I'm f*cking bored, I have all my games back now. Life is the way it once was only now I even more well suicidal wouldn't be the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind. I'm so bored with life and have nothing too interesting to keep me going. I have stooped so low as to be curious about Charles. Mostly because for a slight second it seemed he was going to seriously hurt someone. It's not often I get to feel such tension in the air that isn't mine. I laughed at the time, but I was seriously intrigued by his violent nature. I wonder why he never gets that way with me. Whenever I get angry with him he backs off. I skipped two days of school to hang out with Jessie. I gave into his peer pressure and negativity. It was rather quite annoying, but the things I do for friends. Well I think I'm doing it for a friend my therapist seems to think I'm always doing things in my own self-interest. I feel like that's just an excuse on his part for not being able to actually understand me. That or he could be right who f*cking knows. I showed him the video that inspires me, "Don't Hug me I'm Scared" It was hilarious. He already knew I was inspired by great atrocities though. He didn't find the humor in the video unfortunately. I wrote a new story, It wasn't graphic enough in my opinion so I threw it away. Not enough indulging, not enough curse words, not enough sex, not enough blood. I don't write poems anymore now that I think about it. Though whenever I look back on poems I have written I always have a new meaning in my words. I inspire myself. I'm narcissistic. At the same time, I'm surprising myself less and less as the days go by. I'm finding less and less things about me that I'm finding interesting. Self-experimentation can only occur for such a long time. The urge to slice open my puppy is astounding. The urge to hold Alejandra down and smell her is almost unbearable. Every time I think about it I get a little excited. Every time I smell her I get a little hard. Old habits die hard. Now I'm thinking thoughts about her I really shouldn't anymore, and here I was thinking I don't shock myself anymore. The urges I have for this woman lately are....bittersweet. I'm going to beat the sh*t out of Christine tonight.. f*ck no I'm not she's busy. sh*t..... Looks like I'm getting drunk tonight. These repressed urges are really f*cking with me. I'm just not the type of guy who can control himself. I do surprisingly well, or so everyone thinks. even I keep my own secrets.