The Painful Truth: Self Harm - Discussion & Understanding

Do you self harm?

Yes	35.8%	[ 1024 ]
I used to, but I recovered	32.7%	[ 934 ]
I don't, but I know someone who does	13.6%	[ 389 ]
No	17.9%	[ 512 ]
Total Votes:			[ 2859 ]

[deleteusername]

MemoriesOfGreen

Hi, you can call me MoG. I've been a self-harmer since 2006. It's been an off-and-on struggle. I just never really learned to cope well with acknowledging my feelings or sharing when I'm in serious pain. I had a mental breakdown after my parents divorce because of the stress surrounding it. I just remember burning out and feeling like I could hardly get out of bed on the morning I first hurt myself. To make a long story short, I was in so much emotional pain that the only thing I kept thinking was that I'd rather someone break both my legs than to feel that depressed. Stupid me, I thought that cutting would release endorphins or something. After that I just relied on physical pain to help me with my anger and my deep depression.

Fortunately, I found a good counselor who is helping me learn better techniques to deal with my anxiety and depression. So far it's helping, but I still get the urge to hurt myself so I'd say I'm a work in progress.

Hi MoG. It's great that you found a good counselor who's helping you. You are NOT stupid because you were cutting. You did it because you are deeply hurt inside & can't let go of the pain within. Relying on physical pain isn't good either if it means hurting yourself more. You can rely on yourself. Replace negative thinking into realistic thinking. Talk to a close friend about how you feel or express yourself by writing it into a journal or personal diary. If you're angry or depressed, take a moment to calm yourself & distract yourself from the feeling. You can listen to music or read a book. You can control it, just don't let it control you.

[Desideraht]

Song of the Century

Desideraht

Can a person who self-harms from depression grow to "like" cutting? Is it just a way of coping with cutting, or might I genuinely like it?

I went through a "phase" like that. It was nice, it was just a fun little habit, etc. That probably ended just a few months ago, after going on for a few months. It ended after a while and I regret what I did during then. I would warn that it could just be an illusion, a false idea.

Could you elaborate further? I am curious. See I personally really like blood. I mean I have for quite some time. It's shown up in a lot of my art. Only recently did I start craving to see my own blood really. But it relates to my obsession with horror/macabre/morbidity/etc.

[MemoriesOfGreen]

Divine_Empress

MemoriesOfGreen

Hi, you can call me MoG. I've been a self-harmer since 2006. It's been an off-and-on struggle. I just never really learned to cope well with acknowledging my feelings or sharing when I'm in serious pain. I had a mental breakdown after my parents divorce because of the stress surrounding it. I just remember burning out and feeling like I could hardly get out of bed on the morning I first hurt myself. To make a long story short, I was in so much emotional pain that the only thing I kept thinking was that I'd rather someone break both my legs than to feel that depressed. Stupid me, I thought that cutting would release endorphins or something. After that I just relied on physical pain to help me with my anger and my deep depression.

Fortunately, I found a good counselor who is helping me learn better techniques to deal with my anxiety and depression. So far it's helping, but I still get the urge to hurt myself so I'd say I'm a work in progress.

Hi MoG. It's great that you found a good counselor who's helping you. You are NOT stupid because you were cutting. You did it because you are deeply hurt inside & can't let go of the pain within. Relying on physical pain isn't good either if it means hurting yourself more. You can rely on yourself. Replace negative thinking into realistic thinking. Talk to a close friend about how you feel or express yourself by writing it into a journal or personal diary. If you're angry or depressed, take a moment to calm yourself & distract yourself from the feeling. You can listen to music or read a book. You can control it, just don't let it control you.

Thank you! I've started relying more on playing the piano when I'm home alone and feeling stressed. I've also started using a technique that my counselor taught me where I recognize and accept the feeling I'm having instead of fighting it and getting upset over the lack of control. Recognizing and telling myself that my feeling will pass has helped me a lot. The urge to harm when I'm stressed is just about compulsive but I'm trying to teach myself to not give in.

[deleteusername]

MemoriesOfGreen

Thank you! I've started relying more on playing the piano when I'm home alone and feeling stressed. I've also started using a technique that my counselor taught me where I recognize and accept the feeling I'm having instead of fighting it and getting upset over the lack of control. Recognizing and telling myself that my feeling will pass has helped me a lot. The urge to harm when I'm stressed is just about compulsive but I'm trying to teach myself to not give in.

That"s good & you're welcome emotion_hug

[Song of the Century]

Desideraht

Could you elaborate further? I am curious. See I personally really like blood. I mean I have for quite some time. It's shown up in a lot of my art. Only recently did I start craving to see my own blood really. But it relates to my obsession with horror/macabre/morbidity/etc.

It wasn't necessarily a blood, just the whole thing--pain, blood, marks, etc. It was like a little habit. Like getting a new pack of Pokémon cards--they looked nice, it felt nice to have them, and I added them to my collection. Nothing too big, nothing too bad, and it made me feel kinda good. Only then you realize how badly you're invested in it--hundreds of dollars in pretty-looking cards or tons of scars from cutting--and you want to stop, but you're so hooked that you don't want to (need to complete the collection or keep cutting).

Sometimes it was more like having soda. "I want to have something enjoyable that will also help keep/make me happy (caffeine/endorphins)." It didn't feel like a need, just like something I did, part of my daily routine. At some points in my life it felt like I needed it in order to stay happy around people, though. Mostly Friday nights with the marching band.

Most of the time it's just a craving. Or, now, a mix of craving and the want to remove depression.

[Desideraht]

Song of the Century

Desideraht

Could you elaborate further? I am curious. See I personally really like blood. I mean I have for quite some time. It's shown up in a lot of my art. Only recently did I start craving to see my own blood really. But it relates to my obsession with horror/macabre/morbidity/etc.

It wasn't necessarily a blood, just the whole thing--pain, blood, marks, etc. It was like a little habit. Like getting a new pack of Pokémon cards--they looked nice, it felt nice to have them, and I added them to my collection. Nothing too big, nothing too bad, and it made me feel kinda good. Only then you realize how badly you're invested in it--hundreds of dollars in pretty-looking cards or tons of scars from cutting--and you want to stop, but you're so hooked that you don't want to (need to complete the collection or keep cutting).

Sometimes it was more like having soda. "I want to have something enjoyable that will also help keep/make me happy (caffeine/endorphins)." It didn't feel like a need, just like something I did, part of my daily routine. At some points in my life it felt like I needed it in order to stay happy around people, though. Mostly Friday nights with the marching band.

Most of the time it's just a craving. Or, now, a mix of craving and the want to remove depression.

Hmmm, see, I'm not quite there. I have literally 2 little lines from cutting a few days ago and now that they're healing I kind of want to replenish them. I don't want to be covered in lasting scars, just a few cuts that actually heal. A lot of the rush is the blood and pain in the moment, but I am also meticulous about it. I make sure it's clean, I make sure it's bandaged properly, and it's like a ritual. But I also make sure not to cut deep enough to cause scarring that puckers or raises. I don't mind discoloration, buy I don't want to look sloppy.

It's definitely not a regular thing for me or a ritual and I'm thinking it won't be. I don't see myself doing it regularly because of how meticulous I am about preparation, practice, and care.

[Silversan]

CuppycakeSweetheart

Hi all. I'm Desi. I came to this thread maybe once or twice about a year ago. I think I've progressed a lot since then, since I no longer self harm regularly, but I still think it may be an issue.

So, I have really terrible panic attacks. I shake and cry and scream and I usually end up scratching my arms up really badly. The best way I can describe it is because I feel like I'm becoming detached from the current situation, like I'm "slipping", so I do it so I can let myself know I'm still there, if that makes sense.
But the crazy thing is, I don't really feel myself doing it. I guess I feel it, but in the heat of the moment, it's a really dull pain, which makes me want to scratch harder, and when the panic attack finally stops, I realize how bad I actually hurt myself.

My mom told my therapist about how I supposedly self harm, but I refused to tell her anything details. I really don't want to be put back on medication, because I know that's what my therapist is going to say if I tell her everything.

So, advice is greatly appreciates. Thanks.

Hello.

Welcome to this thread, as well as the other newcomers. 3nodding

Perhaps you need to make it clear to your therapist that you are not interested in taking medication, and that you would rather work on your issue by talking about them and dealing with them, or however you want to tackle things. If you do not feel that the current therapist is helping you or working for you, is it possible that you can see another therapist? It doesn't exactly help you to see a person you cannot be honest about due to your concerns.

Do you know that triggers the panic attacks, or is it something that comes at random?

[x Zombie Goes Raaaghh x]

Hello <.<
I used to post here awhile ago.
I'm been trying really hard this year to recover. I was clean from the start of February until the end of may. I've now been clean since the 7th of July.
Lately I've been really struggling. My anxiety and depression is worsening, and my doctor won't prescribe anything to me.
Memories I've repressed from my childhood are starting to pop up. I'm starting to realise why I am the way I am.

I believe that the use of tumblr has both helped and made the urges worse. Photos tend to trigger me.

But I just wanted to say hello <.<

[poor rabbit]

Hello, I'm Emily. I've seen this thread around before but could never quite get the courage to come in. I guess it's all just something I don't like to talk about but lately I've been working on not running away from things.

I used to cut back in middle school and on-and-off through high school. Well, it started back in middle school. Everyone said I was a weird emo kid and I should go cut myself so eventually I did. I would show people openly. I guess it was sort of my way of saying, "Are you all happy now?" but then everyone started saying I was just doing it for attention. So I tried to hide it more through high school and even stop but it kept coming back. I don't do it anymore though. My boyfriend used to do it too and well, we ended up both stopping and we've helped each other through a lot.

I was just reading through the thread and saw a bit at the beginning about eating disorders. I guess I never really thought about that. When I was little, my dad would always tell me not to eat too much or I would get fat so I would try not to. I would always feel hunger pains in my tummy and I always thought of them as a good thing. He still says it's better to be underweight than overweight. But I recently found out I'm really underweight. For my height and everything, I should be about 100 lbs but I'm only 85. I'm trying to eat more but all those pains in my tummy are just so natural to me now. I guess they were just something for me to hold onto when I stopped cutting and it felt okay because they've always been there so it's like they're normal for me.

[summer1412]

I have not forgotten the thread. No one should.

I have a lot of explaining to do - there has been much going on in my life recently and, though that does not excuse my absence, I promise I have been thinking and loving you all from afar.

Hopefully I will be returning with much regularity.

I've missed you all terribly.

heart

[Song of the Century]

summer1412

I have not forgotten the thread. No one should.

I have a lot of explaining to do - there has been much going on in my life recently and, though that does not excuse my absence, I promise I have been thinking and loving you all from afar.

Hopefully I will be returning with much regularity.

I've missed you all terribly.

heart

Neither have I, though I can't remember why I stopped posting. It's good to see you again.

Much has changed in my life.

[summer1412]

Song of the Century

summer1412

I have not forgotten the thread. No one should.

I have a lot of explaining to do - there has been much going on in my life recently and, though that does not excuse my absence, I promise I have been thinking and loving you all from afar.

Hopefully I will be returning with much regularity.

I've missed you all terribly.

heart

Neither have I, though I can't remember why I stopped posting. It's good to see you again.

Much has changed in my life.

I know how you feel. What has been going on with you lately?

[Song of the Century]

summer1412

I know how you feel. What has been going on with you lately?

Self-harm's still a huge issue. I think winter kills my mood--I've gotten into a very deep depression again, for maybe the third time ever. I isolate myself a lot and do little. I don't read anymore because I can't focus.

I don't know if you remember, but I'm female-to-male (FtM) transgender. One of my friends decided to buy me some binders--chest compression shirts. Made me reevaluate how I look at and feel about people, because I've very rarely felt so loved by my friends before.

I spend lots of time thinking about being lonely relationship-wise. I'd love to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but I don't. That probably just comes with my young age though.

I'm majoring in Spanish and minoring in Arabic, and looking at a minor in video game studies, literature, or digital media studies. Not sure at the moment, especially due to depression.

I spend lots of time on tumblr, too.

[MystyTrinity]

Hi my name is mysty and i am new to gaia and this is the first post i have done. I have been a self harmer for many many years. Starting when i was very young. I am one that it is tied with suicide but my suicide tries were different from my harming ways. My main way to harm is to take a dull knife and to press into the skin till the feeling of calm comes around. Sometimes this is a daily thing. If this does not work I will punch things that can take the punch and will hurt my hands.

[Song of the Century]

MystyTrinity

Hi my name is mysty and i am new to gaia and this is the first post i have done. I have been a self harmer for many many years. Starting when i was very young. I am one that it is tied with suicide but my suicide tries were different from my harming ways. My main way to harm is to take a dull knife and to press into the skin till the feeling of calm comes around. Sometimes this is a daily thing. If this does not work I will punch things that can take the punch and will hurt my hands.

Welcome! It's nice to meet you. I'm Roy.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been suicidal. Is there anything that causes you to harm? Bad feelings caused by something? Do you have any coping methods?