- harris was walkign home from peter's office and he walked into his house and walked up the stairs to the third floor and went into his bedroom and sat on his bed looking at the wall there was a pretty wall paper with white birds but 2 were missing and harris saw one bird come off the wall and fly out the open window '' that is the third oen this week'' he said then he walked into his daughters bed room adn saw a still body laying there with a wide oped book beside it .then he walked down teh stairs .and he herd a scweky sound comeing from the baesment he went down ther was a tiny door at the bottem of the stairs ... to be continued i will show u the rest later so part 1 is over part 2 comeing soon
- by i have downs |
- Fiction
- | Submitted on 05/26/2010 |
- Skip
- Title: harris burdick
- Artist: i have downs
- Description: so here is my story and if u don't get it go to harris budick and then harrisbudic and his drawigns ok ok so her is part 1
- Date: 05/26/2010
- Tags: hariss burdick
- Report Post
Comments (5 Comments)
- Ealdwic - 07/07/2010
- (part 3) Try as well to avoid run-on sentences, otherwise they can confuse a reader. Lastly, same thing with the word "said". You could use "mumbled", "grumbled", "spoke", etc. instead of said. Lastly, some more detail would reeally spice it all up! You're doing fairly good, and I think it could really be interesting if you just slow down the story a bit and explain the character's reactions, thoughts and even what he looks like. smile Nothing some practice won't do! Keep it up. 3/5
- Report As Spam
- Ealdwic - 07/07/2010
- (part 2) Also, to show that you have changed topics in a piece of writing, try to use paragraphs where needed. Punctuation such as capitals, proper grammar spelling and periods or other things like !, ?, ... should be used to end a sentence! (> wink
- Report As Spam
- Ealdwic - 07/07/2010
- (part 1) Now for an actual comment that helps you. It's... very rough. Very very. Not bad! But rough. Did you just begin writing? It's okay if so. smile Let me point out that using an adjective like "walking" more than once in a sentence isn't very smart, since it takes away from details that you want people to know. You could try "stomping", "meandering", "jogging", "drifting"... there's many different ones for walking. ^ ^ (> wink
- Report As Spam
- i have downs - 05/31/2010
- ok janai09 this is wat i think ok wat i think so i don't know if it is really ok so ya
- Report As Spam
- cutiety9 - 05/30/2010
- no good story lieing
- Report As Spam
- |
- |
-
Submit
