I almost feel old saying that I'm officially done with my first semester of College. It is strange saying that, though I suppose it was just as strange last year when I noticed I was indeed on the verge of graduation.
I look back on where I was last year, and although there are certain aspects I do miss about High School, I've finally stumbled onto the realization that I am happy to be out. I'm living a different life then I was last year. Well, sort of. The addition of a car most certainly helps in life.
I didn't want to graduate. As a matter of fact the very idea alone stirred up a lot of anxiety. I just couldn't even think of what I would do with myself after High School. It's almost funny, in an ironic way, that I am much more happy now then I was at this time last year. It makes me feel silly, I spent so much time dreading graduation last year, and in the long run, it wasn't bad at all. It ended up being good.
I've met some new people this year, a few who I just seemed to click with. And over all, I've been able to feel much more like myself in public. To be out-going with others, though, still not everyone, but to still surprise myself with the fact I was open to start conversations with people I didn't know so well. After four years of playing the role of the decorative flower on your favorite wall, I can't help but find moments such as those intensely refreshing. It's nice to feel like yourself for once.
I can't lie. I do regret the fact that the persona I seemed to capture in High School wasn't me. And I hate that. I hate the fact that very few people actually got to see who I really am. I was quiet in High School, shy, scared that my middle school years would suddenly become an instant playback. Therefore I never really showed my true personality. Yes, my close friends knew the real me, and when told I am quiet, they would laugh. However, the majority of my High School never got to really know me. Chances are, I was never viewed as anything but the quiet girl anyway.
I regret that. And I'm going to try not to make that mistake again. I can't stop being shy, and I can't stop anxiety from hitting every so often, but I do feel as if I am improving, at the very least. The addition of new awesome friends never hurts.
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"No man is happy without a delusion of some kind. Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities.-Christian Nestell Bovee
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