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Great 0.28308823529412 28.3% [ 77 ]
Good 0.22794117647059 22.8% [ 62 ]
Okay 0.18382352941176 18.4% [ 50 ]
Needs work. 0.21691176470588 21.7% [ 59 ]
Bad 0.088235294117647 8.8% [ 24 ]
Total Votes:[ 272 ]
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Troubling Me
Chapter One: Mrs. Baker, Shawn, and Emily
God I’m starving! I banged my head on my desk. Ten more minutes 'till lunch time. I looked up at Mrs. Baker, my reading teacher who was looking at Shawn. He was reading a story, out loud, from our reading book. I looked at the clock again. I sighed loudly and then all of a sudden my hair bow came loose but I didn’t feel like fixing it, so I left my hair down.

“Maria, stop banging your head on your desk! Everyday you come to my class and bang your head on your desk and I am absolutely tired of it. Also you were terribly rude to Shawn as he was reading. Apologize to him now.” Mrs. Baker said angrily. Wow, she notices. Heh, me apologizing to the teacher’s pet. Hell no. I smirked and yawned. I looked over at Shawn; he was looking at me like he was waiting for me to apologize to him. I then looked over at Mrs. Baker; she was waiting for me too. “Well?” Mrs. Baker said impatiently. I looked at my classmates. They were all staring too.

Emily, who sits right beside me, kept whispering to me to apologize. I wanted so bad to say shut the hell up but I couldn’t everybody was staring at me after all. I guess I really do have to apologize. Gag. I looked down and then up at Shawn who was still looking at me. I sighed and asked, “If I said sorry to Shawn, you wouldn’t interrupt me right, Mrs. Baker?” I look over at Mrs. Baker. She nodded. I look over at Shawn. “Shawn, you’re a teacher’s pet and I really... really hope you know that. It’s pit-”

“Maria.” Mrs. Baker interrupted. She sounded kind of pissed off. b***h. You could see all of her wrinkles on her forehead as her eyebrows went down to make that pissed-off face. I really wanted to laugh at that moment but I couldn’t. I would have been in so much trouble. So I just grinned.

“You said you wouldn’t interrupt me, Mrs. Baker. I think you are being terribly rude to me. I want an apology now.” I tried keeping my serious face on but couple of grins slipped out. Mrs. Baker was looking really pissed off now. Her face was turning red and her eyes looked like they would pop out. I took a peek at the clock to see how many minutes it was to lunch. Seven more minutes.

“Maria, apologize to Shawn right now!” She said with a ruler in her hands, as if she was actually going to beat me with it. I smirked at that. Like that hag is going to beat me. I looked over at Emily; she had a disappointed look on her face. I gave her a thumb up.

I looked over at the clock. Five more minutes to lunch time. I better make this fast then. “Shawn, I am terribly sorry for being rude to you. But I can’t help it if I’m bored.” I gave him a thumbs down and turned to Mrs. Baker. “Now where is that apology that I am waiting for?” I said, looking at the clock. One more minute.

Mrs. Baker looked at me and said, “Stay with me after everyone leaves for lunch.” What the hell? I’m not going to ********' stay here with you nagging. “Do you understand me? Stay after.” She said that like I was deaf or something. b***h, do I look like I’m deaf. “Okay, everyone can go to lunch now. Have a nice day. I'll see you tomorrow.” I got up and walked out with the rest of the class. “Maria!”

So what do you think? If you see a mistake then please tell me. This is not all of chapter one, it's just some of it.

Tell me if you would like to read some more. I'll pm you when I post more of my story.

*Please Read This!*
(Strangely some of you guys arn't reading this part. It would tell you that I posted more of my story and the page they are on.)
wahmbulance More of Chapter One on page 2!

Chapter Two starts on page 3 and ends on page 4!

Chapter Three starts on page 5 and ends on page 7.

Chapter Four starts and ends on page 8.

Chapter Five starts and ends on page 9.

Chapter Six starts on page 10 and ends on page 11.

Chapter Seven starts on page 12 and end on 13.

Chapter Eight starts on page 14 and ends on page 15.

Chapter Nine starts on page 16 and ends on page 17.

Chapter Ten starts on page 18 and ends on page 19.

Chapter Eleven starts on page 20 and ends on page 21.

Chapter Twelve starts on page 22 and ends on page 23.

Chapter Thirteen starts on page 24 and ends on page 25.

Chapter Fourteen starts and ends on page 26.

Chapter Fifteen starts on page 27 and ends on page 28.

Chapter Sixteen starts on page 29 and ends on page 30.

Chapter Seventeen starts and ends on page 31.

Chapter Eighteen starts on page 32 and ends on page 33.

Chapter Nineteen starts and ends on page 34.

Chapter Twenty starts and ends on page 35.

Chapter Twenty-One starts and ends on page 36.

Chapter Twenty-Two starts and ends on page 37.

Chapter Twenty-Three starts and ends on page 38.

Chapter Twenty-Four starts and ends on page 39.

Chapter Twenty-Five starts and ends on page 40.

Chapter Twenty-Six starts and ends on page 41

Chapter Twenty-Seven starts and ends on page 45.

Chapter Twenty-Eight starts and ends on page 45.

Chapter Twenty-Nine starts and ends on page 47.

Chapter Thirty starts and ends on page 47.
wahmbulance

Dapper Fatcat

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It has a fun character personality, but it seems a tad repeative.

With all the head-desk banging, she should either have a concussion, or one headbang, then the teacher's comment. That way we'll know that she does it often, without rolling our eyes at a sentence that looks just like the first one in the same paragraph.

And when you introduce a new idea, like Emily, you don't have to say she's your best friend right away. You mention that again later, so you could just write, "My best friend Emily, who sits right beside me, kept whispering to me to apologize."

See? It's easier to read, and you remember more about it. When I skimmed back over that paragraph the second time, I didn't even remember reading it the first. But I got the idea.

So, I like the way you've started out, but try to condense your sentences into easier thoughts. I have trouble with this problem myself, but it's easy to mend.

Just read over your work from a readers point of view. Tons of things will stand out, and then they're easy to fix.

Hope this helps, and I hope I'll be able to see the next bit of your story. <3
Thanks for commenting. I'll look it over and read it again.
domokun

Anymore opinions or comments?
I think that the story is very funny I would love to read more,it sounds like something that happened to me in reading class.......
I like it, it's funny and I like the way her personality is. I can't wait to read more.
Thanks, I'm so glad that you guys like it!
She says "b***h" a little too much. And I think that the time passes too quickly. 3 minutes per sentence is kind of strange.
Admodelfoo
She says "b***h" a little too much. And I think that the time passes too quickly. 3 minutes per sentence is kind of strange.


Yeah, I guess I better fix the time of it. Take away some of the word "b***h" out of the story.

Thanks for commenting! 3nodding
It's a fair shot at a chapter... the characterization could use a bit of fleshing out. Right now you have a b***h for a narrator who enjoys cursing to herself and revels in rebellion. It's all extremely one demensional. We need to know that Maria has a different side to her other than the pure unhidden "******** OFF" that has to be stamped to her forehead.

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i liked it. ^_^ but....
Quote:
She says "b***h" a little too much. And I think that the time passes too quickly. 3 minutes per sentence is kind of strange.

i agree with that. smile
i like it but she says bad words alot
Star Karilesi
It's a fair shot at a chapter... the characterization could use a bit of fleshing out. Right now you have a b***h for a narrator who enjoys cursing to herself and revels in rebellion. It's all extremely one demensional. We need to know that Maria has a different side to her other than the pure unhidden "******** OFF" that has to be stamped to her forehead.


Yeah but I wasn't planning on showing her good side this early in the story.

Eloquent Explorer

Haha! The third paragraph was really funny, and clever too. I'd never dare to say that to a teacher xD

You could reduce some of the repetition caused by her constant glances at the clock by shortening some of the sentences in which she does so, for example, "I looked over at the clock. It was five more minutes to lunch time." could be shortened to just "Five more minutes to lunch time." since it's obvious she would have looked at the clock in order to know that. I like her bitchy character, but I think that her disliking her own best friend overdoes it a bit; we've already absorbed a lot of bitchiness in this short amount of text, and that just seems to be too much. If you still want to keep it in I would suggest putting it in later; maybe have Emily chastise her about talking back to the teacher and have her wonder then why they're best friends?

Do you think you could possibly comment me back? :3 This is my story.

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