Polyamory 102: A Support Thread for Consensual Non-Monogamy

New Poll for...awesomeness!

Yay! Awesomeness!	60.0%	[ 357 ]
Yeah...awesome... [/sarcasm]	15.8%	[ 94 ]
[insert your own thoughts here]	24.2%	[ 144 ]
Total Votes:			[ 595 ]

[Kayu Ryukai]

Mameoyashi

Ecksvie

I have enough faith in my boyfriend that I know it's nothing personal if he had another girlfriend, but I do sometimes get paranoid about the most stupid things sometimes. I dont know if it's that I'd feel inadequate, but it's kind of like "You've been wanting me for 6 years, I'm the love of your life and now you have me, what MORE do you want?"

I feel like relationships should lead somewhere, which ours is. He says that some girls dont want anything out of a relationship other than the here and now, but I cant really believe that. If you're in love with someone, then there isn't going to come a point when the girl says "okay, had enough now, it was fun while it lasted". What about the point when he'd have to say "Sorry, I'm getting married to my other girlfriend now"? I can understand the basic principles of polyarmory, but there are some practical issues that seem really weird to me.

I dont find it awkward to talk to my boyfriend about it since we'd been discussing it long before we were together, although obviously things have changed since we're an item now. It's a personal issue rather than a debate. I say what I feel to him about the subject, but there's a limit to that. I tell him how I'd feel if he had another girlfriend and say I'd deal with it if I had to, but what I'd really like to say deep down in my soul is that I really dont want it to happen. I've told him I'm living in the hope it never happens, but I've never said to him that he's the one with the power to make sure it doesn't. I dont know if I should. I know he cares about me and my feelings, but would I be right to tell him this? Kinda feels like I'd be manipulating him or something.

Yes you would be right to tell him your feelings. A healthy relationship requires open honesty and communication, expressing your feelings is not the same as manipulating him. You shouldn't have to suffer silently hoping that something you fear never happens, and he deserves to know the consequences of his actions (i.e. you being really hurt by him finding another girlfriend) and be able to act accordingly with as full of knowledge as he can manage to get.

As for other practical issues... not everyone who is polyamorous stays unmarried, or breaks up their V, triad, quad ect just to get married to one person. Often times the relationship continues to hold all members, even if two of the relationship get married. After all in a legal sense marriage in the end is just a set of rights and benefits(and yes can only be between two people as of right now), but the spiritual and emotional side of it, the ceremony of committment itself, can be between more, even if not legally recognised.

@Kayu: I don't think you're small minded, you sound like a very capable and intelligent person. It's okay to be confused sometimes especially with concepts that challenge believes and perceptions you've had since you were young and that society at large understands, holds and encourages. It's tough to understand something that goes against that grain, I can understand that as I've struggled through that myself.

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. I'm kind of those undecided neutralists usually. Decisions and ideas are hard for me to really deal with. I just truly want to get through life happy and healthy with the person I love and then if possible die happy. There's just so much things we as humans deal with today. I don't see any religion, sexuality or any such preference wrong but I do know I'll never be able to comply with anything.

[Pom Graines]

Ecksvie

It's not that I'm completely uncomfortable with it, it would just feel REALLY weird for me. I love him so much, and I know him having another partner is in no way a sign that he loves me less. If it happened, I would do my best not to let it come between us, and we're so special to each other that I'd never let us break up because of it, we'd get through it. As I've said, I understand the logic completely, but it kinda feels like he'd be continuing to look for something he'd already found. He said to me before we were together that polyarmory was about not restricting yourself to one person, which I can understand, but we've been talking for a long time now about what it'll be like to live together, get married, have kids, spend our lives together etc etc etc, which seems in conflict to the polyarmorist stuff (i.e. devoting yourself to that one person, which is 100% his choice, not because I've tried to make him feel that he should spend his life with me). I'm actually very glad he feels that way, and it gives me some comfort in him being polyarmorist, because I know at the end of the day, I'm the one he really wants and will spend his life with, but if that's the case, what's the point in the other girlfriends?

I do intend on bringing it up again soon. I might even show him this thread, since I've covered alot of things I hadnt previously thought about before.

I'll try to answer this with a bit of my own experience...

Right now I have a boyfriend named Graverg (well...his screen name, but you get the idea). We are currently living together and have been for two and a half years. I love him, I am devoted to him, one day I would like to marry him or partake in a committment ceremony with him, I want to have kids with him, I want to grow old with him... I am committed to him.

At the same time I also love W and M (no screen name so they're just going to go with initials.) I would like to live with them, I do love them, I am devoted to making them happy, if our relationship progresses then I can see myself going into a committment ceremony with them and depending on how the relationship progresses I could see having kids with W (if M and Graverg are also fine with that ect... our set up isn't at the point yet to seriously consider kids between ANY of us so those talks haven't really started so I can't give you a clear answer yes/no on that). I could very easily see the four of us growing old together.

My love and committment to W and M do not detract from my love and committment to Graverg. As the relationship between W and M- and Me and Graverg is still in beginning stages and we're still talking about our feelings and how things would work it's not yet as strong as the relationship between me and Graverg... but it could very easily become just as strong and just as important to me. They already are the best of friends and we've been through some amazing and some horrible times together supporting and helping eachother. The love is there, the logistics are being sorted out.

So just because a polyamorous person wants to share the rest of their lives with one person... doesn't negate the possibility of them wanting to share the rest of their lives with other people as well.

[Ecksvie]

Mameoyashi

Ecksvie

I have enough faith in my boyfriend that I know it's nothing personal if he had another girlfriend, but I do sometimes get paranoid about the most stupid things sometimes. I dont know if it's that I'd feel inadequate, but it's kind of like "You've been wanting me for 6 years, I'm the love of your life and now you have me, what MORE do you want?"

I feel like relationships should lead somewhere, which ours is. He says that some girls dont want anything out of a relationship other than the here and now, but I cant really believe that. If you're in love with someone, then there isn't going to come a point when the girl says "okay, had enough now, it was fun while it lasted". What about the point when he'd have to say "Sorry, I'm getting married to my other girlfriend now"? I can understand the basic principles of polyarmory, but there are some practical issues that seem really weird to me.

I dont find it awkward to talk to my boyfriend about it since we'd been discussing it long before we were together, although obviously things have changed since we're an item now. It's a personal issue rather than a debate. I say what I feel to him about the subject, but there's a limit to that. I tell him how I'd feel if he had another girlfriend and say I'd deal with it if I had to, but what I'd really like to say deep down in my soul is that I really dont want it to happen. I've told him I'm living in the hope it never happens, but I've never said to him that he's the one with the power to make sure it doesn't. I dont know if I should. I know he cares about me and my feelings, but would I be right to tell him this? Kinda feels like I'd be manipulating him or something.

Yes you would be right to tell him your feelings. A healthy relationship requires open honesty and communication, expressing your feelings is not the same as manipulating him. You shouldn't have to suffer silently hoping that something you fear never happens, and he deserves to know the consequences of his actions (i.e. you being really hurt by him finding another girlfriend) and be able to act accordingly with as full of knowledge as he can manage to get.

As for other practical issues... not everyone who is polyamorous stays unmarried, or breaks up their V, triad, quad ect just to get married to one person. Often times the relationship continues to hold all members, even if two of the relationship get married. After all in a legal sense marriage in the end is just a set of rights and benefits(and yes can only be between two people as of right now), but the spiritual and emotional side of it, the ceremony of committment itself, can be between more, even if not legally recognised.
.

It's not so much a fear, just a conscious awareness that I'd really prefer it not to happen. I have told him this in the past, although I might not have stressed how much this is.

As for marriage, in fact it was today that I told him I have no desire to be married yet, although we have both expressed to each other on more occasions that I can count that we both want to be married one day. At this point, I would have to draw the line and say no more girlfriends. My view on marriage is that aside from the legal stuff, is that you've found "the one". If you get engaged to me, then you're mine now.

I read the website you linked to, although from what I can tell, it's not so much my boyfriend's nature to be polyarmorous. He's an extremely logical guy, I think his main reason is that he's thought it through and has come to the conclusion he shouldnt restrict himself to only one partner, just because it's the societal norm. However, could be wrong, we havent gone into it that much in depth.

He's told me that since he has me, it's unlikely he'll be seeking out new partners, but if one comes along then he might take that opportunity.

I think the last time we talked about it properly wasnt long after we got together, at which time I was willing to put up with whatever because we were both head over heels in love with each other. Not that we're not still now, but it feels strange for me to turn around six months in and tell him it's all changed now, that I in fact DO have issues with it and I'd like it to change somewhat.

[Pom Graines]

Kayu Ryukai

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. I'm kind of those undecided neutralists usually. Decisions and ideas are hard for me to really deal with. I just truly want to get through life happy and healthy with the person I love and then if possible die happy. There's just so much things we as humans deal with today. I don't see any religion, sexuality or any such preference wrong but I do know I'll never be able to comply with anything.

Well and that's fair. Just as I don't see anything wrong with monogamous relationships either, it's just not what is for me. I agree with whatever makes the person happy as long as they aren't hurting anyone in the process smile

Anyways, I really do hope that you can sort through these problems and differences and find a solution that can make you and your love happy and healthy through life.

Phew, my fingers are certainly getting a workout trying to keep up with the posts of everyone today ^^; I'm used to this thread being slow! appreciate all the discussion going on though. It's quite invigorating and hpe I'm helping at least a little bit.

[Kayu Ryukai]

Mameoyashi

Kayu Ryukai

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. I'm kind of those undecided neutralists usually. Decisions and ideas are hard for me to really deal with. I just truly want to get through life happy and healthy with the person I love and then if possible die happy. There's just so much things we as humans deal with today. I don't see any religion, sexuality or any such preference wrong but I do know I'll never be able to comply with anything.

Well and that's fair. Just as I don't see anything wrong with monogamous relationships either, it's just not what is for me. I agree with whatever makes the person happy as long as they aren't hurting anyone in the process smile

Anyways, I really do hope that you can sort through these problems and differences and find a solution that can make you and your love happy and healthy through life.

Phew, my fingers are certainly getting a workout trying to keep up with the posts of everyone today ^^; I'm used to this thread being slow! appreciate all the discussion going on though. It's quite invigorating and hpe I'm helping at least a little bit.

Yeah we're actually talking about it. He saw my posts here and brought it up and so we're discussing it. I feel a lot better now. And don't worry you are doing a marvelous job. ^-^

[Ecksvie]

Mameoyashi

Ecksvie

It's not that I'm completely uncomfortable with it, it would just feel REALLY weird for me. I love him so much, and I know him having another partner is in no way a sign that he loves me less. If it happened, I would do my best not to let it come between us, and we're so special to each other that I'd never let us break up because of it, we'd get through it. As I've said, I understand the logic completely, but it kinda feels like he'd be continuing to look for something he'd already found. He said to me before we were together that polyarmory was about not restricting yourself to one person, which I can understand, but we've been talking for a long time now about what it'll be like to live together, get married, have kids, spend our lives together etc etc etc, which seems in conflict to the polyarmorist stuff (i.e. devoting yourself to that one person, which is 100% his choice, not because I've tried to make him feel that he should spend his life with me). I'm actually very glad he feels that way, and it gives me some comfort in him being polyarmorist, because I know at the end of the day, I'm the one he really wants and will spend his life with, but if that's the case, what's the point in the other girlfriends?

I do intend on bringing it up again soon. I might even show him this thread, since I've covered alot of things I hadnt previously thought about before.

I'll try to answer this with a bit of my own experience...

Right now I have a boyfriend named Graverg (well...his screen name, but you get the idea). We are currently living together and have been for two and a half years. I love him, I am devoted to him, one day I would like to marry him or partake in a committment ceremony with him, I want to have kids with him, I want to grow old with him... I am committed to him.

At the same time I also love W and M (no screen name so they're just going to go with initials.) I would like to live with them, I do love them, I am devoted to making them happy, if our relationship progresses then I can see myself going into a committment ceremony with them and depending on how the relationship progresses I could see having kids with W (if M and Graverg are also fine with that ect... our set up isn't at the point yet to seriously consider kids between ANY of us so those talks haven't really started so I can't give you a clear answer yes/no on that). I could very easily see the four of us growing old together.

My love and committment to W and M do not detract from my love and committment to Graverg. As the relationship between W and M- and Me and Graverg is still in beginning stages and we're still talking about our feelings and how things would work it's not yet as strong as the relationship between me and Graverg... but it could very easily become just as strong and just as important to me. They already are the best of friends and we've been through some amazing and some horrible times together supporting and helping eachother. The love is there, the logistics are being sorted out.

So just because a polyamorous person wants to share the rest of their lives with one person... doesn't negate the possibility of them wanting to share the rest of their lives with other people as well.

See, this is the weird thing. As far as I can tell, my boyfriend wants to spend the rest of his life with me romantically and do the whole kids thing with nobody else involved (at least, he's never brought up the subject of where the polyarmorism is going to be in the future. I've always kind of assumed once we were married it would be an exclusive relationship, although maybe I should clarify this with him. Once we're married, other people being involved would be a major issue for me, whereas right now it's only a minor issue/annoyance). I think it's the "primary" thing. Because I'm the primary and most important, I assume that means he's not as serious about the others, almost a kind of "bit on the side". I think I'm almost alright as long as it is just a bit on the side. If he became as serious with someone else as he is with me, then it would become an issue for me, and I'd find it difficult to cope with that. I realise now that too many of my thoughts and feelings right now are based on assumptions I have made, and should make this known to him so I can clear it up.

[Pom Graines]

Ecksvie

Yes you would be right to tell him your feelings. A healthy relationship requires open honesty and communication, expressing your feelings is not the same as manipulating him. You shouldn't have to suffer silently hoping that something you fear never happens, and he deserves to know the consequences of his actions (i.e. you being really hurt by him finding another girlfriend) and be able to act accordingly with as full of knowledge as he can manage to get.

As for other practical issues... not everyone who is polyamorous stays unmarried, or breaks up their V, triad, quad ect just to get married to one person. Often times the relationship continues to hold all members, even if two of the relationship get married. After all in a legal sense marriage in the end is just a set of rights and benefits(and yes can only be between two people as of right now), but the spiritual and emotional side of it, the ceremony of committment itself, can be between more, even if not legally recognised.
.

It's not so much a fear, just a conscious awareness that I'd really prefer it not to happen. I have told him this in the past, although I might not have stressed how much this is.

As for marriage, in fact it was today that I told him I have no desire to be married yet, although we have both expressed to each other on more occasions that I can count that we both want to be married one day. At this point, I would have to draw the line and say no more girlfriends. My view on marriage is that aside from the legal stuff, is that you've found "the one". If you get engaged to me, then you're mine now.

I read the website you linked to, although from what I can tell, it's not so much my boyfriend's nature to be polyarmorous. He's an extremely logical guy, I think his main reason is that he's thought it through and has come to the conclusion he shouldnt restrict himself to only one partner, just because it's the societal norm. However, could be wrong, we havent gone into it that much in depth.

He's told me that since he has me, it's unlikely he'll be seeking out new partners, but if one comes along then he might take that opportunity.

I think the last time we talked about it properly wasnt long after we got together, at which time I was willing to put up with whatever because we were both head over heels in love with each other. Not that we're not still now, but it feels strange for me to turn around six months in and tell him it's all changed now, that I in fact DO have issues with it and I'd like it to change somewhat.
But it's okay to change your mind, or realise that something really isn't what you'd want it. I don't think it would be strange, especially if you're seriously considering spending your life with this person and are examining the hard issues more seriously because the dizziness of the new relationship energy is clearing a little. (Especially with your view on marriage. Our views differ on that one, but to each their own smile )

If the case is that your boyfriend has reasoned it out that he doesn't need to restrict himself just because of what society wants... then I find it all the more imparative to tell him about these feelings and the fact that you do have issues with it. Because while I agree you shouldn't restrict yourself because of what society at large says, I think that you should take into consideration how your partner feels about restricting yourself or not because this is a partnership, not a one-person show, you know? (And that goes for him taking into consideration how you feel, not just you taking into consideration how he feels). Either know that you can be happy in the monogamous relationship with them... or not. And if you cannot be happy monogamous and they can't be happy polyamorous there comes a time when you have to make the hard choice of possibly leaving, for the sake of eachother's happiness and that it's not fair for one person to sacrifice an essential part of themselves just to try to make a relationship work.

[Pom Graines]

Ecksvie

See, this is the weird thing. As far as I can tell, my boyfriend wants to spend the rest of his life with me romantically and do the whole kids thing with nobody else involved (at least, he's never brought up the subject of where the polyarmorism is going to be in the future. I've always kind of assumed once we were married it would be an exclusive relationship, although maybe I should clarify this with him. Once we're married, other people being involved would be a major issue for me, whereas right now it's only a minor issue/annoyance). I think it's the "primary" thing. Because I'm the primary and most important, I assume that means he's not as serious about the others, almost a kind of "bit on the side". I think I'm almost alright as long as it is just a bit on the side. If he became as serious with someone else as he is with me, then it would become an issue for me, and I'd find it difficult to cope with that. I realise now that too many of my thoughts and feelings right now are based on assumptions I have made, and should make this known to him so I can clear it up.

Hm, I think this makes it a bit more clear to me. If he is going into it just for "a bit on the side" and not getting serious than perhaps he's thinking more along the lines of a open/swinging relationship than a polyamorous one? Because as far as I am aware those with relationship heirarchies do value their secondary partners as more than just "a little on the side" it just has to do with priority [maintaining the current relationship above all else], where as open/swinging relationships are just about the bit on the side (often enough forming friendships, but not full romantic relationships as partners).

I think after all that we've talked about and shared that it would really be good for you two to talk more about this between the two of you. I'm not sure what more I'd be able to say at the moment.

(Haha, I think we've got a bit of a leap frogging posting thing going on right now XD)

[Ecksvie]

Mameoyashi

But it's okay to change your mind, or realise that something really isn't what you'd want it. I don't think it would be strange, especially if you're seriously considering spending your life with this person and are examining the hard issues more seriously because the dizziness of the new relationship energy is clearing a little. (Especially with your view on marriage. Our views differ on that one, but to each their own smile )

If the case is that your boyfriend has reasoned it out that he doesn't need to restrict himself just because of what society wants... then I find it all the more imparative to tell him about these feelings and the fact that you do have issues with it. Because while I agree you shouldn't restrict yourself because of what society at large says, I think that you should take into consideration how your partner feels about restricting yourself or not because this is a partnership, not a one-person show, you know? (And that goes for him taking into consideration how you feel, not just you taking into consideration how he feels). Either know that you can be happy in the monogamous relationship with them... or not. And if you cannot be happy monogamous and they can't be happy polyamorous there comes a time when you have to make the hard choice of possibly leaving, for the sake of eachother's happiness and that it's not fair for one person to sacrifice an essential part of themselves just to try to make a relationship work.

I will bring this up with my boyfriend. I think that since we've been getting more and more serious with each other, my feelings on this topic have grown, but we havent spoken about it in ages. I think I'll let him read through this thread tomorrow and clear up the assumptions I've made before it becomes a huge problem later on when it's too late to do anything about it. I dont feel like I want to put my foot down and say no more polyarmory since I knew he was polyarmorous before we got together and it would feel like me forcing him into something he doesnt want/doesnt believe in (plus I'm not even sure I truly believe in the no more polyarmory myself, but it's the only way I can be absolutely sure I'm not going to get hurt later on), but I will make my feelings known to him how much I'd really rather it didnt happen so he can take that into account and make an informed decision if he's considering starting a relationship with someone else.

You have been a great help to me, you've made me think about things which I hadnt previously thought about before. Sadly, it's rather late here in England now and I'm rather tired so I'm off to bed now, but I want to thank you for what you've said so far and I'm sure I'll be back tomorrow.

[Pom Graines]

Kayu Ryukai

Yeah we're actually talking about it. He saw my posts here and brought it up and so we're discussing it. I feel a lot better now. And don't worry you are doing a marvelous job. ^-^

Oh! Sorry I missed this...

I'm glad you two are dsicussing it more. Once again I do hope that it works out for the both of you and open communication is beneficial.

And thanks, I try my best but sometimes I'm nervous as to if I'm really helping or just muddling people up more. Your comment is very reassuring and I appreciate it. ^_^

[Pom Graines]

Ecksvie

I will bring this up with my boyfriend. I think that since we've been getting more and more serious with each other, my feelings on this topic have grown, but we havent spoken about it in ages. I think I'll let him read through this thread tomorrow and clear up the assumptions I've made before it becomes a huge problem later on when it's too late to do anything about it. I dont feel like I want to put my foot down and say no more polyarmory since I knew he was polyarmorous before we got together and it would feel like me forcing him into something he doesnt want/doesnt believe in (plus I'm not even sure I truly believe in the no more polyarmory myself, but it's the only way I can be absolutely sure I'm not going to get hurt later on), but I will make my feelings known to him how much I'd really rather it didnt happen so he can take that into account and make an informed decision if he's considering starting a relationship with someone else.

You have been a great help to me, you've made me think about things which I hadnt previously thought about before. Sadly, it's rather late here in England now and I'm rather tired so I'm off to bed now, but I want to thank you for what you've said so far and I'm sure I'll be back tomorrow.

I'm really glad to hear you're going to bring up the issues we've explored today and I hope that it can work out for you two in a way that won't be hurting either of you.

Well have a good sleep. I'll probably be around (or near to being around) anytime that you need to talk and discuss these things more.

[Kayu Ryukai]

Mameoyashi

Kayu Ryukai

Yeah we're actually talking about it. He saw my posts here and brought it up and so we're discussing it. I feel a lot better now. And don't worry you are doing a marvelous job. ^-^

Oh! Sorry I missed this...

I'm glad you two are dsicussing it more. Once again I do hope that it works out for the both of you and open communication is beneficial.

And thanks, I try my best but sometimes I'm nervous as to if I'm really helping or just muddling people up more. Your comment is very reassuring and I appreciate it. ^_^

Yea he apologized to me even if he didn't kind of have to...but I guess he saw the example to if I were to bring a guy into our relationship....I'll bring up the IM's...and show. We talked over that.

Him: I read what you wrote

Me: ... are...are you mad at me?

Him: honey i'm sorry. but why couldnt you talk to me about it? I mean I know its awkward.

Me: I don't know....its kind of hard for me to talk about these things

Him: and I didnt know you felt that way....I'm so sorry

Me: So you read all of it?

Him: yes

Me: oh. Idunno when I posted in there I was curious as to see what reaction I'd get and then I started talking to the girl and I opened up more because she felt the same way about it as I do.

Him: I see

Me: I find it hard to talk to anyone about what I'm feeling because I'm afriad it would come out wrong. Especially when we talk...I get too nervous to talk to you about these things...because I get too afraid that you might hate me for saying such things

Him: and honey if you want to date other guys at the same time as me then go right ahead......I mean I'll be a bit jealous and a bit paranoid but I'm willing to accept it

Me: No I don't want to date other guys. I used that as an example. All I really want is you. Nobody else...

Him: -hugs softly-

Me: I must be the most stressing girlfriend you've had...I mean with problems

Him: psh nope my first was worse ^^

Me: ah okay but well I know that my issues get very annoying which is why I tend to lose people...

Him: you doubt my capacity for annoyance dont you? I live with a 5 year old XD

Me: lol well she's five they're meant to be annoyingly hyper

Him: and a whining mother and sister
Me: ah true...

(Changed the screennames he wants his yahoo somewhat private)
Thats how it was. Small but he had limited time. He's kind of grounded.

[SinfulGuillotine]

Can it be? A new poly thread that I'm not banned from? Hurray!

[Pom Graines]

@Kayu Ryukai:Well I'm glad to see that you two are working things out! I find that the actual conversation is more often than not a lot better than what I fear it might be like, glad that was the case here too. It also clears up some of the red flags I was thinking of earlier, so that's also very good to see. I hope that you two continue to talk things out, even when it seems scarey to do so smile

@SinfulGuillotine: Of course you're welcome here. Always glad to have more around, as long as everyone's polite and civil and such smile

[SinfulGuillotine]

I don't think I was ever technically banned from the last thread. I just decided to boycott it. I don't even remember what happened. I think I said something that was misconstrued as being rude to the OP's girlfriend or something, and drama escelated as I tried to defend myself, and then a bunch of my friends jumped in and started defending me...whatever. It was stupid and ridiculous, as all internet drama tends to be.

Anyway. I'm in a poly triad, which is awesome because both my partners are beautiful, amazing people, and really sucks because one of them lives a ways away and we only get to see him maybe once a month, twice a month if we're lucky. Things get a little rough sometimes, but I think ultimately it's worth it. I never thought I'd ever be in a poly relationship, but now that I am, I have trouble imagining being happy again in a monogamous relationship.