Green Tea Chi
(?)Community Member
- Report Post
- Posted: Mon, 01 Oct 2007 23:23:10 +0000
enchantedsleeper
Haha! The third paragraph was really funny, and clever too. I'd never dare to say that to a teacher xD
You could reduce some of the repetition caused by her constant glances at the clock by shortening some of the sentences in which she does so, for example, "I looked over at the clock. It was five more minutes to lunch time." could be shortened to just "Five more minutes to lunch time." since it's obvious she would have looked at the clock in order to know that. I like her bitchy character, but I think that her disliking her own best friend overdoes it a bit; we've already absorbed a lot of bitchiness in this short amount of text, and that just seems to be too much. If you still want to keep it in I would suggest putting it in later; maybe have Emily chastise her about talking back to the teacher and have her wonder then why they're best friends?
Do you think you could possibly comment me back? :3 This is my story.
You could reduce some of the repetition caused by her constant glances at the clock by shortening some of the sentences in which she does so, for example, "I looked over at the clock. It was five more minutes to lunch time." could be shortened to just "Five more minutes to lunch time." since it's obvious she would have looked at the clock in order to know that. I like her bitchy character, but I think that her disliking her own best friend overdoes it a bit; we've already absorbed a lot of bitchiness in this short amount of text, and that just seems to be too much. If you still want to keep it in I would suggest putting it in later; maybe have Emily chastise her about talking back to the teacher and have her wonder then why they're best friends?
Do you think you could possibly comment me back? :3 This is my story.
Your right I should write more about Maria and Emily's relationship. Thanks.