Transtastic ||Support for the proud Trans Population||

Remy is back again....

Please don't kill me. D:	13.8%	[ 185 ]
I'll be nice, I promise.	23.2%	[ 310 ]
I'm back for now, we're all good right?	14.2%	[ 190 ]
Wait... What are you doing with that knife?	48.8%	[ 652 ]
Total Votes:			[ 1337 ]

[SSGI]

Dimmer Meerkat

I finally watched Transgeneration. :O

You did! I thought it was fabulous.

Mostly, I thought it was fabulous because everyone around me started realizing what a pain it is to go through that. emotion_kirakira

[Dimmer Meerkat]

SSGI

Dimmer Meerkat

I finally watched Transgeneration. :O

You did! I thought it was fabulous.

Mostly, I thought it was fabulous because everyone around me started realizing what a pain it is to go through that. emotion_kirakira

I'd love to show it to my mother, who's still having a hard time accepting things. I'm afraid she'll try to relate me to Gabby somehow, because no matter how often I tell her my transition has been a four year long conscious consideration, she pretty much thinks I just dreamed it up yesterday and am acting on a whim.

On a side note, man, Gabby annoyed the crap out of me. I hope her attitude has changed some since the filming of that documentary.

[SSGI]

Dimmer Meerkat

I'd love to show it to my mother, who's still having a hard time accepting things. I'm afraid she'll try to relate me to Gabby somehow, because no matter how often I tell her my transition has been a four year long conscious consideration, she pretty much thinks I just dreamed it up yesterday and am acting on a whim.

On a side note, man, Gabby annoyed the crap out of me. I hope her attitude has changed some since the filming of that documentary.

Really? I loved Gabby, though I was disappointed in her at some points.

[Dimmer Meerkat]

SSGI

Dimmer Meerkat

I'd love to show it to my mother, who's still having a hard time accepting things. I'm afraid she'll try to relate me to Gabby somehow, because no matter how often I tell her my transition has been a four year long conscious consideration, she pretty much thinks I just dreamed it up yesterday and am acting on a whim.

On a side note, man, Gabby annoyed the crap out of me. I hope her attitude has changed some since the filming of that documentary.

Really? I loved Gabby, though I was disappointed in her at some points.

The part where she didn't go with Cate for her surgery set me off. Cate was a really kind, genuine friend to her and she snubbed her out of jealousy. Plus she didn't consider her family or any of what they were going through in their lives for the entire year, according to her sisters. She was really overly focused on her own wants and needs.

A small moment of redemption came when Cate confronted her about it and she owned up to it. Then at the end of the series we learn that she's not dilating as much as she's supposed to and seems to think it's not important, which could end up ruining a $15,500 surgery, and that set me off again. >.>

[SSGI]

Dimmer Meerkat

The part where she didn't go with Cate for her surgery set me off. Cate was a really kind, genuine friend to her and she snubbed her out of jealousy. Plus she didn't consider her family or any of what they were going through in their lives for the entire year, according to her sisters. She was really overly focused on her own wants and needs.

A small moment of redemption came when Cate confronted her about it and she owned up to it. Then at the end of the series we learn that she's not dilating as much as she's supposed to and seems to think it's not important, which could end up ruining a $15,500 surgery, and that set me off again. >.>

Oh, yes. That's exactly what disappointed me. I wonder if she knew she was doing that, or if it just sort of happened without any reflection.

Regardless, I hope she's doing well now.

[Desideraht]

So I'm thinking of using Transtastic as my personal little fitness blog, since that has very much to do with my transition. First I'm gonna post a little visual update:



Sorry for the fupa pic; I promise it's relevant. My gut is what I primarily want to focus on in terms of working out. I'm not FAT, but I'm... squishy? Basically I want some definition. I don't want to be buff, though. Also holy crap, when did I get that hairy? LOL. ALSO my little tiny beard is visible in the first pic. Excite!

I also am looking for photos for inspiration. xp Guys with this sort of body type:



EYECANDIEZ. Anorexic people have thinspiration... this is my fitspiration. I'm never going to look like Jayy Von Monroe but I wish I could, lmao... He's more toned than the guy in the second pic, but both of them have nice definition. I like the thin/toned look. I think they call it a "swimmer's body". Basically you have no fat on your body, and you're toned just enough that you have some sharp edges, and you're bony. I can proudly say my shoulders already basically look the way I want them to now... and that's just from being back on testosterone and the lifting I do at my job. I also like the sort of hollow chest look, but still want some sort of definition there as well.

I've also realized I like guys with big hips. Look at them. xd Hilariously enough, I have very unimpressive hips for a female-born person. Oh well.

So yeah, hoping to start a workout routine soon, and I think I'll post occasional updates on how that's going. Also tomorrow I'm hoping to finally get my testosterone appointment set up so I can get on injections and get my levels checked. I've been having difficulty reaching the clinic and my friend gave me another number to try.

IN OTHER NEWS. I want to get a cartilage piercing on my other ear. I love them so much. <3 And I'm tired of thinking I only look sexy on one side of my head, lol.

[Vardoger]

Apparently there's some trans documentary thing on National Geographic today at 10pm.[Edit: link here]

My grandmother says I should watch it. (FFR: I call her Nan).
I'm not sure if I will.

I appreciate that Nan's going out of her way (kind of?) to educate herself about trans things, but maybe I don't want to hear about it. I think I just don't want to hear about it, ever. I do not know why I'm even still in this thread. Maybe because it's a place to just type out my feelings and leave it there... If nobody reads, fine. But there's the possibility somebody will and that's comforting, I guess.

Point being is, I just want to put everything behind me and live in ignorance. Is that so wrong? I want to not have to worry about this s**t. Why is it such a big deal? Years a go I would've loved to be somebody's lab rat but now that I'm 25 (October 5th.. Jesus christ..) I just want it all to go away and pretend nothing ever happened, I was always a guy and that's just the way it was.
Why do we have to be put under the microscopes like freaks?

I am not a martyr and I don't want to be one so why the ******** does everybody think I should be?

I don't know if it's just that time of the year/month or if hanging out with my emo trans-friend did me in but the past few days have been pretty shitty for me. I've stayed in bed literally all day and today I've done absolutely jack s**t. Crying occasionally.

Although it's not the same "need" as before (in the military) I feel like I have to either run away or kill myself again. I'm not going to act on either, but the feeling is there. Why? What the ******** is wrong?

[MarigoldMari]

Desideraht

Anorexic people have thinspiration... this is my fitspiration. ... I like the thin/toned look. I think they call it a "swimmer's body". Basically you have no fat on your body, and you're toned just enough that you have some sharp edges, and you're bony.

Since we both strive to have the same body type, I can tell you that I get my fitspiration from the J-rock world. Most of the guys in the j-rock world have the body type we strive for. They tend to look just like the guy from the pic with the tatts you posted, most times skinnier, and I've noticed a lot of j-rockers like to be naked A LOT, which is perfect for fitspiration. There are also a lot of J-rockers who are female impersonators who look like the picture on the right that you posted.


(And for personal progress' sake): Here is my update for today. I've been moping around researching for my book and avoiding thinking about my girlfriend. My book is going into a heavily transgender arc, being about a transwoman in the mid to late 1800's in England and France. She is a demon and trying to come to terms with that but also the times which surround her. This arc has a lot of trans characters in it, one of the major ones being a Korean transman. I wrote the first story for that arc and it got a lot of praise so far (there are a lot of stories about the second part of that arc already, though).

I've just been doing a lot of research and trying reeeeally hard not to get overly depressed about my girlfriend situation. The estrogen I have to take makes me have super bad mood swings, and sometimes if I get depressed at the wrong time I have the super strong urge to cut myself. So, yesterday, this lady on the suicide hotline told me to just research for my book, put my energy into something positive, and let the girlfriend situation run its course. So I said okay.

I think my biggest problem is that I have no one to vent to about my girlfriend issue. My sister does the equivalent of talk to the hand over the phone when I bring her up, and on every site but this one my gf knows I am on and may be reading my blogs/posts without telling me. So, the feelings just bottle up until I'm about ready to slice my neck open and bleed to death because of the despair. Its getting so bad that I have the urge to commit suicide like every three days, no exaggeration. I just don't know what to do about it. And the worst part is, I'm pretty sure the estrogen is making it worse, but I have to take it. Ah, and I tried to make a thread about it in Life Issues yesterday, and everyone basically told me I'm an a*****e very rudely. One even went as far as to say "people like you" are what is wrong with the LI these days. Even after I closed the thread they wouldn't stop attacking me. I still don't get why they did that.

[MarigoldMari]

Bornes

Apparently there's some trans documentary thing on National Geographic today at 10pm.[Edit: link here]

My grandmother says I should watch it. (FFR: I call her Nan).
I'm not sure if I will.

I appreciate that Nan's going out of her way (kind of?) to educate herself about trans things, but maybe I don't want to hear about it. I think I just don't want to hear about it, ever. I do not know why I'm even still in this thread. Maybe because it's a place to just type out my feelings and leave it there... If nobody reads, fine. But there's the possibility somebody will and that's comforting, I guess.

Point being is, I just want to put everything behind me and live in ignorance. Is that so wrong? I want to not have to worry about this s**t. Why is it such a big deal? Years a go I would've loved to be somebody's lab rat but now that I'm 25 (October 5th.. Jesus christ..) I just want it all to go away and pretend nothing ever happened, I was always a guy and that's just the way it was.
Why do we have to be put under the microscopes like freaks?

I am not a martyr and I don't want to be one so why the ******** does everybody think I should be?

I don't know if it's just that time of the year/month or if hanging out with my emo trans-friend did me in but the past few days have been pretty shitty for me. I've stayed in bed literally all day and today I've done absolutely jack s**t. Crying occasionally.

Although it's not the same "need" as before (in the military) I feel like I have to either run away or kill myself again. I'm not going to act on either, but the feeling is there. Why? What the ******** is wrong?

o.o Our birthdays are a month apart.

::hugs you:: I can sort of understand your feelings about wanting people to forget that you're trans and just know you're a guy.

I think people are just interested in why we do this. And having someone interested for the right reason (sounds like your Nan is) is better than a hater. But its tiring, and I can't even imagine how tiring it must be to you right now and in the future.

I was sort of confused by your last paragraph. Did you mean you don't understand why you feel this way? Or something else?

And I try to read all your posts about these issues. Just know that. I consider you my friend, so its important to me to keep up with knowing how you are.

[Vardoger]

MarigoldMari

I was sort of confused by your last paragraph. Did you mean you don't understand why you feel this way? Or something else?

And I try to read all your posts about these issues. Just know that. I consider you my friend, so its important to me to keep up with knowing how you are.

Thanks. -hugs back-

I guess I don't understand why I feel this way again. Well, I know why-- Because no progress is being made.
But I don't understand why it goes directly to this "die or fly" scenario feeling.
Maybe because I've spent my whole life waiting. :/

Ugh. I don't tell this thread about a lot of the s**t I've been through. I just vent about small stuff here, and then occasionally how I feel like offing myself, but not really why I feel like offing myself or what happened to be the tipping point that time. Earlier today in LD I just poured my heart out about what happened right before I tried to off myself the last time before I was thrown out of the military.. Augh, still so much crying irl. Yesterday I hung out with a transgirl who came over specifically to talk about how we have similar problems, and could maybe form our little duo support network. And it was going great until we went to a sushi bar and I just shut completely down because I started remembering home (FYI: I consider Japan my home, because it was the first time I could actually live on my own outside my helicopter parents' reach, not because Japan was anything magical). By the time I got the girl to actually legit talk about her problems to me (I have no business playing therapist. I know this now), I was fighting the urge to just break down in front of her and bawl my eyes out in her car.

I know I'm not the only one that's going through this, but it seems like I am because I just can't FIND anybody else who's ex-military that's willing to talk about it. And now that I'm ex-Navy I know why they don't.

It's too ******** hard.

.
.
.

But enough about my problems.
...

What's your girlfriend problem?

[MarigoldMari]

Bornes

Thanks. -hugs back-

I guess I don't understand why I feel this way again. Well, I know why-- Because no progress is being made.
But I don't understand why it goes directly to this "die or fly" scenario feeling.
Maybe because I've spent my whole life waiting. :/

Ugh. I don't tell this thread about a lot of the s**t I've been through. I just vent about small stuff here, and then occasionally how I feel like offing myself, but not really why I feel like offing myself or what happened to be the tipping point that time. Earlier today in LD I just poured my heart out about what happened right before I tried to off myself the last time before I was thrown out of the military.. Augh, still so much crying irl. Yesterday I hung out with a transgirl who came over specifically to talk about how we have similar problems, and could maybe form our little duo support network. And it was going great until we went to a sushi bar and I just shut completely down because I started remembering home (FYI: I consider Japan my home, because it was the first time I could actually live on my own outside my helicopter parents' reach, not because Japan was anything magical). By the time I got the girl to actually legit talk about her problems to me (I have no business playing therapist. I know this now), I was fighting the urge to just break down in front of her and bawl my eyes out in her car.

I know I'm not the only one that's going through this, but it seems like I am because I just can't FIND anybody else who's ex-military that's willing to talk about it. And now that I'm ex-Navy I know why they don't.

It's too ******** hard.

.
.
.

But enough about my problems.
...

What's your girlfriend problem?

It sounds like there may be a lot of reasons for the "die or fly" feeling. Maybe figuring out all the roots for the "die or fly" feeling could be the key to helping you control it. Like, "I'm feeling this way right now because of this trigger." Its worth a shot.

It probably sounds like a good idea to focus on others' problems when you have issues that are hard to deal with yourself, but it sounds like you are the one who needs to be taken care of right now. Did you get hooked up with a therapist?

There might be some people who are military or ex-military on transqueernation, this support site I used to go to. Check it out, if you want to: http://www.transqueernation.com/ I noticed most people on that site were aged 25 and up, so there might be some. Or they might have friends who are.


My girlfriend problem is that my girlfriend is simply too busy for me and keeps treating me like an annoyance. Now she keeps unloading her stress from work on me in the form of anger, saying hurtful things. Then the next time she sends a message (three days later usually) she talks like nothing happened, all cheery-like. Its highly confusing and on top of it, I'm going through one of the worst times in my physical illness' history symptom-wise and I feel alone and scared. In fact, we're so out of touch that she doesn't even know that. All I want is to simply talk to her more, and apparently I'm a jerk for asking. She let me know that herself in the most hurtful way possible. It just seems like a lot of things are falling down.

[Vardoger]

MarigoldMari

My girlfriend problem is that my girlfriend is simply too busy for me and keeps treating me like an annoyance. Now she keeps unloading her stress from work on me in the form of anger, saying hurtful things. Then the next time she sends a message (three days later usually) she talks like nothing happened, all cheery-like. Its highly confusing and on top of it, I'm going through one of the worst times in my physical illness' history symptom-wise and I feel alone and scared. In fact, we're so out of touch that she doesn't even know that. All I want is to simply talk to her more, and apparently I'm a jerk for asking. She let me know that herself in the most hurtful way possible. It just seems like a lot of things are falling down.

Try and take a break from her for a while?

I dunno how it's supposed to work civilian-side but for the VA you go and do your thing and then they call you some mysterious time later to make an appointment for some reason. It's like waiting for a god damn job interview. You give them your application (See the doc the first time) they say "We'll give you a call later" and then you just wait forever and ever, unsure if the call will ever actually come.

It probably will. It's only been 2 weeks she said it would be 3 or 4.
I'm just tired of not having a job. But I don't want to step into that trap again. I keep telling myself T first, T first.
But ********, not working is driving me crazy. Being a vet by itself is difficult (They too call it "transition" ahaha) so that's stressful by itself but now I have all the trans s**t ontop of it so it's no fun.

Edit:
Um, all of that was in reference to having a therapist. Yes I saw one that first time, but that was it.

[MarigoldMari]

Bornes

Try and take a break from her for a while?

I dunno how it's supposed to work civilian-side but for the VA you go and do your thing and then they call you some mysterious time later to make an appointment for some reason. It's like waiting for a god damn job interview. You give them your application (See the doc the first time) they say "We'll give you a call later" and then you just wait forever and ever, unsure if the call will ever actually come.

It probably will. It's only been 2 weeks she said it would be 3 or 4.
I'm just tired of not having a job. But I don't want to step into that trap again. I keep telling myself T first, T first.
But ********, not working is driving me crazy. Being a vet by itself is difficult (They too call it "transition" ahaha) so that's stressful by itself but now I have all the trans s**t ontop of it so it's no fun.

Edit:
Um, all of that was in reference to having a therapist. Yes I saw one that first time, but that was it.

Yeah, that's how it is in New York, I think. I'm currently in that same vicious loop with the waiting for therapist thing. They used to have a better system where you could call the therapist and make an appointment yourself but not anymore apparently. Its ******** retarded. I tried to even call a therapist I wanted to see to make a new patient appointment and they told me they don't do that. The wait sucks, but I hope you get called soon.


And I can't take a break from her. Every cell of myself aches to talk to her. Its also ******** retarded.

[Lost Sylvia]

So I just watched the NGE doc Taboo's ep on Transgenderism and i can happily say it gives me a rather good measure of hope for the future. It covered both FtMs and MtFs as well as diving abit into GenderFluid people as well...(including a Certified Passport from Australia with the Sex written as X for what looked like a Genderfluid person as well. they never said where on the spectrum they were) It also has a lot of info given by certified doctors who seem to actually care about US. the only real things that miffed me were that they messed up once talking about tony and referring to him as a she when talking about His past, but it seemed to happen only once. the other thing was, aside from Chris Tina who identified as a hybrid and not saying one way or another on her sexuality ( though she did call herself a Father) they focused on Straight Transgendered people. but still I think they actually did really well at explaining alot of things..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
woops thought i had my post to ornate not Document.. sorry ^ ^
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Dimmer Meerkat]

Bornes

@Q

Hm. I recently read an article on the Huffpost about transgendered military and ex-military people. Given the amount of psychological hardships so many people go though in the military regardless, you'd think there'd be a sort of support network for transgendered ex-military people, or anonymous military tg's. I can understand the fear of being discharged though. DADT's repeal doesn't protect gender identity after all.

In lieu of that specific sort of group, is there any general trans support groups in your area? I think having peers rather than professionals in some situations is really helpful. In as much as you can pour your real thoughts out online because of a general sense of belonging and acceptance, there's a similar effect in support groups in person after the initial awkward phase. Well, I dunno if everyone has that awkward phase but I'm kind of... socially awkward and misanthropic on a regular basis, so it's definitely there for me. >.>

In the group, obviously, you'd be exposed to talking about trans... stuff and junk... But you're also networking. You might meet other guys or girls that you're able to see as -just- guys and girls, instead of FtMs and MtFs, and those people will see you the same way, hormones or not. So eventually you get that connection and that understanding, and you can enjoy a bit of blissful ignorance.

And I know how you feel. I'm not all about transgenderism, really, though I am transgendered. I just want to be me, and be seen how I've seen myself for a very long time. I often think of my childhood and just rue that I wasn't born a male, because I would have breached some of the barriers that were in my way as a "female" child. I might have also been coddled less which... might have made me a more independent person, but I'm deplorably dependent right now and trying to fix that.

Sorry to interject with my own babbles, but essentially I'm just trying to relate a bit. Can't say I know 100% what you're going through, but there's some similarities in there I'd guess.