• what am i supposed to do?
    i need to relieve the pressure building up inside me.
    the pressure i get when i have to yell at least a dozen times until somebody acknowledges my existence, but even then they stay preoccupied with what their doing.
    they never notice me anymore.
    nobody gives a crap about me anymore.
    i don't think anybody ever did.
    except..maybe one person.
    him.
    he loved me unconditionally, and loved every flaw i had. he didn't judge me for my past. he didn't want me to hurt, he wanted me to feel happy, to be happy.
    and i was for a while, i was happy with him.
    but then he left.
    i had nobody to confide in. nobody to cry with. i was like a little lost puppy, one that nobody wanted.
    and he said he'd never leave me.
    but where is he now?

    "Don't say that, you're beautiful."


    his memories burn my mind, he overwhelms me as always, and i can't push thoughts of him out.

    "I love brown eyes"


    his voice still echoes through my head, and i just want to claw my eyes--brown eyes--
    out.

    "Let's fly together."


    here i am, all alone now, with nowhere to go, not even the slightest clue of who i am. he was a part of me. the better part.

    "I wouldn't have said that if I knew you were only thirteen."


    here it comes. the memories, the ones i wish i didn't have to go through alone. they all feel so real. like it's only just happening now. and i hate myself for remembering. why can't i just forget?

    "You are my queen, and I am your knight."


    here we go again. i can feel it. my stomachs throbbing, begging me for relief. i can't stop his memories that keep flooding my mind. i need to relieve the stress, to numb the pain. to bleed it out.

    "Why do you do this to yourself-"


    i grab the blade i broke off of my razor that i used to shave with and touch it with my fingers. just knowing i could cut almost soothes me. i lift my shirt and press the metal against my skin, right above my belly button. i don't cut deep, but i make sure its long. my stomach, the least noticeable place, and i think the most painful. it stings at first, but it goes away quickly. my muscles relax some. i stop shaking, and i can breathe again.

    "I promise, I'm never going to leave you."


    the emptiness, and loneliness, and nothingness eats me alive again, i need to cut, just lay there and cut forever, until my stomach is in shreds and pieces are falling off and the skin is torn and disgusting and there's so much blood that it's even pooling around my feet and dripping off the blade.
    maybe then he'll come back.
    maybe then we can be the best friends we used to be.
    maybe then i won't be so alone.

    "Because, you know, we're better together."