So, I had a dream the other day. I was at this mall I created in my dreams, and some dreams take place there from time to time. In my dream, all my friends were there, but someone else too. It was my boyfriend. Just so you know, I don’t have a boyfriend, and there’s no one I’m interested in to have as a boyfriend. So, as far as I’m concerned, this was some stranger I’ve never seen in my life. Or maybe someone I saw on the street one day. Who knows? I don’t. It was a really nice dream, overall. It felt great. Really. And when I woke up, I wasn’t sad. I still felt great. But then I felt really shitty. Not because of the dream, but because I became jealous. Jealous of several of my friends, for several different reasons. Several weeks ago, I had a dream I was on a date, but it felt different from this one. So, there I am getting ready to see some of my friends. Only some of them... I’m in the shower, and I think to myself, jokingly, “I guess I can only have a boyfriend in my dreams.”, and I start to bawl my eyes out. It was ridiculous. Stupid. I know it’s my own fault I don’t have a boyfriend. And it’s my own fault I don’t try to like the people I meet. It’s also my own fault I don’t try to meet more people. It’s my own fault I’m too much of a nihilist. It’s my fault I want to fall in love even though I’m such a pessimist. I’m negative. I set the bars too high. I have high expectations for nothing. It’s stupid. I’m stupid. But enough about my beautiful depression of a dream, I have a hamster now, again...her name is Coffee. Maybe today’s just my day to be negative. I don’t have anywhere else to vent my feelings to. I have my friends, but maybe I just don’t want them to listen. I don’t want to be a bother. Or trouble anyone. And if I do tell them, I don’t want advice, or assurance. I don’t want to hear anything that sounds like they’re being helpful, or trying to be…I don’t want to hear anything. That’s probably why I prefer to do this. Silly……
I don’t want to be looked down on either. I’ve got a bit of a complex. That’s why I hate asking for help.
So silly…I know.
I know.
I wish I could sing right now, I feel like singing. I’m sick, though, I have a cough, and my throat hurts. It sucks. I have no excuse, however, for all the other times I want to sing. My timing just sucks.
Timing…my timing really has always sucked. Always has, and probably always will.
Damn…
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Where Is My Mind?
Yep. My Journal. On gaia. About my ways and such.- []-
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