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Well ********. I should be playing games with Kelvin right now but he's not responding. No one really is. Well I don't reach out much. I don't know. I haven't talked much over this "Break". My mom is threatening not to pay for my medical expenses, so again I might not be leaving. Just die slowly, and rather painfully. My pills are necessary now. Without them I feel great pain. I like it though I guess. It's something I can handle rather then all the emotional pain I give myself. Just writing the words hurt. God I 'm overreacting. All the time I spend though thinking about love, and what I wanted is starting to fill me with lust. It's not uncontrollable though. Just I wish I wasn't so lonely all the time. My own hallucinations are dicks to me. Steve(my therapist) says it's because of low self-esteem. I don't doubt it really. I would like to argue, and say I have high self-esteem, but I know it's a lie. I don't really have much of a plan for life anymore. I'm kinda hoping I die at this point. Was I the only one rooting for the end of the world? I hope not, and again I doubt it. I feel like I'm forgetting something right now. I might end up going back to school. I don't wanna go, but if I end up staying I will. Heartache aside it still fills me with some joy seeing the girl I love. The other girl I love is having her wedding soon. She's waiting for me to show up to be the best man. I guess I should be flattered, but it's still pretty heart breaking. As long as she's happy I guess. I sighed.....Why does it seem I can never be happy for long? The world must balance out I know. Sometimes it just seems to uneven... That's just me being a Debbie Downer....I sighed again.... I still haven't finished the two stories I started. I only started writing them to stop myself from thinking. I probably hurt myself with my thoughts more than other people. Who the ******** knows, and who the ******** cares. I'm starting to not care about me. Well again anyway. I still have no word for the way I feel lately.... There's no word that google can find for me... Oh well I ******** it...
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