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Hello all. It has occurred to me that I have never before known abject terror. This doesn't mean I haven't been scared or frightened, no terror goes way beyond that. When you're scared you can still think and reason, fear restrains you from doing things that you are not capable of doing. Fear preserves life. Terror on the other hand shuts down you mind, it grips you so that you can no longer reason, terror often kills. Thinking back I find this odd, I've seen some pretty mess up stuff in my short life. I've seen two people murdered, dodged a bullet or two, sutured my own knife wounds and other related other such unpleasantries, and I'm confident in the fact that if I had been terrorfide that I would be dead. Until recently I didn't think there was anything that could, life has made me so apathetic that very little really affects me anymore. But the reason for me contemplating all of this is that I am in love with a certain young woman, and that's not a word i through around people. Hate I use liberally but there are only two people I have ever said I loved. Now she has completely rejected me, literally shut off all communication with me, and while that may deter some, they have obviously never been in love. So I held out hope that she would grow up and I would be able to redeem myself in her sight. However I am beginning to lose that hope, and that terrifies me. I literally don't know what to do, and I always have an opinion on everything. It's really, really weird for me. Fortunately none of you know me or her, or you don't know you do so I can hit that little submit button without any fear of retribution. One more thing, IF anyone is reading these then you know that I hate lairs. This same young woman has twice made a lair out of me. TWICE!! And that pisses me off. I didn't even have tome to forget my statement and I went back on it for her and her solely. Never before have I done that, not even for my own mother. And she's mad me do it twice!!! But that probably means nothing to you. If you're curios about the caption in my signature, my life has lead me to believe those words without exception. Happy are those you no longer walk the world of the living, blessed are those souls that have and never will know the hell that is this world and cursed are the rest of us. Amen
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