• I feel like I’ve got nothing left. nothing more that needs to be said.
    nothing at all that I could see to make me smile again.
    the thunder of the rain on the roof above me, keeps my dreams chaotic.

    chaos, it’s my passion, my sanctuary, my entire ******** life.
    pain, it’s my best friend, and my worst enemy, yet I can’t walk past it.
    I wish I could say, it’ll be fine, okay, good.
    but it won’t, and I won’t.

    I won’t be okay,
    I won’t be fine.
    I won’t be good.

    I feel torn.
    I feel tragically alive, yet I’m withering.
    you probably can’t see the life slipping from my skin, my lips, my eyes.

    you couldn’t tell the difference between my smile and the curve of lips that are only tilted upwards in a sad grin of regret.
    you couldn’t tell the difference between the tears in my eyes on valentine’s day and the tears I’ve cried for months.

    it feels like years.
    I sit with my back to the wall, face turned towards the window. eyes closed, ears alert.
    listening.
    just listening to the thump of the storm less then a foot away.
    yet this wall separates it from me.
    it’s so sad.
    less then a half a foot of wall can keep me from being drenched in some ethereal beings tears.

    rain, it’s glorious, it’s amazing, it’s empowering. I could scream all day if only it would rain too.

    I feel locked up, not within walls or behind doors. but inside myself.
    I haven’t got anyone there to drag me out from my thoughts.
    I yell, I scream, I get angry.
    but I want to cry.
    and I can’t!
    I can’t.
    I can’t cry..
    I don’t know if I ever honestly have cried.
    I’ve wept, sobbed, sniffled, but never cried.

    I’ve never had tears falling from my despaired eyes with no other expression upon my face. it’s always pain. my face is always wrapped in agony.
    why?
    why must it be so painful. this beating heart in my chest.
    each beat, each breathe, it’s a sharp sting to my body, though it might only be my mind supplying the pain. it feels real.

    it’s not just a double meaning for heart ache.
    I feel this pain. I know this pain.
    all too well, I know this pain.

    I wish for a melody to play in the background, I wish that someone would play me, and only me, a lullaby.
    one that I’d never awake from.
    I’d like you to play me an eternal lullaby.
    I’d like that I think, even more then listening to the thundering pitter-patter of the rain above me.
    even more then the burn of acidic bile left over in my throat, after I’ve forced it there.
    even more then the way you used to smile at me, with adoration and awe.
    even more then death.
    I’d be alive and you couldn’t hold yourself to your word, because I wouldn’t be dead, and I wouldn’t have tried to be dead.

    but I wouldn’t have to see you, or anyone.
    wouldn’t have to see the pain of everything.
    I wouldn’t have to hear you, or anyone.
    wouldn’t have to hear the words that will always make more cracks appear in a heart that you thought no more cracks could exist upon.
    I wouldn’t have to know you!
    wouldn’t have to remember..

    I’d dream, dream till my body grew old and gray.
    dream till I couldn’t live anymore, till my body shut down on it’s own.

    and you know what I’d dream of.
    not of flowers and beauty.
    not of candy and love.
    I’d dream of myself.. sitting upon a charred log before the ocean at sunset.
    the wind picking up ashes of the log and billowing around my body.
    I’d dream of you, walking upon this scene with utter surprise, shock, and regret.
    I’d dream of me, turning to you, and saying the one word I wished I could have said over a year ago, and meant it.
    “Goodbye”
    I’d say goodbye to you in my dream, and then, with the setting sun, I would sink. I would fall.
    and I’d be no more. I’d be a cold body, I’d be stiff and rigid, I’d be dead.

    and perhaps, even in my dream, you wouldn’t feel regret, as you haven’t in reality.
    but that’s ok.
    because at least I have said my parting words.
    and that’s all that was and that will ever be needed.
    but until I have my eternal lullaby.

    I’ll be lost.
    I’ll be numb, or wish I were.
    I’ll be locked away within my own mind, wishing feverishly that I had the key to open the door to reality.

    until then.
    I’m not okay.
    Hoping for Eternal Slumber,

    never truly yours♥

    (p.s. maybe you can love me from above the clouds and stars.)