(My Story.) Troubling Me. -Revived thread-

So what do you think?

Great	28.3%	[ 77 ]
Good	22.8%	[ 62 ]
Okay	18.4%	[ 50 ]
Needs work.	21.7%	[ 59 ]
Bad	8.8%	[ 24 ]
Total Votes:			[ 272 ]

[tamenak]

So far I really like this. Maria is a bit irritiating, though I still like her xD I don't have anything helpful to tell you right now, sorry. I'll be keeping an eye out for more.

[Green Tea Chi]

Thanks tamenak!

Lol, it's funny a lot of people are getting irritiated with Maria but somehow still like her. xd

[Orange Affair]

I think it's because she has such a hateful attitude, but one can't be sure of what causes it.

At least, it's that way with me for Maria. xD

[Green Tea Chi]

More of my story.
Chapter Two: My Pathetic Mom
All day long, people were talking all about what happened in the cafeteria. I had been punching and pushing some of the people who been talking s**t about me. Luckily, I didn’t get in a fight. When it was time to go home, I went on the bus and everybody was staring at me and covering their mouths. Like I didn’t see them talking about me. I sat at my normal seat and lifted my legs onto the seat in front of me. Today is getting pretty annoying. Two girls that were sitting across from me were talking about me. I think one of them is in my reading class. I could hear them say that I was a b***h and I have issues. Heh. Brave aren’t they.

I stood up and walked to them. They looked at me kind of scared. I grinned. “Talking s**t I see.” I took off my earrings and rings. “I guess I better teach you bitches a lesson.” I’m going to enjoy this. But then someone touched one of my shoulders. What? I smacked their hand off. I turned and looked at them. It was that guy again, the one from the lunch line. “Leave me the hell alone and didn’t I tell you not to touch me!” I pushed him and then faced the bitches. They went to the back of the bus. “Yeah, you’re lucky that someone stopped me or else I would’ve kick your a**!” I turned around and sat down. The guy that kept stopping sat down in front of me.

I kicked the seat and then looked out the window as the bus pulled out. He just sat there. I grinned and waited for my stop to come. When my stop did come I quickly went off and walked to my house. The best part about that is that I’m the only one that comes off the bus on this spot. When I arrived home, the first thing I did was look at the messages on the answering machine. There was a message from Mrs. Baker, I deleted it and went to the kitchen. I took off my shoes and then got an apple from the kitchen.

I went to my room and laid down on my bed and started to eat my apple. When I was done with the apple, I threw it in a trash can I had next to my bed. I put on some Germ X and then put my blanket over me and laid down for a bit. I wonder what Mrs. Baker and Emily will do tomorrow. Emily would probably move somewhere else and Mrs. Baker would probably talk to me before class. I looked up at my ceiling and then turned to look at the wall. I closed my eyes and surprising fell asleep.

“Maria, honey. Please wake up.” I felt someone push me over and over. Who the ******** is pushing me? I slapped their hand away. “Maria, please don’t hit your mother.” I opened my eyes and looked at my pathetic mom. She was rubbing the hand that I slapped. My mother was always weak. I’m surprised she didn’t die giving birth to me.

“Mom, what the hell are you doing in my room? And why are you here, aren’t you suppose to be at work?” I said as I rubbed my eyes. I combed my hair with my fingers and then got out of bed. My mom just sat on my bed. She was looking down. I don’t think her depression pills were working. Heh. I walked out of my room and turned back around. “Mom, get the hell out of my room!” My mom got up quickly and went out of my room. She closed the door behind her. “If you want to talk to me then let’s talk in the living room.” I said as I walked to it.

So how is it? I'll post more of chapter two later.

Oh and all thanks go to +Anime Crusades+ for proof reading it for me!

[cherry144]

It's interesting. I don't think that Maria's mother should be so weak, though. I still can't stand her, though. She just gets on my nerves. I'm sorry, but it's true. Some gramatical errors, but not as many as in your first chapter. Keep up the good work!

[Green Tea Chi]

cherry144

It's interesting. I don't think that Maria's mother should be so weak, though. I still can't stand her, though. She just gets on my nerves. I'm sorry, but it's true. Some gramatical errors, but not as many as in your first chapter. Keep up the good work!

Yeah but you should try and be in her mom's shoes. Her husband left her because he couldn't handle her or the daughter anymore and then later in the future the daughter becomes a total b***h that she can't even control?

(Yeah it might be different for you guys but for Maria's mother, she just can't handle it anymore and lost self esteem for herself and everything around her.)

Nah that's okay if you can't stand Maria, it's understandable.
Thanks.... I guess but it's all thanks to +Anime Crusades+ for proof reading it for me. 3nodding

[Marshall Turner]

Wow. I've learned something about Maria. She has no home training. She's just a free rider who can do whatever she wants. (It's understandable what you said about the mother, but you shouldn't have told us so soon!)

There are only two paths I can see for this girl: 1) she'll die alone and miserable (if someone doesn't kill her first, of course); and 2) she'll redeem herself... somehow. Somewhere. The latter option seems better hopeless.

Which leads me to my basic assumption: Maria is a one-dimensional character. She's just an overpowering b***h. Please tell me there's more to her than this. If there isn't, then there better be a damned good reason for it.

[Green Tea Chi]

Yeah she really is, no home training and a free rider. Oops, err.. too late now I guess. Lol, yeah there's more to Maria but I'm not going to show it till in a later chapter but right now I'm focusing on the people around her and how they affect her and how she affects them. Well.... trying to anyway.

Thanks for commenting by the way! 3nodding

[Embeded_Devil]

WOW! i like it a lot....
There are some minor details like COMMAS and such...
But besides that, IT'S GREAT! blaugh
Keep up the stories... i just subscribed to this thread...

((are you still updating the stories on the other thread??))

[Alice_Time]

Quote:

God I’m starving! I banged my head on my desk. Ten more minutes 'till lunch time. I looked up at Mrs. Baker, my reading teacher, who was looking at Shawn. He was reading a story, out loud, from our reading book. I looked at the clock again which was hanging from our classroom wall. I sighed loudly. My hair bow fell out of my ponytail, it came loose. I didn't feel like fixing it, so I left it down.

First, the italics: You have some repetition errors. Here, I have noted and corrected them.

The yellow is superfluous. Kill it.

As for the bold: Also, really repetitive and awkward.

All the red is corrections.

[Green Tea Chi]

Thanks Embeded_Devil for commenting. Yay minor... details.

Oh and thanks Alice_Time for correcting the first part of my story.

3nodding

[Frelios]

Like some have said...Maria is one demintional.
We know her personally and how she roams freely to do what she pleases...

But what about her looks?

___For me right now, I really don't mind Maria, sure she deserves the biggest slap, but I have a feeling she's not going to get it anytime soon

Best Wishes.

&& Hope to see more.

[Green Tea Chi]

[elemental_wraith]

Like some have said...Maria is one demintional.
We know her personally and how she roams freely to do what she pleases...

But what about her looks?

___For me right now, I really don't mind Maria, sure she deserves the biggest slap, but I have a feeling she's not going to get it anytime soon

Best Wishes.

&& Hope to see more.

Yeah, but right now I want to show you guys the other characters. Her looks... errr..... I really didn't want to describe her in the story or any of the characters well because I think that is where most people will skip because it might be boring to them.

Lol, yeah an nice big slap. Thanks for commenting by the way. 3nodding

[Embeded_Devil]

bump

just waiting till more... tehehe xd mrgreen

[Green Tea Chi]

3nodding More of my story to come in the next page.