[Legends of E t e r r a] :: CH. 16 HAS ARRIVED.

[Jellybean Disaster]

Thanks again for the review! Humorous per usual. XD

A few things:
-I definitely don't know how to describe things without being redundant, so I try to get creative. That's why you might see things like, "the boy with silver hair" or "the one named Faris", etc. because I fear that if I use, Chousa did this, Faris did that, it might come off as boring and just the same old...? If you think that's okay to do, that makes my job a LOT easier, and I don't have to fish around for other things to call the characters! XD

-Eterra has more hours in the day than earth, somewhere around the tune of 30-34 hours as oppose to earth's usual 24. I didn't want to outwardly say it because I hoped that maybe the reader would pick up on it. Also, I felt it wasn't really that important to mention other than "Oh, I've been asleep for 14 hours...?" because I was trying to show not tell, if that makes any sense? Anyway, maybe I'll go into more detail about it in the future, but I haven't decided. I just felt kind of dumb explaining it at that point.

-This is told as a sort of...third person limited (but it might be a little omniscent in the future, I haven't decided), in that everything is through Elle's eyes. So when things "seem" this way, or that... I was hoping to sort of display the uncertainty that Elle has about these things. "Hmm, this boy seems like he has pointed ears...is that possible? I've never seen anything like it" seemed like a good approach. Not only that, but there's a lot of things like "even dishes!" because in Elle's eyes, it's just a comparison/contrast between Eterra/Earth. If there's a better way to do this, definitely let me know!

-Elle has a GREAT memory, as you will see in the next chapters. Also, she is very gullible and very trusting, so I'm glad that she's come across that way for sure - very reminiscent of Yuna.

-SPACE BRITS LOL

-Multiple moons are cool. crying They are relevant, I swear. I don't come out and say it, but hopefully as the more of the plot is revealed, there will be a big collected, "ooooohhh" from the audience.

-GET IN THE CHOPPA WE AVE TOO GET OUUT OF HEYUH

-Yeah I agree, the last line sucks. I R SO GR8 AT FORESHADOWING

-Oh my GOD we are so on the same level - I think in terms of video games, too! I always think, okay, if this was the opening dungeon, and these are your party members, this would be the dialouge, and blah blah blah. I have a feeling I shouldn't be doing this, though. And about Eterra...there's a little bit of "learning" going on in the next chapter, but not a whole lot. Didn't want to bombard the reader with too much in one chapter, so I'm trying to space everything out.

-My descriptions tend to be SUPAH SUPAH flowery, so I'm very sorry for that. crying I'm afraid it's a stylistic thing.


...eep, I wrote a lot! Sorry, didn't meant to get so wordy. As always, I do appreciate your tips/reviews! I just felt like I should address some stuff so that I can help you help me. YAY EDITTING.

[Serenity Reed]

I think if you've become redundant, you've said too much. Simplify yourself. Think of how a regular person speaks--now, write the exact opposite! Say only what is important, and only what adds to the story--not what your character thinks, or things that don't really matter. The job of a story teller is to create a moving narrative with a point, which entertains the reader. Stream of conscious doesn't work because a person thinks of too much, connected with too many feelings, and is too easily distracted.

That said, you must think the way Elle thinks--only you must condense. Take your 'only the important' stuff and then put it through an Elle Filter. Elle should have a different way of saying things than even you have. She'll notice things that others won't, as you've noted. Your problem, it seems, is that passive voice. I doubt Elle is so passive. You can't just lay everything out without making it move. Taking out that passive voice will do a lot to help, as well as stripping it down. Instead of saying that 'this was what it was', connect her observation with action.

Let me try it myself.

Quote:

Elle awoke with a gasp. Her eyes met a ceiling of twigs, coupled with the pitter-patter of a soft drizzle. The air was heavy, though the room was cool. There was no door, only a small cloth which moved slightly with a draft. She sat up, letting the fleece blanket fall away. Her back was sore, and her arm throbbed where she'd been grabbed. Her hair was an unruly mess.

The floor was also made of sticks, which strained and cracked beneath her as she crossed to the doorway. Soft voices met her ears, and she peeked into the next room.

I guess that's how I'd write it. About three paragraphs, condensed. =/

Ooookay. That makes a bit more sense, I suppose. So, uh, it'd be nice to learn when they sleep and stuff. No doubt Elle will become tired on Earth time, and you can use the opportunity to explain the time difference.

We don't really need to learn all about the world--we just need to get from 'Elle is confused' to 'Elle is ready to traverse the land to return home'. At this point, it moves too quickly into the second without actually changing much.

It can be bad to think in terms of battles, especially random encounters. Slap on 'Encounter None' and focus on the character journey instead of the actual walking, and you should be fine. =3 And trust me, I am usually a great deal wordy. 8U

[Jellybean Disaster]

Awesome, thank you for the explanation, makes way more sense. Now I can apply this to future chapters and hopefully get better? And moreover, use it to make Chousa more 3-D if that makes any sense? Because I know there's been a couple of people who think Chousa is like...SUPER boring and totally not interesting what so ever, and the same people are like, oh yeah Elle is SUPER interesting...and THEN there's people who think the exact opposite - Elle is flat, Chousa is fascinating.

My challenge will be to please both ends of the spectrum!

[Serenity Reed]

Yeah, I see where you're coming from. The only reason I find Chousa interesting is because of the vibes he gives of of having an interesting backstory. They took out his ability to speak at a normal rate, so of COURSE it must be interesting. 8V At this point, though, you haven't given any reasons to find Elle interesting, at all. I only know how to describe her from what you've told me. 'Shy, gullible, trusting'. Chousa is even worse. I'm pretty sure he's just 'quiet and talks slowly'. I know it's possible to just work with what you have and fix that. I'm sure you can do it, too. =3

[Jellybean Disaster]

Yep!

I'm actually thinking that the addition of other characters with different personalities will help bring out theirs, so that way they can play off of each other. I'm HOPING, anyway! XD And also, I'm hoping different circumstances (than the ones they've been in so far) will help with their character development.

Chousa has a serious back story. He's a serious dude. Picture related:


Not pictured: Chousa hanging with his broskies.

[Serenity Reed]

rofl

That would REALLY help; just don't go overboard. Essentially, it looks like you've got Yuna and Kimarhi-esque characters. Now you need a Tidus to shake it up, since your would-be Tidus acts like Yuna and your would-be-sort-of Yuna is Kimarhi. That dynamic won't carry the story alone when it is not the primary focus. =/ And again, DON'T go overboard. I have 30+ characters running around in my novel, all of them plot-important, which only gives me EVEN MORE trouble, trying to fit all of the back story and reactions and stuff in. D8 That said, you should build up the relationship between Chousa and Elle before doing anything else.

Actually, if you spent lots of time building up to the 'let's journey' part, Faris would be an acceptable 'snarky and uninhibited' character to help along that growth.

....I understand. Chousa is a MERMAN! It's all clear now! I also imagine him with a monocle. A space monocle.

[Jellybean Disaster]

OH DEAR GOD, 30 CHARACTERS? My brain just started bleeding at the thought. No, definitely not 30 - at the most? 8-10, and even that's a rough estimate. And yeah, dull character + dull character = ??? (profit!?)

I'll have to see if I can add another dimension to Elle - she seems to be the issue.

[Serenity Reed]

...That's why I'm rewriting a huge portion to fix the errors with 'why should I care about X?' that plague me. XD Not even I can keep track of all of them. (I always forget Terry...)
Going past 7 is pushing it--no doubt a good number will be left out. And I agree; Elle seems to be the problem here. She just needs a spark of life to make her dimensional.

[Jellybean Disaster]

Yeah, I can definitely relate to losing track of characters. Some of those characters will be minor; I guess you could say they sort of exist to bring out more personality to Elle? And there's another side to Elle that I hopefully will unveil in Chapter VI? I don't know how well it will go over. We'll just have to see, I guess.

Man, 30 characters, though. Suikoden, anyone? x_x

[Serenity Reed]

Well, I suppose that's okay, but at least keep them minor if they aren't important to the plot.

I've never played Suikoden, so I go with Chrono Cross. 44 playable characters, anyone? At least only about twenty are playable all together in mine. =/ And never at once.
Oh look at that a cast list *whistle* http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?page=39&t=14267769#263412261

[Jellybean Disaster]

Your life is Chrono Cross.

No, I'm serious. This is your life.

[Serenity Reed]

What? My life is not a barely comprehensible and poorly executed plot! Okay, actually, well, it is. Well, there isn't any awesome background music, or confusing battle mechanics, at least! D8

[Jellybean Disaster]

Hahah! Nice. XD

I be reviewin' your first chapter. I'll PM it to you when I'm done. So far I don't see anything glaringly wrong, so it'll just be some random comments along the way and some reaction pieces. But I'm not done, so we'll see! : D

[Serenity Reed]

It would be nice if you could post in the thread--I just like to have all comments together. I lose things. Really easily. 8V

[Jellybean Disaster]

Of courrrrseee, m'dear. : D