Polyamory 102: A Support Thread for Consensual Non-Monogamy

New Poll for...awesomeness!

Yay! Awesomeness!	60.0%	[ 357 ]
Yeah...awesome... [/sarcasm]	15.8%	[ 94 ]
[insert your own thoughts here]	24.2%	[ 144 ]
Total Votes:			[ 595 ]

[Pom Graines]

@Inverted Hybrid Ah I see, that's very unfortunate when the cat gets let out of the bag when you're not prepared for it. That's a lot of the reason why I kept a lot of things to myself back in highschool... I lived in an incredibly small town and I knew anything I did would eventually wind it's way back to my mom and I really wasn't ready for her to know that stuff because she'd make my life a living hell for awhile. sad Something like polyamory is difficult to explain especially when you're just winging it and haven't connected with the community and such. I think it's helped me a lot to have talked about this with other people, it's allowed me to find the words I need to explain myself.

Sorry to hear that the relationship sort of faded away. It happens sometimes especially with the stressers of outside pressure on it (and when someone decides not to communicate anymore). Hopefully if you decide to find a next time it goes better for you.

@Kage: Ah good way to explain it too. Not that I find anything wrong with other kinds of consentual non-monogamy but clerification does help you are right smile

@Davoth: Aw... keep at it. I'm sure you'll find friends and partner(s) to stick by you. It's about keeping up communication and finding compatibility. You'll find it sometime, keep your chin up smile

[bleakdoughnut]

I've been aware of my poly nature for quite a few years. It's been frustrating at times, especially on top of being bi. My current SO originally considered himself to be monogamous but only because he never realized that poly people could really have relationships. His only thing is that he doesn't want other guys involved (which is fine with me, as the only other guy I would be interested in doesn't see me in the same light, and because I prefer women anyways :p), but it's interesting seeing him going through the same self-doubts I did years ago. Kinda adds some perspective.

[raven3gg]

Yeah, with me, I still live my mom. >_<. I'm out at school among my peers but my friends are pretty cool with it even though it's not for them and the other students know I'm a weirdo and leave me alone about it.

It's more of a V situation now, with the male in the middle. I was always closer to him anyway since he returned my feelings and knew him longer, I'm still friends with the other even though it wasn't reciprocated, she even bought me cake for my birthday but not as close as we used to be.


I still don't know what to do with my mom. I was planning to tell her when I was older and was ready, but too late for that. She doesn't like how I'm still friends with them...in fact, we don't even talk about things that much. >_>. Traditional Catholic with a androgynous polyamorous freethinking child, not really a good combination.

[Kayu Ryukai]

Well my boyfriend...I believe has a polyamory nature. I'm much more monogamous...we're both bisexual but anyways, I get jealous. So theres a problem as to why a polyamory relationship wouldn't work either way. He gets jealous and I get jealous too easily. So say if i were to involve another guy into our relationship...he'd most likely reject the idea of "sharing" me. I think sometimes he's a little selfish on his subject because when it comes to him involving another girl into our relationship...it kind of feel like he doesn't quite understand my feelings about it. If he and I were both attracted to the person as much as we're attracted to each other it might work out...but I always get that fear that the other person might take him...which is why I'm a monogamous person. I'm sorry if this didn't make any sense but if it did could someone please clarify my situation? Please just anything...

[Ecksvie]

My boyfriend is polyarmorous. It does bother me a little, but I knew he was poly before I got together with him, so if it was a huge issue I wouldnt have him as my boyfriend in the first place.

I live by worrying about things when they happen and not before, and in the six months we've been together, I've been his only girlfriend, although I'm aware of the possibility it could happen. However, due to circumstances I'm not going to explain (very very long story), my boyfriend considers me his most special girlfriend and we intend to spend our lives together. I told him about a dream I had once where he had another girlfriend, and he told me not to worry, since I would always be his "primary". I dont know, this just seems sort of hypocritical to me. Once you've found the love of your life, then what are other people going to offer you? I don't believe that polyarmourists shouldnt have favourite partners. If you're going to have more than one, they should be equal. This isn't at all me complaining about how important I am to my boyfriend, I'm just struggling to understand the logic here. I can just see him in a relationship with another girl at the same time as having me and just being "well this sucks!"

His polyarmourous nature does bother me a little, although I'll be more inclined to worry about it if he ever does get another girlfriend. Right now, it's at the back of my mind, and I'm just hoping that it never happens.

[Kayu Ryukai]

Ecksvie

My boyfriend is polyarmorous. It does bother me a little, but I knew he was poly before I got together with him, so if it was a huge issue I wouldnt have him as my boyfriend in the first place.

I live by worrying about things when they happen and not before, and in the six months we've been together, I've been his only girlfriend, although I'm aware of the possibility it could happen. However, due to circumstances I'm not going to explain (very very long story), my boyfriend considers me his most special girlfriend and we intend to spend our lives together. I told him about a dream I had once where he had another girlfriend, and he told me not to worry, since I would always be his "primary". I dont know, this just seems sort of hypocritical to me. Once you've found the love of your life, then what are other people going to offer you? I don't believe that polyarmourists shouldnt have favourite partners. If you're going to have more than one, they should be equal. This isn't at all me complaining about how important I am to my boyfriend, I'm just struggling to understand the logic here. I can just see him in a relationship with another girl at the same time as having me and just being "well this sucks!"

His polyarmourous nature does bother me a little, although I'll be more inclined to worry about it if he ever does get another girlfriend. Right now, it's at the back of my mind, and I'm just hoping that it never happens.

Yours sounds so similar to mine. I think the same way you do...Its kind of hard to be okay with it.

[Ecksvie]

Kayu Ryukai

Ecksvie

My boyfriend is polyarmorous. It does bother me a little, but I knew he was poly before I got together with him, so if it was a huge issue I wouldnt have him as my boyfriend in the first place.

I live by worrying about things when they happen and not before, and in the six months we've been together, I've been his only girlfriend, although I'm aware of the possibility it could happen. However, due to circumstances I'm not going to explain (very very long story), my boyfriend considers me his most special girlfriend and we intend to spend our lives together. I told him about a dream I had once where he had another girlfriend, and he told me not to worry, since I would always be his "primary". I dont know, this just seems sort of hypocritical to me. Once you've found the love of your life, then what are other people going to offer you? I don't believe that polyarmourists shouldnt have favourite partners. If you're going to have more than one, they should be equal. This isn't at all me complaining about how important I am to my boyfriend, I'm just struggling to understand the logic here. I can just see him in a relationship with another girl at the same time as having me and just being "well this sucks!"

His polyarmourous nature does bother me a little, although I'll be more inclined to worry about it if he ever does get another girlfriend. Right now, it's at the back of my mind, and I'm just hoping that it never happens.

Yours sounds so similar to mine. I think the same way you do...Its kind of hard to be okay with it.

I know. I've come to accept it, but this is at a moment in time where he's yet to have another girlfriend on the go as the same time as me. I dont think I'd be jealous in the sense that he should be all mine, it's kind of hard to explain. If I'm that special to him, and I have no doubt that I am, then why does he still feel the need to have other girlfriends? I'm fine with it when you're having multiple partners to share the love around and trying to find the right person for you, but once you've found the right person why continue?

We have discussed it, and he does seem concerned that I'd find it upsetting and wouldnt tell him my feelings. It's hard to know exactly how I'd feel until it happened. I have said though that if it does happen, then I want to know right away. We havent really discussed what would happen after that though. I kind of like to think that if it upset me that much, I mean enough to him that he'd stop if I asked, but without asking him I dont know.

I think anyone with someone in a polyarmourous relationship should know this from the beginning. My boyfriend doesn't define having another partner as cheating because cheating is against the rules. As long as you define those rules from the start, then it's not cheating.

Still, one plus. Before we got together I didnt have to do the homework of finding out whether or not he already had a girlfriend lol, although I kind of imagine that if he had been monogamous, he'd have dumped whoever he was with to get me. I hope this is true, because I'm going to look stupid and big headed if he ever finds this thread and turns out to be wrong lol. Just that he was chasing me for so long, he couldnt pass up the opportunity.

[Kayu Ryukai]

Ecksvie

Kayu Ryukai

Ecksvie

My boyfriend is polyarmorous. It does bother me a little, but I knew he was poly before I got together with him, so if it was a huge issue I wouldnt have him as my boyfriend in the first place.

I live by worrying about things when they happen and not before, and in the six months we've been together, I've been his only girlfriend, although I'm aware of the possibility it could happen. However, due to circumstances I'm not going to explain (very very long story), my boyfriend considers me his most special girlfriend and we intend to spend our lives together. I told him about a dream I had once where he had another girlfriend, and he told me not to worry, since I would always be his "primary". I dont know, this just seems sort of hypocritical to me. Once you've found the love of your life, then what are other people going to offer you? I don't believe that polyarmourists shouldnt have favourite partners. If you're going to have more than one, they should be equal. This isn't at all me complaining about how important I am to my boyfriend, I'm just struggling to understand the logic here. I can just see him in a relationship with another girl at the same time as having me and just being "well this sucks!"

His polyarmourous nature does bother me a little, although I'll be more inclined to worry about it if he ever does get another girlfriend. Right now, it's at the back of my mind, and I'm just hoping that it never happens.

Yours sounds so similar to mine. I think the same way you do...Its kind of hard to be okay with it.

I know. I've come to accept it, but this is at a moment in time where he's yet to have another girlfriend on the go as the same time as me. I dont think I'd be jealous in the sense that he should be all mine, it's kind of hard to explain. If I'm that special to him, and I have no doubt that I am, then why does he still feel the need to have other girlfriends? I'm fine with it when you're having multiple partners to share the love around and trying to find the right person for you, but once you've found the right person why continue?

We have discussed it, and he does seem concerned that I'd find it upsetting and wouldnt tell him my feelings. It's hard to know exactly how I'd feel until it happened. I have said though that if it does happen, then I want to know right away. We havent really discussed what would happen after that though. I kind of like to think that if it upset me that much, I mean enough to him that he'd stop if I asked, but without asking him I dont know.

I think anyone with someone in a polyarmourous relationship should know this from the beginning. My boyfriend doesn't define having another partner as cheating because cheating is against the rules. As long as you define those rules from the start, then it's not cheating.

Still, one plus. Before we got together I didnt have to do the homework of finding out whether or not he already had a girlfriend lol, although I kind of imagine that if he had been monogamous, he'd have dumped whoever he was with to get me. I hope this is true, because I'm going to look stupid and big headed if he ever finds this thread and turns out to be wrong lol.

I accept it as well in some terms. I agree as to why they'd continue to search if you have indeed found the right person as well.

I talked to mine too recently. Actually I was curious and searched for "Relationship with more than one person" on Google up came polyamory and wikipedia.org explained it as well as other things. So I sent him the article and he was surprised because he was talking to the girl that was to be involved...I guess. It would be kind of messed up for me to tell him that I want him to not think or be that way. As much as it bothers me in a sense.

Mine thinks that way as well. Yet he always sticks to the "You can love more than one person" idea.

Also I am just as worried when he finds what I'm saying as well.

[Ecksvie]

Kayu Ryukai

Ecksvie

Kayu Ryukai

Ecksvie

My boyfriend is polyarmorous. It does bother me a little, but I knew he was poly before I got together with him, so if it was a huge issue I wouldnt have him as my boyfriend in the first place.

I live by worrying about things when they happen and not before, and in the six months we've been together, I've been his only girlfriend, although I'm aware of the possibility it could happen. However, due to circumstances I'm not going to explain (very very long story), my boyfriend considers me his most special girlfriend and we intend to spend our lives together. I told him about a dream I had once where he had another girlfriend, and he told me not to worry, since I would always be his "primary". I dont know, this just seems sort of hypocritical to me. Once you've found the love of your life, then what are other people going to offer you? I don't believe that polyarmourists shouldnt have favourite partners. If you're going to have more than one, they should be equal. This isn't at all me complaining about how important I am to my boyfriend, I'm just struggling to understand the logic here. I can just see him in a relationship with another girl at the same time as having me and just being "well this sucks!"

His polyarmourous nature does bother me a little, although I'll be more inclined to worry about it if he ever does get another girlfriend. Right now, it's at the back of my mind, and I'm just hoping that it never happens.

Yours sounds so similar to mine. I think the same way you do...Its kind of hard to be okay with it.

I know. I've come to accept it, but this is at a moment in time where he's yet to have another girlfriend on the go as the same time as me. I dont think I'd be jealous in the sense that he should be all mine, it's kind of hard to explain. If I'm that special to him, and I have no doubt that I am, then why does he still feel the need to have other girlfriends? I'm fine with it when you're having multiple partners to share the love around and trying to find the right person for you, but once you've found the right person why continue?

We have discussed it, and he does seem concerned that I'd find it upsetting and wouldnt tell him my feelings. It's hard to know exactly how I'd feel until it happened. I have said though that if it does happen, then I want to know right away. We havent really discussed what would happen after that though. I kind of like to think that if it upset me that much, I mean enough to him that he'd stop if I asked, but without asking him I dont know.

I think anyone with someone in a polyarmourous relationship should know this from the beginning. My boyfriend doesn't define having another partner as cheating because cheating is against the rules. As long as you define those rules from the start, then it's not cheating.

Still, one plus. Before we got together I didnt have to do the homework of finding out whether or not he already had a girlfriend lol, although I kind of imagine that if he had been monogamous, he'd have dumped whoever he was with to get me. I hope this is true, because I'm going to look stupid and big headed if he ever finds this thread and turns out to be wrong lol.

I accept it as well in some terms. I agree as to why they'd continue to search if you have indeed found the right person as well.

I talked to mine too recently. Actually I was curious and searched for "Relationship with more than one person" on Google up came polyamory and wikipedia.org explained it as well as other things. So I sent him the article and he was surprised because he was talking to the girl that was to be involved...I guess. It would be kind of messed up for me to tell him that I want him to not think or be that way. As much as it bothers me in a sense.

Mine thinks that way as well. Yet he always sticks to the "You can love more than one person" idea.

Also I am just as worried when he finds what I'm saying as well.

Yup, I think that's the thing that gets to me the most, still looking for something after you've found it. I'd be wondering what the other girl was offering him that his "primary" couldnt - is she a better kisser? Is it that she's better looking than me? Why do you feel the need to have her? My boyfriend used to believe and tell me that marriage was pointless, but he'd do it and settle down just because it's me. He's willing to devote his life to me, and we plan to do so, but at the same time, he's still poly.

I know how you feel. I dont want to tell my boyfriend "No, seriously, don't be polyarmorous any more" because as much as I think it'd upset and annoy me as it happened, I knew what I was getting into when I started going out with him. I dont know how he'd take it if I said such a thing either. I like to think my wishes would be respected or at least taken into account, but at the same time, I'd be trying to change his beliefs and a part of who he is.

I can understand the logic behind polyarmory, but my feelings conflict with the logic.

I dont worry so much about him finding out what I'm saying, we're pretty open and honest with each other, I just dont want to sound big headed, and there are some feelings I find myself writing here that I havent told him yet because it hasnt come up, or that I just havent thought about until now. In fact, might be worth talking to him about polyarmory again sometime. I dont think we've spoken about it since we've been as serious as we are now.

[Kayu Ryukai]

Ecksvie

Kayu Ryukai

Ecksvie

Kayu Ryukai

Ecksvie

My boyfriend is polyarmorous. It does bother me a little, but I knew he was poly before I got together with him, so if it was a huge issue I wouldnt have him as my boyfriend in the first place.

I live by worrying about things when they happen and not before, and in the six months we've been together, I've been his only girlfriend, although I'm aware of the possibility it could happen. However, due to circumstances I'm not going to explain (very very long story), my boyfriend considers me his most special girlfriend and we intend to spend our lives together. I told him about a dream I had once where he had another girlfriend, and he told me not to worry, since I would always be his "primary". I dont know, this just seems sort of hypocritical to me. Once you've found the love of your life, then what are other people going to offer you? I don't believe that polyarmourists shouldnt have favourite partners. If you're going to have more than one, they should be equal. This isn't at all me complaining about how important I am to my boyfriend, I'm just struggling to understand the logic here. I can just see him in a relationship with another girl at the same time as having me and just being "well this sucks!"

His polyarmourous nature does bother me a little, although I'll be more inclined to worry about it if he ever does get another girlfriend. Right now, it's at the back of my mind, and I'm just hoping that it never happens.

Yours sounds so similar to mine. I think the same way you do...Its kind of hard to be okay with it.

I know. I've come to accept it, but this is at a moment in time where he's yet to have another girlfriend on the go as the same time as me. I dont think I'd be jealous in the sense that he should be all mine, it's kind of hard to explain. If I'm that special to him, and I have no doubt that I am, then why does he still feel the need to have other girlfriends? I'm fine with it when you're having multiple partners to share the love around and trying to find the right person for you, but once you've found the right person why continue?

We have discussed it, and he does seem concerned that I'd find it upsetting and wouldnt tell him my feelings. It's hard to know exactly how I'd feel until it happened. I have said though that if it does happen, then I want to know right away. We havent really discussed what would happen after that though. I kind of like to think that if it upset me that much, I mean enough to him that he'd stop if I asked, but without asking him I dont know.

I think anyone with someone in a polyarmourous relationship should know this from the beginning. My boyfriend doesn't define having another partner as cheating because cheating is against the rules. As long as you define those rules from the start, then it's not cheating.

Still, one plus. Before we got together I didnt have to do the homework of finding out whether or not he already had a girlfriend lol, although I kind of imagine that if he had been monogamous, he'd have dumped whoever he was with to get me. I hope this is true, because I'm going to look stupid and big headed if he ever finds this thread and turns out to be wrong lol.

I accept it as well in some terms. I agree as to why they'd continue to search if you have indeed found the right person as well.

I talked to mine too recently. Actually I was curious and searched for "Relationship with more than one person" on Google up came polyamory and wikipedia.org explained it as well as other things. So I sent him the article and he was surprised because he was talking to the girl that was to be involved...I guess. It would be kind of messed up for me to tell him that I want him to not think or be that way. As much as it bothers me in a sense.

Mine thinks that way as well. Yet he always sticks to the "You can love more than one person" idea.

Also I am just as worried when he finds what I'm saying as well.

Yup, I think that's the thing that gets to me the most, still looking for something after you've found it. I'd be wondering what the other girl was offering him that his "primary" couldnt - is she a better kisser? Is it that she's better looking than me? Why do you feel the need to have her? My boyfriend used to believe and tell me that marriage was pointless, but he'd do it and settle down just because it's me. He's willing to devote his life to me, and we plan to do so, but at the same time, he's still poly.

I know how you feel. I dont want to tell my boyfriend "No, seriously, don't be polyarmorous any more" because as much as I think it'd upset and annoy me as it happened, I knew what I was getting into when I started going out with him. I dont know how he'd take it if I said such a thing either. I like to think my wishes would be respected or at least taken into account, but at the same time, I'd be trying to change his beliefs and a part of who he is.

I can understand the logic behind polyarmory, but my feelings conflict with the logic.

I dont worry so much about him finding out what I'm saying, we're pretty open and honest with each other, I just dont want to sound big headed, and there are some feelings I find myself writing here that I havent told him yet because it hasnt come up, or that I just havent thought about until now. In fact, might be worth talking to him about polyarmory again sometime. I dont think we've spoken about it since we've been as serious as we are now.

I think why does he need someone else too. I keep thinking "Am I ugly?" or somewhere along those lines. It makes me kind of feel like I'm not good enough, yet he says I am.

I love him with all of my heart and I too would like to be respected in the same way, but like you said I'd feel bad for trying to change what he believes and who he is. Thats the main thing that i think about. I think about this exactly too much that I don't consider myself mostly. Its like as long as he's happy I am.

I worry about what I say because I too have not discussed fully the issue. When I did bring it up last time things became awkward and we just strayed onto another subject after sort of an argument. I think its a good idea to discuss it once in a while because it does get some things out and clear. In all honesty I want him to tell me the truth and love me as I do to him. I'm not so good with relationships, but I have faith in this one. Yet sometimes I'm not sure if faith is enough.

[Pom Graines]

@Inverted Hybrid: Oh I completely understand that. I also grew up in a Catholic household and my mother does have problems with all of my life choices (Pagan, polyamorous, bisexual....probably not how she invisioned her youngest daughter turning out). Just try to keep up the friendly communication with your mom, even if she's not ready to accept your choices and your relationship just try to keep up repore with her. If you feel the need once you're able to find better words than you had before, talk to her about it again. Perhaps give her links to guides and resources that could explain it more clearly to try to help her understand.

@Bleakdoughnut: It really does put things in perspective seeing someone elsei nthe shoes you were in before. It's a little disorienting to me still when I find myself in one of those situations, because I generally want to help the person avoid any and all pitfalls I had at that time, though I know that I can't do that exactly and sometimes people need to trip to learn how to balance, you know? Ah... but I'm rambling again I think. Good luck in the future with your relationship smile

@Kayu Ryukai: To be that sounds a little lop-sided, he'd be fine with having more partners but would refuse to accept you having more partners? That sends up a red flag in my head and I'd be careful in that situation. I think you two probably both need to talk about this subject a little bit more. The way you seem a little unsure of everything in your post (I believe he has a polyamorous nature, I don't think he understands my feelings). You need to get your feelings out in the open, and find things out for sure. If you're not happy with the situation and you don't agree with being in a polyamorous relationship then it stops being consentual. You really have to have a long talk with your boyfriend and hammer out some clear solid boundries between the two of you.

@Ecksvie: Well... I have to say that there are a few things that really concern me about your posts. I understand the mentality of dealing with things as they come, but in this situation where you're just plain hoping that he never finds someone else worries me. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of a polyamorous relationship, then you really should say so and work from there, perhaps redefine your relationship boundries. It's imparative that you make your fears and concerns known before he does indeed find someone else. I know you're not 100% sure on how you'd react until something happens, but you're already shakey with the concept and fearful that it doesn't happen and that should be known before you two continue. [And I am happy that since writing some of this you've acknolwedged you should talk to him again smile ]

@ Kayu Ryukai and Ecksvie: As for your concern of finding "the right person" and not understanding why someone would need more than that... well... The answer is different for everyone. If you want to know your boyfriend's reason, you should ask him directly about his philosophy on the matter.

As for me... I don't agree that there is one person who is right for me and I don't agree that one person can be my everything. Everyone is different, and as such, every relationship is different, so what you may gain from one you may not gain from another. And I always have felt the capability and desire to love more than one person at a time. It's not about one person not being enough... but it's somewhat hard to explain.Xeromag's Polyamory for the Monogamous (Especialyl the "But why? I don't get it. Why am I not enough?" section) may help give more (or another) perspective on the matter[It actually touches on exactly what you said Ecksvie "Still looking for something after you found it"]. In fact I would recomend all of that article to you because it gives very good perspective on mono/poly relationships, how to make it work and when to know to walk away because the differences are too great.

I personally don't think it's fair or healthy to force anyone who doesn't want a polyamorous relationship into one, on the other side of the same coin I don't think it's fair or healthy to force someone who doesn't want it into a monogamous relationship either. In the end either way is damaging to the individuals involved.

[Kayu Ryukai]

Mameoyashi

@Inverted Hybrid: Oh I completely understand that. I also grew up in a Catholic household and my mother does have problems with all of my life choices (Pagan, polyamorous, bisexual....probably not how she invisioned her youngest daughter turning out). Just try to keep up the friendly communication with your mom, even if she's not ready to accept your choices and your relationship just try to keep up repore with her. If you feel the need once you're able to find better words than you had before, talk to her about it again. Perhaps give her links to guides and resources that could explain it more clearly to try to help her understand.

@Bleakdoughnut: It really does put things in perspective seeing someone elsei nthe shoes you were in before. It's a little disorienting to me still when I find myself in one of those situations, because I generally want to help the person avoid any and all pitfalls I had at that time, though I know that I can't do that exactly and sometimes people need to trip to learn how to balance, you know? Ah... but I'm rambling again I think. Good luck in the future with your relationship smile

@Kayu Ryukai: To be that sounds a little lop-sided, he'd be fine with having more partners but would refuse to accept you having more partners? That sends up a red flag in my head and I'd be careful in that situation. I think you two probably both need to talk about this subject a little bit more. The way you seem a little unsure of everything in your post (I believe he has a polyamorous nature, I don't think he understands my feelings). You need to get your feelings out in the open, and find things out for sure. If you're not happy with the situation and you don't agree with being in a polyamorous relationship then it stops being consentual. You really have to have a long talk with your boyfriend and hammer out some clear solid boundries between the two of you.

@Ecksvie: Well... I have to say that there are a few things that really concern me about your posts. I understand the mentality of dealing with things as they come, but in this situation where you're just plain hoping that he never finds someone else worries me. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of a polyamorous relationship, then you really should say so and work from there, perhaps redefine your relationship boundries. It's imparative that you make your fears and concerns known before he does indeed find someone else. I know you're not 100% sure on how you'd react until something happens, but you're already shakey with the concept and fearful that it doesn't happen and that should be known before you two continue. [And I am happy that since writing some of this you've acknolwedged you should talk to him again smile ]

@ Kayu Ryukai and Ecksvie: As for your concern of finding "the right person" and not understanding why someone would need more than that... well... The answer is different for everyone. If you want to know your boyfriend's reason, you should ask him directly about his philosophy on the matter.

As for me... I don't agree that there is one person who is right for me and I don't agree that one person can be my everything. Everyone is different, and as such, every relationship is different, so what you may gain from one you may not gain from another. And I always have felt the capability and desire to love more than one person at a time. It's not about one person not being enough... but it's somewhat hard to explain.Xeromag's Polyamory for the Monogamous (Especialyl the "But why? I don't get it. Why am I not enough?" section) may help give more (or another) perspective on the matter[It actually touches on exactly what you said Ecksvie "Still looking for something after you found it"]. In fact I would recomend all of that article to you because it gives very good perspective on mono/poly relationships, how to make it work and when to know to walk away because the differences are too great.

I personally don't think it's fair or healthy to force anyone who doesn't want a polyamorous relationship into one, on the other side of the same coin I don't think it's fair or healthy to force someone who doesn't want it into a monogamous relationship either. In the end either way is damaging to the individuals involved.

I'll take your advice into consideration. Thank you. My mind is small so forgive me for my minimal understanding. I will definitely talk to him about it.

[Ecksvie]

Kayu Ryukai

I think why does he need someone else too. I keep thinking "Am I ugly?" or somewhere along those lines. It makes me kind of feel like I'm not good enough, yet he says I am.

I love him with all of my heart and I too would like to be respected in the same way, but like you said I'd feel bad for trying to change what he believes and who he is. Thats the main thing that i think about. I think about this exactly too much that I don't consider myself mostly. Its like as long as he's happy I am.

I worry about what I say because I too have not discussed fully the issue. When I did bring it up last time things became awkward and we just strayed onto another subject after sort of an argument. I think its a good idea to discuss it once in a while because it does get some things out and clear. In all honesty I want him to tell me the truth and love me as I do to him. I'm not so good with relationships, but I have faith in this one. Yet sometimes I'm not sure if faith is enough.

I have enough faith in my boyfriend that I know it's nothing personal if he had another girlfriend, but I do sometimes get paranoid about the most stupid things sometimes. I dont know if it's that I'd feel inadequate, but it's kind of like "You've been wanting me for 6 years, I'm the love of your life and now you have me, what MORE do you want?"

I feel like relationships should lead somewhere, which ours is. He says that some girls dont want anything out of a relationship other than the here and now, but I cant really believe that. If you're in love with someone, then there isn't going to come a point when the girl says "okay, had enough now, it was fun while it lasted". What about the point when he'd have to say "Sorry, I'm getting married to my other girlfriend now"? I can understand the basic principles of polyarmory, but there are some practical issues that seem really weird to me.

I dont find it awkward to talk to my boyfriend about it since we'd been discussing it long before we were together, although obviously things have changed since we're an item now. It's a personal issue rather than a debate. I say what I feel to him about the subject, but there's a limit to that. I tell him how I'd feel if he had another girlfriend and say I'd deal with it if I had to, but what I'd really like to say deep down in my soul is that I really dont want it to happen. I've told him I'm living in the hope it never happens, but I've never said to him that he's the one with the power to make sure it doesn't. I dont know if I should. I know he cares about me and my feelings, but would I be right to tell him this? Kinda feels like I'd be manipulating him or something.

[Ecksvie]

Quote:

@Ecksvie: Well... I have to say that there are a few things that really concern me about your posts. I understand the mentality of dealing with things as they come, but in this situation where you're just plain hoping that he never finds someone else worries me. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of a polyamorous relationship, then you really should say so and work from there, perhaps redefine your relationship boundries. It's imparative that you make your fears and concerns known before he does indeed find someone else. I know you're not 100% sure on how you'd react until something happens, but you're already shakey with the concept and fearful that it doesn't happen and that should be known before you two continue. [And I am happy that since writing some of this you've acknolwedged you should talk to him again smile ]

It's not that I'm completely uncomfortable with it, it would just feel REALLY weird for me. I love him so much, and I know him having another partner is in no way a sign that he loves me less. If it happened, I would do my best not to let it come between us, and we're so special to each other that I'd never let us break up because of it, we'd get through it. As I've said, I understand the logic completely, but it kinda feels like he'd be continuing to look for something he'd already found. He said to me before we were together that polyarmory was about not restricting yourself to one person, which I can understand, but we've been talking for a long time now about what it'll be like to live together, get married, have kids, spend our lives together etc etc etc, which seems in conflict to the polyarmorist stuff (i.e. devoting yourself to that one person, which is 100% his choice, not because I've tried to make him feel that he should spend his life with me). I'm actually very glad he feels that way, and it gives me some comfort in him being polyarmorist, because I know at the end of the day, I'm the one he really wants and will spend his life with, but if that's the case, what's the point in the other girlfriends?

I do intend on bringing it up again soon. I might even show him this thread, since I've covered alot of things I hadnt previously thought about before.

[Pom Graines]

Ecksvie

I have enough faith in my boyfriend that I know it's nothing personal if he had another girlfriend, but I do sometimes get paranoid about the most stupid things sometimes. I dont know if it's that I'd feel inadequate, but it's kind of like "You've been wanting me for 6 years, I'm the love of your life and now you have me, what MORE do you want?"

I feel like relationships should lead somewhere, which ours is. He says that some girls dont want anything out of a relationship other than the here and now, but I cant really believe that. If you're in love with someone, then there isn't going to come a point when the girl says "okay, had enough now, it was fun while it lasted". What about the point when he'd have to say "Sorry, I'm getting married to my other girlfriend now"? I can understand the basic principles of polyarmory, but there are some practical issues that seem really weird to me.

I dont find it awkward to talk to my boyfriend about it since we'd been discussing it long before we were together, although obviously things have changed since we're an item now. It's a personal issue rather than a debate. I say what I feel to him about the subject, but there's a limit to that. I tell him how I'd feel if he had another girlfriend and say I'd deal with it if I had to, but what I'd really like to say deep down in my soul is that I really dont want it to happen. I've told him I'm living in the hope it never happens, but I've never said to him that he's the one with the power to make sure it doesn't. I dont know if I should. I know he cares about me and my feelings, but would I be right to tell him this? Kinda feels like I'd be manipulating him or something.

Yes you would be right to tell him your feelings. A healthy relationship requires open honesty and communication, expressing your feelings is not the same as manipulating him. You shouldn't have to suffer silently hoping that something you fear never happens, and he deserves to know the consequences of his actions (i.e. you being really hurt by him finding another girlfriend) and be able to act accordingly with as full of knowledge as he can manage to get.

As for other practical issues... not everyone who is polyamorous stays unmarried, or breaks up their V, triad, quad ect just to get married to one person. Often times the relationship continues to hold all members, even if two of the relationship get married. After all in a legal sense marriage in the end is just a set of rights and benefits(and yes can only be between two people as of right now), but the spiritual and emotional side of it, the ceremony of committment itself, can be between more, even if not legally recognised.

@Kayu: I don't think you're small minded, you sound like a very capable and intelligent person. It's okay to be confused sometimes especially with concepts that challenge believes and perceptions you've had since you were young and that society at large understands, holds and encourages. It's tough to understand something that goes against that grain, I can understand that as I've struggled through that myself.