Eclipsed

• Artist: Gravetye
• Description: Just a short poem I wrote based off of a prose piece. I don't usually write poetry, so if it's awful, I do apologize.
  
  And note: Do not pause at the end of every line. This is meant to be read as if it were an essay, so only pause at punctuation. Thank you!
• Date: 02/06/2009
• Tags: eclipsed moon light dark dream

Eclipsed

He breathes,
Still and unmoving
Because he sees nothing--
Just black--
Though the moon flickers
Overhead. Silver light
Stutters
Behind his eyelids.
The sound of water drips,
Leaking,
Into consciousness,
But he is not awake.
He hears
Nothing in the end
When the sky glints silver
And black
Again. And he waits
For a single moment,
Silent,
Before hope is lost.
He fears the light will die.
Go out.
And someday it will--
The stars already fade,
Too slow,
Too damn slow when light
Makes his eyes ache behind
Eyelids,
Searing, blinding, don't wait--
He wants to end this
Tonight.

Comments

[Agrikar the Hidden]

I didn't see anything wrong with it. I don't understand what Misterious Gal is talking about, personally it's a pretty nice poem.

[SilvertongueSagittarius]

not bad. you should try resticting the syllable count

[Lex2442]

I'm sorry but you dont have the talent for poertry, your talent is writing fiction! good try, 2/5

[Gravetye]

Haha, thanks, Myth.

[mythological irony]

It's good! And not choppy! I read it right!

[Ninja Chaotix Dragon]

A little choppy, but otherwise it's awful—awfully good! (4/5)

[Echonance]

Choppy. Otherwise, very pretty, too emo for my taste, but choppy. Try making your writing smoother; a cleaner flow can be all you need to entice readers.