The story of Life and Death

• Artist: CrystalizedSweets
• Description: This is the beginning of a story I am wanting to write. However I what to know if it is worth it or not. So, I would like feedback. basically it will tell the tales of Life and Death. I got the idea a few days ago and just now finished my first editing of this.
  FEEDBACK WANTED!
  Time is the father
  Nature is the Mother. (someone said to explain that. ^-^)
• Date: 07/31/2011
• Tags: story life death

“There once was a moment, when Time himself looked upon Nature
And found her beauty to be beyond even immortal comprehension
So they began to dance and look into each other’s eyes
And thus love begun, and from such love came lust
Soon two beings were born.
One a son, formed a being with his hands
And breathed into it a soul to live
Proud of their son’s doings they gifted him with the name of Life
The other a daughter, amazed at her brother’s power
Reached out to touch the small being to gift it herself
However the form fell into pieces as the soul was ripped away
Torn by their daughter’s actions they cursed her with the name of Death
This came to be the Twins, Life and Death"

Comments

[vv7722]

Sounds like the beginning to a folktale or myth. (from the style it's written in) I love it. ^^

[FoundInSong]

Thanks for your comment on my entry. This is good, but it does give the idea of a poem, though you say it isn't. I like the idea of the story.

[Yaoi_Fangirl_001]

its good, i'd like it to continue.

[CrystalizedSweets]

well it's not really a poem. it's the first few lines of a story i'm writing.
it's something people tell over and over again to explain birth and dying in my story.

[Sarcasm Addict]

It's good. Im not a critic or anything so I cant give much feedback except that I liked it. Maybe you could try and make it into a rhyming poem.

[CrystalizedSweets]

PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS!!! they are wanted!