all the more reason for us to take things slow, so she can finish her school and I can get my life back on the right track. However, I'm still planning on saving up for a trip to see her as soon as humanely possible - likely either late next year, or the one after that.

Sorry for the wall of text! I've got a decent amount of experience of long-term LDRs (2 and 3 years, respectively..) so I can try to offer insight, tips and whatnot to those who need it. <3

[Fearless Demon child]

Hello, I stumbled across this thread and i figured i would share my story with others, maybe someone will take something out of it. I'm Fear, and i am in my second LDR.

~~~~~~~~

My first LDR started when i was 13 years old. He was 15, and for now I will simply call him Bel. Bel and I met here on gaia in an RP thread and got to know each other better over the following few months. He was from Nevada while i live in California. It isnt too much of a distance, but in comparison to my best friends who were in relationships here in town, a 4 hour drive felt like it was so far away. We met for the first time when Bel's dad had some work to do in the area and a few weeks later we went on our first date. We dated for almost 3 and a half years, seeing each other every other weekend or so, more frequently once he was able to drive. Our relationship ended when he started partying more and more and cheated on me several times. I could no longer trust Bel and I no longer felt like the pain was worth it. I broke up with him in August of 2012.

While I was still with Bel, i started talking more to someone i met in another RP before I had even met my then boyfriend. I'll be calling him Radic for this. Radic and I became very god friends over a while. I'll admit I had a crush on him at the time, however I set it aside because i was in a committed relationship and i was happy at the time. So I set those feelings for Radic aside, we also had another friend who i knew liked him and she and I were good friends. Radic and I became good friends, almost like siblings. I could tell him everything and anything. He didn't mind listening to my problems, while Bel would dismiss them and was little help. Bel became jealous of the friendship I had with Radic and would make me feel horrible for having a male friend that i was close with. He would make me feel that his cheating was because i was a bad girlfriend, that if i wasn't close to Radic he wouldn't have cheated. It was around that time I broke up with Bel and, Radic and I met for the first time.

Radic is from Oregon and he took the train down to spend a weekend here in California with me. After one day of being awkward and nervous around each other we hit it off. The butterflies were gone and we acted as if we had been friends since childhood. I was 17 at the time and Radic was 23. When he had to leave i was crying. I didn't want him to go and he didn't want to leave either. While we were standing on the train platform just before he got on the train we hugged each other and said good bye and admitted our feelings for one another. I cried the whole way home that night.

After Radic got home we talked more about our feelings. We decided that we would try dating but in secret until I turned 18. We didn't know how my parents would react to me dating someone 6 years older than me. That October he came back for a visit and we had our first date, so we now celebrate our anniversary in October, despite the fact that we didn't openly tell people until February. After I graduated that year I took my first trip up to Oregon.

We've now been dating for nearly 2 years and we are quite happy still. We trust each other and even when we have our insecurities we manage to work through our issues. Both my parents and my sister love Radic and his family love me as well. We try to see each other every 3 or 4 months, as long as we can afford it, and we take turns traveling to and from.

~~~~~~~~

Well thats my story and I hope that someone can take something from it. I apologize for the wall of text but thank you if you read it all. I have wanted to share my story for a while but didn't know where to share it until now.

[Erihar_Dragonclaw]

Fearless Demon child

Hello, I stumbled across this thread and i figured i would share my story with others, maybe someone will take something out of it. I'm Fear, and i am in my second LDR.

~~~~~~~~

My first LDR started when i was 13 years old. He was 15, and for now I will simply call him Bel. Bel and I met here on gaia in an RP thread and got to know each other better over the following few months. He was from Nevada while i live in California. It isnt too much of a distance, but in comparison to my best friends who were in relationships here in town, a 4 hour drive felt like it was so far away. We met for the first time when Bel's dad had some work to do in the area and a few weeks later we went on our first date. We dated for almost 3 and a half years, seeing each other every other weekend or so, more frequently once he was able to drive. Our relationship ended when he started partying more and more and cheated on me several times. I could no longer trust Bel and I no longer felt like the pain was worth it. I broke up with him in August of 2012.

While I was still with Bel, i started talking more to someone i met in another RP before I had even met my then boyfriend. I'll be calling him Radic for this. Radic and I became very god friends over a while. I'll admit I had a crush on him at the time, however I set it aside because i was in a committed relationship and i was happy at the time. So I set those feelings for Radic aside, we also had another friend who i knew liked him and she and I were good friends. Radic and I became good friends, almost like siblings. I could tell him everything and anything. He didn't mind listening to my problems, while Bel would dismiss them and was little help. Bel became jealous of the friendship I had with Radic and would make me feel horrible for having a male friend that i was close with. He would make me feel that his cheating was because i was a bad girlfriend, that if i wasn't close to Radic he wouldn't have cheated. It was around that time I broke up with Bel and, Radic and I met for the first time.

Radic is from Oregon and he took the train down to spend a weekend here in California with me. After one day of being awkward and nervous around each other we hit it off. The butterflies were gone and we acted as if we had been friends since childhood. I was 17 at the time and Radic was 23. When he had to leave i was crying. I didn't want him to go and he didn't want to leave either. While we were standing on the train platform just before he got on the train we hugged each other and said good bye and admitted our feelings for one another. I cried the whole way home that night.

After Radic got home we talked more about our feelings. We decided that we would try dating but in secret until I turned 18. We didn't know how my parents would react to me dating someone 6 years older than me. That October he came back for a visit and we had our first date, so we now celebrate our anniversary in October, despite the fact that we didn't openly tell people until February. After I graduated that year I took my first trip up to Oregon.

We've now been dating for nearly 2 years and we are quite happy still. We trust each other and even when we have our insecurities we manage to work through our issues. Both my parents and my sister love Radic and his family love me as well. We try to see each other every 3 or 4 months, as long as we can afford it, and we take turns traveling to and from.

~~~~~~~~

Well thats my story and I hope that someone can take something from it. I apologize for the wall of text but thank you if you read it all. I have wanted to share my story for a while but didn't know where to share it until now.

that sounds a bit like my relationship with my now husband! I hope things continue to go great for you and Radic! And don't worry about the age difference, if things are working and continue to work, that age difference won't seem so much in a couple years. My husband and I are 7 years apart in age, I'm actually only 7 years older than his eldest daughter (she passed away a few years ago sadly before I got the chance to actually meet her, but she loved me and I loved her). Once it gets to be our age, the difference doesn't seem so much, my husband is 35 and I am 28, I was apprehensive about dating someone so much older than me as well, but it turns out it's not the big! Our interests are about the same, we remember a lot of the same things (it is fun making him feel old sometimes when he says something he remembers from his childhood and I tell him I was like 3 years old lol )

I'm so glad that your family likes him too! My family actually didn't like my husband until after we were married and they got a chance to get to know him (long distance was an extreme for us, he's from Denmark and I'm from the US, so my family didn't have much of a chance to get to know him before we got married)


Wishing the best for you and Radic! <3

[Wee Little]

Things might be picking up for my boyfriend and I. I was honestly almost certain we were pretty much over. He kept saying we were in limbo and he didn't know what the future held. I thought it was his gentle way of saying he didn't want to be with me anymore. I eventually straight up asked him. No limbo BS, we're either together but in a hard place, or broken up with the prospects of maybe getting back together. He said the former.

Things have been slowly getting better with each day. They aren't 100% but definitely better.

[PaperPerfection]

Hi im new to this thread, and new to a long distance relationship.
My boyfriend and I have been together for eight months and I now live an hour and a half away because of university.
ts only been a week, but for me its been hard because, i like to have a lot of physical affection, and obviously none of that is happening with him back home. Being surrounded by new people, including attractive boys is also a bit of a struggle for me. I would never do anything with them for multiple reasons, but I still kind of want to and that makes me feel like s**t. I've told this to my bf of course, and he doesn't see the issue here, as he sees it as a natural function of being alive. I don't doubt his fidelity, or his love for me. But this circumstance is genuinely difficult.