Anything Goes Writing Contest ~ Hangout Mode

Coronavirus brought it back...

Poll Pimps = TEH SEX	31.9%	[ 30 ]
GGW XI Playoffs	8.5%	[ 8 ]
Due AUGUST 15	12.8%	[ 12 ]
PROMPT ROUND	17.0%	[ 16 ]
Woot panda!	29.8%	[ 28 ]
Total Votes:			[ 94 ]

[The Solarised Night]

Wing McCallister

Well, I guess they each have their own roles. razz

We have to look at potentially giving the cats away in a few months sad
That is unless we can find a place that will accept pets.
brb tank is about to glow

[Wing McCallister]

Glowing successful.

[phantomkitsune]

Yay, got here just in time for Solar's tank.

[Wing McCallister]

Well howdy, PK.

[phantomkitsune]

Hey. How goes your evening?

[Wing McCallister]

Starting to get tired, but it was pretty good. I got another version of my deck figured out.

[phantomkitsune]

That's cool. What's this version do?

[Wing McCallister]

Reshiboar with a Zekrom tech-in. razz

Also, the post office... is pissing me off!

[phantomkitsune]

Oh? Why?

[Wing McCallister]

I've tried to mail packages today and Saturday, and both days, the ******** place was closed early.

[The Solarised Night]

phantomkitsune

Yay, got here just in time for Solar's tank.

Thanks for the play heart

[The Solarised Night]

I am really terrible at writing poems but I have to submit something for the second round of BLB's contest. I wrote this casually and (as you know) I make poems way too long/ don't always flow with them well. Anyone want to help me rape this poem then? TLM helped me since it was required other contestants gave a crit to another piece but as you can see, it is still mega drafty. I don't expect to make it to round 3 (way too much going on outside of gaia to worry about) but I want to at least have something presentable.

Isolate= topic
Thesis = word within poem
Posture = metaphor

Separated by a glass wall,
I smile.
From behind amber tinted windows,
you watch me dance.

Don’t hide behind your thesis
or your PHD.
You may be a CEO,
but you can’t escape from me;
Indulge in the revelry.

Let me whet your thirst,
Break the seals,
hold my neck and throw me down.
Enjoy the consummation.

Let me be your instant gratification.
My bubbly charm is contagious.
Just hold tight for the lonely ride,
and bring me to your lips again.

My warmth seeps through your core;
you are radiant,
glowing through ruddy cheeks.
Doesn't it feel nice?

Look how strong you are!
Have you been working out?
Don't be scared to puff up that chest
and roar proudly with laughter.

Your head spins as I swirl around.
When I kiss down your throat,
time seems still.
You'll never know how fast I can go
until I am gone.
If only you could see beyond those
nifty little goggles.

Red block digits beep from your bedside table.
Late for work? Nonsense;
there is still time for a swig.
Ignore the vomit on your tweed jacket;
it never looked very good on you anyway.

Didn't anyone ever ask about your swollen eyes?
Your office seems tense today.
Perhaps they know that you can't conceal me on your hip
while you pray that they'll ignore the stale musk.

Disregard the whispers;
they’re just jealous.
Don’t worry about them,
Or the puke on your face;
The refusal to stand stiff
and swallow their s**t,
is not a disgrace.

I’ll contort you, mercilessly, into a coil
then leave you in a heap on the floor,
but I still have a hold on you.
Let's face it; where else would you go?

Break your back
to earn every last penny.
Spend the entire dole
to fill the bowl that’s empty.
Then stand up tall,
like a man who has plenty.

You washed that life away,
in a cumulative, destructive drought;
but go on! Slack off, let loose.
You are a puppet of the booze.

Perform for them. Dance on tables,
stumble through life, like a giddy dream.

Until all that is left,
is you and I
and the boxed up scraps
of your old life;

You’ll never be lonely
with me in your hand,
but you’ll forever be captive
in bottle-o land.

[Wing McCallister]

The Solarised Night

Isolate= topic
Thesis = word within poem
Posture = metaphor
^----- Has no idea what this is about...


Separated by a glass wall,
I smile. <-- Right away, these first two lines don't make grammatical sense. 'Separated by' implies a plural subject, which you funk up with the use of 'I'.
From behind amber tinted windows,
you watch me dance.

Don’t hide behind your thesis
or your PHD.
You may be a CEO,
but you can’t escape from me;
Indulge in the revelry. <-- I already know what BLB will say about this: why introduce a rhyme scheme here if it's only there for one stanza. It makes it stand out as cheesy. I also don't think that the last line fits with the flow, and I really don't understand why you are throwing around PHD and CEO. What is it's purpose, and how do those terms connect with what you've already written?

[The Solarised Night]

*curls up in a ball and purrs*

[The Solarised Night]

Wing McCallister

The Solarised Night

Isolate= topic
Thesis = word within poem
Posture = metaphor
^----- Has no idea what this is about...


Separated by a glass wall,
I smile. <-- Right away, these first two lines don't make grammatical sense. 'Separated by' implies a plural subject, which you funk up with the use of 'I'.
From behind amber tinted windows,
you watch me dance.

Don’t hide behind your thesis
or your PHD.
You may be a CEO,
but you can’t escape from me;
Indulge in the revelry. <-- I already know what BLB will say about this: why introduce a rhyme scheme here if it's only there for one stanza. It makes it stand out as cheesy. I also don't think that the last line fits with the flow, and I really don't understand why you are throwing around PHD and CEO. What is it's purpose, and how do those terms connect with what you've already written?

Oops, the opening was a little different before. I need to make it clearer that I am addressing the audience through some form of second-person.
I don't purposely screw around with rhyme schemes; they just happen but you are right - I need to stick to one style and not change all the time.
CEO and PHD are used to define the white-collar class or someone who is highly educated and in a position of authority. Obviously you think that this needs to be addressed in a different way.

I want to write about the destruction of someone's life -preferably someone to fall from a high position- caused by alcohol. My focus was on personifying the beer. Cliche, for sure, but I want to screw around with it anyway. I also want to put some kind of puppet/ manipulation allegory in there but first I want to cut the beast down. It is way too long.