• 15 years. 15 years in hell. Each one seemed longer than the last. I never thought I’d be heading to the outside again. Figured I didn’t deserve to after what I did…after everything I did. Some of the guys have been telling me that the real hell isn’t being in prison but trying to live a normal life after serving hard time. They’d tell me that the people I knew are gone. Some dead, some move, and they say some just forget who you are…or try their damnedest to. Guess I’ll find out tomorrow.

    I laid awake for about an hour after lights out. I heard some rustling around in the cell next to me. I leaned next to the small crack in the wall, “Carter?” A voice came from the next cell, “Yeah its me Raine. Can’t sleep. So I hear you’re going to be a free man tomorrow.” I muttered back, “Yeah. Guess I am.” “Can I give you one last piece of advice Carter?” I obliged. “When I got out and got back in public I would start to look at everyone I met as a possible job….ya know, to get me back in. You gotta resist that old urge. I didn’t and that’s why I’m in here for a few more years. I hear that if you can make it a year on the outside you have a chance.” A voice beckoned from down the hall, “QUIET! GO TO SLEEP!” I whispered back, “Why a year?” Carter chuckled, “Hell if I know I never made it that long.”

    I barely slept any the rest of the night. The little sleep I did get I dreamt of all the people who I did in that never got their justice. All the people I looked at as nothing more than another job. I see the snitches, and the mother who witnessed an arms deal, a man who called 911 when he shouldn’t have, all the cops who turned down money to keep their mouths shut. The worst faces are the kids, tears flowing down their little faces, who stare at me, moments after watching me put down their parents, wondering if they were next. None of them deserved to die. Guess I’ll have this to look forward to every night for my remaining years.

    I look at my little 2 foot by 2 foot window and see the sun rising…warden’s coming, “RISE AND SHINE LADIES…ITS MOVING TIME.”…same words I’ve woken up to for the last decade. I get to my feet and wait by my cell door. I see his smug face staring at me, “Looks like the sun is finally shining for you Raine.” I nodded, “Yes sir, I suppose it is.” He chuckles, “Well don’t get too excited…your a** is still mine for the next three hours.” My cell door opens and I step out.

    Headcount. Breakfast. Second headcount. Shower. Final Headcount. The routine I’ve lived by for 15 years. At breakfast, some of the guys told me that this routine would be the first thing I missed. They said when I got out of bed I’d stand and wait to be counted, and I’d have to ask to take a piss before being able to do so. Carter said it best, “After living in this place a man forgets like what it’s like to be free.”

    For the next few hours I had to listen to the guys say “see ya soon”, “enjoy your time out, don’t rush back to see us”. Even found out there’s a bet going on how long I’ll be on the outside. Guess no one has faith in me. Can’t blame them either…I don‘t have too much faith in me either.

    An hour left. I’m sitting on the steps outdoors for one last time. Probably spent more time on these steps than I did anywhere else in this place, usually with a good book. I’m looking out at everyone I’m leaving behind…some of the guys have been here since I arrived, some a few years, some came in last week. A guard approaches me, young guy seems nervous. “R-Raine, warden said for you to go to you to go get your things together and wait in your cell for him.” I nodded and walked to my cell.

    As I walked past my cell a voice called out to me “Jack, yo Jack come ‘er.” I walked down the hallway and went into ole Rerun’s cell. Rerun was an old black guy, in his 70s. I never knew his real name. I just knew everyone called him Rerun because he was always coming back. He was one of the few good friends I made in here. “Sit with me for a moment. I hear you getting out today.” I sat in a chair they gave Rerun since he’s barely able to leave his cell anymore, “Yep…finally going back out. I’ll be back and we‘ll play a round of chess” Rerun chuckled, “everyone that thinks like that always ends up back here. You’re different Jack. Shouldn’t be thinking like that. Can I give ya a piece of advice?” I nodded, “When you get out you’re going to feel like you don’t fit in. That you’re not like the rest of the pack.” I muttered “I’ve never been part of the pack.” Rerun let out one of his loud laughs and said “That be true Jack! But son if you wanna stay out you have to find a way to fit in. Gotta find your place in the world. I never did that’s why I’m going to be here ‘til the day they carry me out in a bag.” I understood what he meant and I said “I’ll do my best.” He smiled and said “well better go get your things before the warden comes in, says your not listening and keeps you here for another decade.” I shook his hand and he said “I sho will miss having someone to play a good game of chess with though.” As I went to leave I asked if there was anything I could do for him on the outside, he sat for a moment then looked up and said “Could ya deliver a letter for me?” He handed it to me and I walked down to my cell to collect my things.

    I didn’t have much…wasn’t allowed to have much. Five cigarettes, a comb and a book. I gave up a smoking years ago, but kept these few as a reminder that I can change….or just in case I decide to start back. I pick my book up, “The Invisible Man” by H. G. Wells, a story of a man who was a victim of circumstance. I used to tell everyone that I was just like Griffin…wasn’t my fault for the things I did…it was just the hand I was dealt. I walk back down the hallway and hand the book to Rerun, “what’s this for?”, he asked. “To keep you busy ‘til I can get back and play a game of chess with you.” Rerun smiled and softly said “Thanks. But I can‘t just take this without giving you anything.” He opened a drawer and shuffled things around and pulled something out wrapped in a cloth. “Here take this, I ain’t got much use for it these days.” I took the cloth, “Thanks rerun.” he chuckled “john.” I grinned, “thanks john. Take care ole friend.” We shook hands once more. I walked down to my cell, changed clothes and waited.

    “Alright Raine on your feet.” I rose to the sight of the warden and three other guards with guns. The warden handed me a beat up cigar box, “put your belongings in that.” I picked the cigarettes, comb, letter and cloth and put it in the box. I stepped out of my cell one last time and the warden and guards led me down the hallway to the gate. All I could hear as I walked out were some of the guys yelling, “Free Man Walking!”. The warden handed me a ticket, “there will be a bus for you outside, you’ll take it to the depot and there will be a relative of yours there to take you from there.” I began to walk out, “Hey Raine”, he chuckles “see ya soon.”


    I step out the same gate I had stepped into 15 years ago. I take in my first breath as a free man, and begin to walk towards the bus stop. There are guards all around me. Guess they’re trying to make sure no one else is leaving with me. I walk along the dirt covered path until I get to a small bench. No bus yet. I take one last look back at the hell I’ve been trapped in since I was 26. Part of me is glad to be out but part of me feels I don’t deserve to be out. I look up and see guards with rifles watching me. I decide to take a seat on the bench and wait for the bus.

    About five minutes later I see the bus approaching. I finally board and give the driver my ticket. He’s a young guy, full of life. He looks at me and smiles, “Been waiting long?” I begin to find a seat, “Yeah…15 years.” The driver’s face goes blank, “oh…sorry.” I walk down the aisle, “Don’t be. I deserved every minute of it.” As I walk past the passengers they all stare at me. Some with disgust. Some fear. A few children stare at the raggedy man walking past them with curiosity.

    I sit in the very back on the bus. As the bus sped down the path towards the windy city I began to mull over ideas as to what relative could possibly be willing to help me out. Most of my family disowned by during the trial. No one visited me. I sent out letters at Christmas the first few years…never got anything back except once and that was a return to sender. Rerun used to tell me that family was always the first to kick you out of their lives.

    I look up and see a pair of curious brown eyes staring back at me. “Hi.”, the soft voice said, “Are you a bad person? Mommy said that place you were at is for bad people.” I replied, “Did your mom tell you not to talk to strangers as well?” The little girl, no older than eight, spouted back, “Yes but are you a bad stranger or a good stranger? And if you’re a good stranger why were you in the bad place?” I was almost laughing at her determination, “I did some bad things along time ago so I had to go there for a while.” She drew a confused look on here face. “Well mister, you look like a good person. What kind of bad things did you do?” I knew that was coming, but I had no idea how to tell a child that I killed people for money, “Things little girls don’t need to know about. “ She was getting frustrated, “Like what?” I was beginning to wonder if she would ever give up. “ Allie! Get over her this instant!”, the girl’s mother yelled as she grabbed her daughter’s arm, “I’ve told you about talking to strangers. Mister, I’m awfully sorry if she bothered you. I’m sure you know how kids are.” I lightly chuckled “Its fine. No need for apologies, kids will be kids.” She smiled, nervously, and took young Allie back to their seat. I could over hear the mother scolding the girl, “I told you not to talk to strangers!” The girl whimpered, “But mommy I just wanted to know if he was a bad man.” The mother sighed, “I told you everyone who goes to that place is bad didn’t I?” The girl nodded and the conversation ended. A bad man. If they knew what I’d done they wouldn’t call me a bad man, they’d call me a monster.

    I see the bus station approaching. I walk down to the bus station and take a seat. I began to look the room over for relatives. None. Allie was staring at me again. I smiled at her. She rose to her feet and began heading towards me. Her mother cut her off. I couldn’t make out anything the mother was saying but I could understand Alexis loud and clear, “I just wanted to say goodbye mommy.” The mom muttered some more, flashed me a fake smile and took Allie outside. Before they got in a taxi, Allie turned and waved.

    A new batch of people rushed into the station. I began to look at each one. Carter was right. Everyone of them I looked at as a potential crime. Not that I want to go back to prison, I just don’t feel I deserve to be out. I see a girl at the counter. She’s medium height, blonde, appears to be in her twenties and seems lost. Her purse is open. Perfect target for robbing. Grab and run. Simple. She begins to walk towards me, “Mr. Raine?” I go numb. I’ve never seen the girl before in my entire life and somehow she knows who I am. “Y-Yes…” She’s nervous, almost shaking, “I'm Carly, your daughter."


    Silence. That’s all I’ve heard since we came out of the bus station. I thought about breaking the silence but was at a total loss for words. Carly finally broke the silence, “Mr. Raine you’re going to be living with me for a while. I have a small apartment just outside of the city. Is that okay?” “Yes it sounds fine Carly. Are we going straight there now?” “Yeah, is there somewhere you needed to go?”, she replied. I paused and thought, “Yeah…the Wilson Holding and Storage. Know where that is?” She nodded, “just a block from City Hall?” I nodded and the silence commenced.

    I hadn’t seen Carly since she was a year old. I met her mom my junior year of high school. Her name was Renee. She was a grade under me. She was a cute quiet girl, somewhat on the shorter side, and always wore her long brown hair in pig tails. At the beginning of my senior year she told me she was pregnant. Nine months later Carly was born.

    “We’re here Mr. Raine”, Carly said interrupting my reminiscing, “Which storage unit is it?” “Oh none of them…just stop at the office.” She looked bewildered but did it anyway. I got out and walked inside. A boy was sitting behind the counter watching TV. I walked over to him and said, “Where is Mr. Wilson?” Without turning his attention, “You’re looking at him.” I sighed, “No, Carl Wilson.” “Oh…Gramps. He’s in his office.”, the young Wilson said without turning again.” I retorted, “Still the second door on the right?” He finally faced me, “Yes and if there’s nothing else stop bugging me old man.”

    I sighed and walked down the hallway. The door was partially opened but I knocked anyway. I heard an old deep voice reply back “Come on in.” I walked and saw an elderly man…in his eighties, “Hey Mr. Wilson its me. Jack.” He looked up and a look of shock came over his face. “Jack… Raine?”, I nodded, “JACK GOOD HEAVENS BOY I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN!”, He walked over, started to shake my hand but hugged me instead. He was beginning to tear up, “Here Jack sit, sit. We got catching up to do.” I sat.

    Carl Wilson. My first employer. I worked for him delivering fliers, making phone calls, checking locks and any other menial job he needed done. He was a strict, bully old man but probably cared more than his fellow man than anyone else I knew.

    “So Mr. Wilson, how‘s life been treating you?” He chuckled, “A grown man and you’re still calling me Mr. Wilson. Wish that boy out there had that kind of respect. Life’s been life. The business has had its ups and downs. My health isn‘t what it used to be but I‘m still kicking.” I chuckled, “What about Mrs. Rosa Wilson?” Carl‘s smile left his face, “My dear Rosa passed away a few years back.” I froze, “I’m sorry Mr. Wilson.” He sighed, “Its ok. Her health was really getting bad. Suffering more and more everyday. Then one morning I was bringing her breakfast up to her and she had passed in her sleep. Ya know she talked about you a lot Jackie. She wanted to come visit but doctors told her that it wasn’t in her best interest to go out side much less make the trip to the Big House.” I sighed, “Well at least she isn’t suffering anymore.” He smiled, “Ain’t that the truth.”

    He wiped his glasses with a handkerchief, “What about you Jackie? How‘s life?“ I chuckled, “Well Mr. Wilson I’m not too sure just happy to be free again I suppose.” He sighed and reclined back in his chair, “I never thought they should’ve put you away. You did this town a favor. Charlie was a monster.” I sighed, “Yeah, I know he was. But I was just as bad.” Carl slammed his fist down on his desk, “THAT’S A GODDAMN LIE AND YOU KNOW IT JACKIE!” I was nearly speechless. I had never seen Carl this mad before, “Carl, I did a lo-” He grumbled, “I know you did your fair share of sinning when you were a kid. There’s no denying that. But you never did anything as bad as Charlie, and I never wanna hear you say that again, got it?” I nodded. I wonder if the relatives of my victims felt this way about me.

    I got up, preparing to leave and remembered what I had came here for, “Oh, Mr. Wilson, do you still have my can I gave you before they locked me up?” The expression of anger left his face, “Of course Jackie. You know protecting people’s belongings is my life’s work.” He opened a drawer on his desk and pulled out a long tin can I thought I’d never see again. He handed it to me, “Thanks, Mr. Wilson. How much do I owe you?” He laughed, “Well I’ve been holding it for 15 years and two days. I charge $100 a month. But I’m giving you the “old friend” discount” I chuckled, “And how much does that take off?” “Just start calling me Carl and we’ll call it even.” I reached over and shook his hand, “You got a deal…Carl.”

    I walked out and saw the younger Wilson standing at Carly’s car window. “So you live around here?”, he spat out in what was supposed to be a charming voice. Carly retorted, “Umm…yeah.” He leaned in a little closer, “Well how about we go out for dinner sometime?” Carly saw me approaching the car, “I don’t know, you’ll have to ask my dad.” He turned and saw me standing behind him, “Uh…yeah…I’ll get back to you.” I laughed and got in the car with Carly.