The Painful Truth: Self Harm - Discussion & Understanding

Do you self harm?

Yes	35.8%	[ 1024 ]
I used to, but I recovered	32.7%	[ 934 ]
I don't, but I know someone who does	13.6%	[ 389 ]
No	17.9%	[ 512 ]
Total Votes:			[ 2859 ]

[summer1412]

Hey guys.

Going to be posting a gigantic wall of text here within a couple of days, be prepared. I just want to tell you guys how much I love you, even those of you I don't know, and that I'm proud of you all. I will be returning here soon. It has been a long year for me and I've isolated myself from pretty much everything.

Just know that you all are always in my thoughts and my heart.

I'll be home soon. heart

[BlueRaspberryVodka]

I guess I might post here. I did a few years ago and was helped through a rough patch. I've been cutting on and off over the last...jeeze 10 years or so. Recently...something was brought up to me by my parents about myself, that I would really not like people who have access to my post history (IE friends) to know so I won't say it here. But it has made me very confused and I am cutting again. Which has only confused me further. The reason I am returning here is because I am harming myself in new and more severe ways. No where near suicide, I don't believe suicide should ever be considered an option, so its not that I'm worried about.

I've been going through a lot of stress lately and being forced into family therapy, and I can tell the therapist (who I swear to God can read my effing mind heart ) can see what I am doing when my family can't but God bless him, he hasn't said anything. I would really like to talk to him about it but I can't in front of my parents. And that is stressing me out as well, because he has offered one on ones with me, but because of a....rather um...horrific experience with a therapist 8 years ago I can't feel comfortable in a room alone with a man/men.

One reason I can't talk to my family about what is stressing me out is that my brother has recently started to self harm (started this year) but it seems he does it to actually get attention. He only does when someone is actively watching him do it. Though it could be a control issue, I'm not sure. The point is, my parents found out I cut and are now convinced I'm suddenly only doing it because I'm jealous of the attention my brother is getting for it. stare

....I'm not sure what I want out of this, perhaps to get it off my chest in a place other than a personal journal.

Sorry if I rambled.

[Fairy-type]

BlueRaspberryVodka

I guess I might post here. I did a few years ago and was helped through a rough patch. I've been cutting on and off over the last...jeeze 10 years or so. Recently...something was brought up to me by my parents about myself, that I would really not like people who have access to my post history (IE friends) to know so I won't say it here. But it has made me very confused and I am cutting again. Which has only confused me further. The reason I am returning here is because I am harming myself in new and more severe ways. No where near suicide, I don't believe suicide should ever be considered an option, so its not that I'm worried about.

I've been going through a lot of stress lately and being forced into family therapy, and I can tell the therapist (who I swear to God can read my effing mind heart ) can see what I am doing when my family can't but God bless him, he hasn't said anything. I would really like to talk to him about it but I can't in front of my parents. And that is stressing me out as well, because he has offered one on ones with me, but because of a....rather um...horrific experience with a therapist 8 years ago I can't feel comfortable in a room alone with a man/men.

One reason I can't talk to my family about what is stressing me out is that my brother has recently started to self harm (started this year) but it seems he does it to actually get attention. He only does when someone is actively watching him do it. Though it could be a control issue, I'm not sure. The point is, my parents found out I cut and are now convinced I'm suddenly only doing it because I'm jealous of the attention my brother is getting for it. stare

....I'm not sure what I want out of this, perhaps to get it off my chest in a place other than a personal journal.

Sorry if I rambled.

Maybe you could bring someone with you to the one on one session? a close friend you wouldn't mind sharing all this with,
you could try talking to your parents and try making it clear your self harming out of all the stress, not for attention seeking, clearing the air with your family could relieve some stress, but I know sometimes it's hard to talk to family about your problems sine I never talk to mine about anything, but if your already in family therapy it might be a good thing to do while in a session with them just so if they start to get upset or anything the therapist will be there on your side and try to understand with out judging you.

as for your brother, it seems odd to cut while in front of someone, every self harmer I have ever talked to does everything they can to hide the fact they are self harming, you could also try talking to him on why he's cutting if he doesn't have any reason then I guess he may be doing it for attention =/

[Forchest]

heart

[Adversative]

BlueRaspberryVodka

I've been going through a lot of stress lately and being forced into family therapy, and I can tell the therapist (who I swear to God can read my effing mind heart ) can see what I am doing when my family can't but God bless him, he hasn't said anything. I would really like to talk to him about it but I can't in front of my parents. And that is stressing me out as well, because he has offered one on ones with me, but because of a....rather um...horrific experience with a therapist 8 years ago I can't feel comfortable in a room alone with a man/men.

I would tell this to the therapist, and see if there are any possible solutions. I've brought friends to therapy with me before; I've also done phone therapy sessions, and one of my housemates regularly does Skype therapy sessions. You could also meet in a public-ish place, like a park.

[summer1412]

Adversative

I would tell this to the therapist, and see if there are any possible solutions. I've brought friends to therapy with me before; I've also done phone therapy sessions, and one of my housemates regularly does Skype therapy sessions. You could also meet in a public-ish place, like a park.

This completely.
If your therapist has experience in dealing with traumatic situations, as most therapists do, he will understand your hesitations and will probably suggest something similar. You could also see - when you have a chance to talk to him for a brief moment without your parents' listening in - if he would be willing to do a half-hour or hour phone consultation with you. A lot of therapists are willing to do that. It would be a question worth asking, and if your parents have an issue with it, well, he's your therapist too and I think you need to stress that since they wanted you to participate, they should allow you to in whatever way you are comfortable in the situation.

[Silversan]

Just popping it to see how everyone is doing~

As for the therapist issue; is there any chance that maybe the male therapist can recommend you to a female therapist?

[Song of the Century]

Silversan

Just popping it to see how everyone is doing~

Dang, I don't think I've posted here since getting to college.

My self-harm's migrated from legs to shoulders for the most part for easier cleanup, and it's every day instead of every few days. Looks pretty nasty, feels like a constant burning sensation, etc. I feel like I want to get some sun on it just because it would feel soothing (isn't sun good for scars?), but that's not possible. My depression's gone from a basic level at all times to better during the day and worse at night.

I've got a lot of friends here, but I''m not passing as male, which bothers me a bit. Haven't joined any LGBT groups here either. Need to get into therapy but I've been too nervous to make that phone call.

Also, pandas.

[Desideraht]

TRIGGER WARNING
This post may or may not be a trigger for some.

I have a question for the thread, even though this thread is seriously dead.

What if I want to cut? I feel sort of addicted. I kind of like it. And I don't know if that means I'm like other cutters or not. Usually cutters are like, "omg this is so horrible I can't stop!" and with me, it's more like, "I kind of like this, but I don't want people to see it at work". And I din;t want to cut on my thighs or whatever. I like the notches in my arms and I'm trying to think of a good way to hide it 'cos I can't wear long sleeves at work...

I don't think I'll do it a lot, but after I cut with a razor yesterday, it's just kind of like... wow, I kinda liked that. I'm not sure what to think about that. I just get this weird little excitement thinking about doing it again, just for no reason. Not due to sadness, stress or being upset. I just want to see more cuts on my arm, left over sore scabs.

I'm definitely not trying to mock anyone here, and my issue is probably very different than most. I know a lot of people want to stop... and I encourage you to. I think it sucks to cut because you're in pain, and most o the time, that IS why I cut. But recently... it's got this new, weird twist on it. Some people are telling me it's turned into masochism and that I've got a blood fetish. I think I might, which is probably not a great thing to combine with cutting.

Can a person who self-harms from depression grow to "like" cutting? Is it just a way of coping with cutting, or might I genuinely like it?

I see a lot of emo kids do it for the "thrill" or whatever. Or for attention. But I don't even want attention from it. I'd love to hide it. It's like my own little guilty pleasure. I don't want to show it off.

[Silversan]

Desideraht

I have a question for the thread, even though this thread is seriously dead.

I am all for breathing life into this thread.

Quote:

What if I want to cut? I feel sort of addicted. I kind of like it. And I don't know if that means I'm like other cutters or not. Usually cutters are like, "omg this is so horrible I can't stop!" and with me, it's more like, "I kind of like this, but I don't want people to see it at work". And I din;t want to cut on my thighs or whatever. I like the notches in my arms and I'm trying to think of a good way to hide it 'cos I can't wear long sleeves at work...

I have been in and out of the self harm support community since I was in middle school, and I have ran into numerous people who saw no problem in the fact that they were self harming, or/and they had no intention of stopping any time soon. You may not be like the self harmers who view their actions as harmful, bad, horrible, etc. but you are not alone in the thoughts of not wanting to stop, and liking it.

I also think people should stop when they are ready as well.

If you wish to continue, that is a choice, although it is usually a choice that is clouded by mental health issues, stress, etc. I am not even sure that the word "choice" is a good word to use, but I am failing to find another word that suits my needs (at the moment). Perhaps another person can help me out here.

What exactly is your line of work? I ask this because covering it up would be important if you work around food or dangerous chemicals.

Quote:

I don't think I'll do it a lot, but after I cut with a razor yesterday, it's just kind of like... wow, I kinda liked that. I'm not sure what to think about that. I just get this weird little excitement thinking about doing it again, just for no reason. Not due to sadness, stress or being upset. I just want to see more cuts on my arm, left over sore scabs.

Are you self harming in response to unwelcome emotions, which is not always sadness, stress, or being upset, or in response to a situation that you do not want to be apart of for whatever reason? Have you noticed any pattern to the self harm urges that have made you think, even just briefly, "Do I cut myself because of this?"

It is not uncommon for self harmers to not know why they self harm. Sometimes people know why they self harm sometimes, and other times they have no clue.

Quote:

I'm definitely not trying to mock anyone here, and my issue is probably very different than most. I know a lot of people want to stop... and I encourage you to. I think it sucks to cut because you're in pain, and most o the time, that IS why I cut. But recently... it's got this new, weird twist on it. Some people are telling me it's turned into masochism and that I've got a blood fetish. I think I might, which is probably not a great thing to combine with cutting.

Ah, so you have self harmed because you are in pain. Which means that in some cases you do know, or at least have an idea.

Are you getting any physical or sexual pleasure out of cutting yourself? There are people who do harm themselves on purpose, not because they are using it as a coping mechanism, but because they enjoy it.

I can see why this is worrying.

Quote:

Can a person who self-harms from depression grow to "like" cutting? Is it just a way of coping with cutting, or might I genuinely like it?

Sure. I have seen it happen in the self harm support community as well as in my personal life dealing with people close to me who self harm.

The act of harming yourself, intentionally or accidently, does release endorphins. A lot of people will put themselves in extreme recreational or dangerous situations to feel that rush, while others may feel it when they break a bone.

So, could it be that maybe the endorphin rush is what you like?

People have suggested that you are getting a blood fetish, or that you simply like causing pain (to yourself). In the act, is it the blood that fascinates you, the pain, the cuts, or is it a mixture of all or some of these?

Just throwing this out there, but if I am wrong, feel free to point me in another direction or tell me to stop.

Quote:

I see a lot of emo kids do it for the "thrill" or whatever. Or for attention. But I don't even want attention from it. I'd love to hide it. It's like my own little guilty pleasure. I don't want to show it off.

And that is fine. Everyone has their own opinions, thoughts, feelings, and reasons.

[Desideraht]

Silversan

To give a sort of short answer (I did read your whole post, btw):

- I don't think this has been going on long enough (the "wanting" to cut thing) for me to sense patterns. I'll start paying attention to that.
- I do get off when I cut. Like I will get an erection and some weird thrill out of it.
- I am definitely fascinated with blood. I was bleeding from my nose this morning and don't want to wash my hands. It's odd.

[Song of the Century]

I thought, when I started college, cutting my shoulders would be fine.

They're a mess now. If I stop now, the scars could be gone by summer, I think. Next doctor's visit will be awkward, and if my sleeves ride up, I'll be asked some questions. I realized earlier that it was a bad idea to cut my shoulders in case they were seen. Now I'm realizing just how bad an idea it was.

I have a fair amount of support, though, which is invaluable.

Desideraht

Can a person who self-harms from depression grow to "like" cutting? Is it just a way of coping with cutting, or might I genuinely like it?

I went through a "phase" like that. It was nice, it was just a fun little habit, etc. That probably ended just a few months ago, after going on for a few months. It ended after a while and I regret what I did during then. I would warn that it could just be an illusion, a false idea.

Silversan

If you wish to continue, that is a choice, although it is usually a choice that is clouded by mental health issues, stress, etc. I am not even sure that the word "choice" is a good word to use, but I am failing to find another word that suits my needs (at the moment). Perhaps another person can help me out here.

Compulsion? Inclination?

[Mememento]

Hi all. I'm Desi. I came to this thread maybe once or twice about a year ago. I think I've progressed a lot since then, since I no longer self harm regularly, but I still think it may be an issue.

So, I have really terrible panic attacks. I shake and cry and scream and I usually end up scratching my arms up really badly. The best way I can describe it is because I feel like I'm becoming detached from the current situation, like I'm "slipping", so I do it so I can let myself know I'm still there, if that makes sense.
But the crazy thing is, I don't really feel myself doing it. I guess I feel it, but in the heat of the moment, it's a really dull pain, which makes me want to scratch harder, and when the panic attack finally stops, I realize how bad I actually hurt myself.

My mom told my therapist about how I supposedly self harm, but I refused to tell her anything details. I really don't want to be put back on medication, because I know that's what my therapist is going to say if I tell her everything.

So, advice is greatly appreciates. Thanks.

[MemoriesOfGreen]

Hi, you can call me MoG. I've been a self-harmer since 2006. It's been an off-and-on struggle. I just never really learned to cope well with acknowledging my feelings or sharing when I'm in serious pain. I had a mental breakdown after my parents divorce because of the stress surrounding it. I just remember burning out and feeling like I could hardly get out of bed on the morning I first hurt myself. To make a long story short, I was in so much emotional pain that the only thing I kept thinking was that I'd rather someone break both my legs than to feel that depressed. Stupid me, I thought that cutting would release endorphins or something. After that I just relied on physical pain to help me with my anger and my deep depression.

Fortunately, I found a good counselor who is helping me learn better techniques to deal with my anxiety and depression. So far it's helping, but I still get the urge to hurt myself so I'd say I'm a work in progress.

[deleteusername]

CuppycakeSweetheart

Hi all. I'm Desi. I came to this thread maybe once or twice about a year ago. I think I've progressed a lot since then, since I no longer self harm regularly, but I still think it may be an issue.

So, I have really terrible panic attacks. I shake and cry and scream and I usually end up scratching my arms up really badly. The best way I can describe it is because I feel like I'm becoming detached from the current situation, like I'm "slipping", so I do it so I can let myself know I'm still there, if that makes sense.
But the crazy thing is, I don't really feel myself doing it. I guess I feel it, but in the heat of the moment, it's a really dull pain, which makes me want to scratch harder, and when the panic attack finally stops, I realize how bad I actually hurt myself.

My mom told my therapist about how I supposedly self harm, but I refused to tell her anything details. I really don't want to be put back on medication, because I know that's what my therapist is going to say if I tell her everything.

So, advice is greatly appreciates. Thanks.

Hi Desi. The panic attacks you are experiencing may be because of stress or trauma & emotional wounds. Medication may & may not help. I've read this that when a panic attack happens . . picture a person you trust, someone who believes in you & cares about you. Imagine that person is with you, offering encouragement. Panic attacks often reflect feelings of being alone. Remembering & experiencing the presence of another can relieve those feelings of abandonment.