When someone does something, even the littlest of somethings, it can make or break my world. Usually I can open the lid and quickly shove something inside without bursting the bottle. But every so often someone shakes the nearly-full container so when I go to open it again to put a small, tiny something inside, it explodes and so do I along with it.
For example? I've been through a lot. Maybe not as much as some, but more than most. My biological father left when I was a few months old and didn't contact me for 15 years, someone very close to me hurt me in a way no girl wants to be hurt, I've moved around an awful lot so I had to make new friends each time, I'm always getting made fun of, I've been depressed for a year, I was spotted with cuts and my parents found out (it was a while ago), my first love turned out to be a sham and the woman I thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with changed , so we are no longer an item.
It's kind of overwhelming, isn't it? What sent me back into depression was the loss of the love of my life. She didn't die, but her promises did. She said she would always love me, she said she would make me feel good about myself and see that I am capable of being loved, she said she would tell me if anything changed between us, she said, she said, she said, etc etc etc.
We broke things off as easily as we could. It was like walking on egg shells. And it still is. I cry myself to sleep most nights because of it, and I can't help the temptation of easing the pain in my heart with a different kind of pain. My arms are safe, but I've traded in my sweaters and wrist bands for pants and leggings. I don't think she understands what this is doing to me, so I put on a face and act like I'm her friend from last summer. As long s she's happy...
The thing that hurts the most is that I'm straight. I don't like girls in any other way except friendship. I fell for her, and even tried not to, but I couldn't help how my heart raced everytime I saw her. I couldn't help the way my palms itched to push back those thick, auburn curls that kept her face hidden from me. And I can't help how I still feel about her.
With all of this eating away inside of me, I can't help it building up until the pressure is too great to handle and I break down, falling back into the crumblies. My poor, human mind and body can't take much, even though I try so, so severely to be strong.
I cried today. Right in front of my stepmother and little brother. Just one, little thing set me off. I heard my song for her on the radio and it just broke my heart all over again. I was crying so hard I couldn't change the station. I listened to the words, remembering her body and her soft lips pressing against mine. I remembered the way her eyes sparkled when she laughed or smiled, a mischievous look causing her to seem less of an inocent. All I could do was I look away, digging my nails into my arms to think of something else, but I just couldn't take it. I was too weak and it had been a few days since my last cry.
I felt the stream of hot tears down my cheeks before sobbing. I looked away, out of the car window so neither on of them had to look at me. I knew I was shaking, I knew I was trying hard to keep it in and locked up, wait till I was alone in the shower so even then I couldn't tell if I was crying. But they wouldn't stop. I tried and tried and tired. Eventually I just gave up and let them scurry down my face and onto the white shirt I was sporting.
My stepmother only had three words for me, comforting me the best she could while keeping her eyes on the road and at least one hand on the wheel.
"Music is powerful."
I could only nod and waited for my episode to pass. I managed to grab the tuner and flip it to something else, though it didn't really matter since the song was almost over anyway. I didn't pay attention to what came on next, I was working on the salty liquid gushing out of my eyes.
Eventually it stopped, and I felt tired. I've been very drained these days. I pulled down the shade and popped open the mirror, making sure I got all the tears off of my profile.
Life's hard, but I'm slowly working through it. I may be wollowing under some pretty thick balck muck now, but it could always be worse. I try to tell myself that it will get better, that I will love her as just a friend one day. But I know I'm trying to fool myself, and failing miserably at that. I love her, and I promised I always would no matter what. I promised her forever.
I don't break my promises.
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