Polyamory 102: A Support Thread for Consensual Non-Monogamy

New Poll for...awesomeness!

Yay! Awesomeness!	60.0%	[ 357 ]
Yeah...awesome... [/sarcasm]	15.8%	[ 94 ]
[insert your own thoughts here]	24.2%	[ 144 ]
Total Votes:			[ 595 ]

[Pom Graines]

Ecksvie

I'm somewhat against the definition that it's a romantic relationship that involves more than two people. While a person can have romatic relationships with more than two people at the same time, it wont necessarily always be that these people are all involved in the same relationship. For example, my boyfriend is poly, he may have another girlfriend, but this does not mean I'm involved in that relationship. Rather, he has multiple relationships. While there are relationships which involve more than two people, this isn't always the case. It's more that people have multiple relationships rather than a relationship which involves more than two people.

Yes but in that case he is involved with both people an you are concenting to him having such a relationship. Everyone doesn't have to be romantically involved with everyone else, but the relationship itself does involve more than two people.

While you don't have to be romantically involved with your boyfriend's (hypothetical) other girlfriend, that doesn't mean you are not involved in that relationship at all- because everything you do as the girlfriend of your boyfriend can affect his and the other girlfriend's relationship. You are a part of the process of making boundries, you are a part of the communication, the working out of logistics and time scheduling.... so while you're not directly romantically ingaged in the relationship between him and his girlfriend you are involved with it in some way.

However you may prefer this definition instead: "Polyamory is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved." Which I think is closer to what you're saying directly.

To be fair some people contest that polyamory even involved just romantic relationships, some people use polyamory as a broad term to include swinging and such as well but I prefer to keep them seperate in my mind. So not everyone's definition will be 100% the same as another (except perhaps going with the root word 'many loves'), and disagreements happen sometimes.

[Pom Graines]

weats

heart heart heart Thank you so much for making this thread. heart heart heart

I'm in my first open relationship, after reading 'the ethical slut' and finding a guy brave enough to try it. I've been trying to find a good forum for it so I can talk to people who could understand and possibly give me a little guidance without ridiculing me for my open mindedness or my open heart.

I just don't think it's fair I can't love somebody just because I'm with somebody else, nor can I grasp the concept of being owned by ANYONE but myself.

I went to the forum on lovemore but once I made the profile I couldn't do anything unless I paid (pretty lame of them). gonk

So I left and came looking on the free (!) forum I never knew I had all along.

heart heart heart heart

If you're looking for a more immersive poly enviroment there is also Polyamorous Percolations which is entirely free and has a great forum community.

Of course feel free to hang out here with us in the thread biggrin

(Also I didn't realise that lovemore did require you to pay before participating in their forum and things, that is quite lame sad )

[Maarilat]

Love is many things to many people. I think that pretty much covers the ambiguity in the "amorous" part of Polyamorous... as hard as anyone may try to categorize love, it's always going to be up to the individual.

That brings up the other question about that. How much a role does the recipient of emotions which go beyond infatuation play a role in whether or not that connection is classifiable as love or not? I think some of you will already know MY opinion on that, but some people seem to think that the recipient's role is more significant than others do.

[Pom Graines]

I think that love can be felt even if it is unrequited. I think that it may not achieve it's full potential if it isn't nourished and encouraged by the recipient, but I don't think that if someone doesn't love you it automatically means that you don't love them. However those who are dealing with unrequited love do have to be somehwat careful not to fall into obession.

That's how I see it though. You're right it's a really tricky thing to attempt to categorize. What I consider love may be miles form what you do, or what the person on the street thinks.

[Vamprey_kitty]

I've heard of polyamory before, but I've never really thought too much about it before even though I've always been supportive of it. It sounds really interesting and I wouldn't be opposed to trying it...I haven't been in a relationship besides an internet one, however, so I'm not exactly sure how well I'll be able to deal with it. @_@

[Midnite Blue Moon 888]

I suppose if all involved can handle it, then it's fine, but I would get -way- too jealous if I had to share my husband with anyone else. Likewise, I think he'd get terribly jealous if another person entered our relationship on my side.

I think we're a lot happier just being with each other. Besides, including another person also means including all of that person's personal baggage, and I don't think either of us have the energy for something like that.

[Pom Graines]

@Vamprey_Kitty: Well I'm glad to see someone else supportive of it. I think all you neeed to do is be open to the possibilities and see what comes. Remember to be always open and honest not only with your partner but also yourself. TO work through any problems you may have.

@Lady Tam Li Hua: As long as you are happy then that's great smile I wholeheartedly believe that jealousy is something that can be worked through with enough self awareness, time and desire to work it out. However overcoming jealousy can be something used to enhance any sort of relationship, not just those with multiple partners and lovers.

About having to deal with more personal baggage, lol, yeah that does happen from time to time... but if I love that person I find it worth it to help them get over their fears, hurts and insecurities and work together towards a better future. But that's just me.

[Vamprey_kitty]

razz
I'll just be lurking then.

[SinfulGuillotine]

Ecksvie

Mameoyashi

Metroid Dread

Wait, so polyamory is a massive orgy of love, commitment, and deep feelings for one another by creating connections and relationships with multiple people?

Sort of. It's a consentual romantic relationship that involves more than two people. The configuration of which could be widely varied.

I'm somewhat against the definition that it's a romantic relationship that involves more than two people. While a person can have romatic relationships with more than two people at the same time, it wont necessarily always be that these people are all involved in the same relationship. For example, my boyfriend is poly, he may have another girlfriend, but this does not mean I'm involved in that relationship. Rather, he has multiple relationships. While there are relationships which involve more than two people, this isn't always the case. It's more that people have multiple relationships rather than a relationship which involves more than two people.

Well, in my case, my poly relationship is a relationship that involves more than two people. I don't have multiple relationships. I have one relationship with two people, and both my partners also have one relationship with two people. So your definition isn't really a good blanket term, either.

That being said, I'm not sure what is a good blanket definition.

[Pom Graines]

Given what Ecksvie, Sinful and I have been saying I don't think there is one solid definition that could describe everyone's view on polyamory at once. It's difficult though since the term hasn't existed very long and there is still debate on the subject of what is included in polyamory and what isn't.

I guess only time will tell if there will be one set and accepted definition that stands the test of time, and/or if other more specific terms and definitions will pop up for the various types and styles of what is today considered to be polyamory. (Such as polyfidelity being a closed polyamorous relationship). Or if it will remain only loosely defined as it is today, so that limits and restrictions are not placed on love and loving styles. *shrugs*

@Vamprey_kitty: Feel free smile Jump in when it suits you as well!

[narcissistic cupcake]

Have you always known you were polyamorous? Have you always felt restricted by monogamous relationships, or was polyamory something you became open to due more to circumstance? Or none of the above? Some combination thereof?

Sort of. It's not that I feel like I can't commit, just that I don't feel like I should have to. There are several people I love and could love, it's not fair to limit myself and others to one person. I have always felt restricted by monogamous relationships.

[Pom Graines]

Thank you narcissistic cupcake for participating in the discussion. smile It's nice to see a new face around.

[narcissistic cupcake]

Mameoyashi

Thank you narcissistic cupcake for participating in the discussion. smile It's nice to see a new face around.

No problem ^_^

[Store_Pause_Seemingly]

weats

heart heart heart Thank you so much for making this thread. heart heart heart

I'm in my first open relationship, after reading 'the ethical slut' and finding a guy brave enough to try it. I've been trying to find a good forum for it so I can talk to people who could understand and possibly give me a little guidance without ridiculing me for my open mindedness or my open heart.

I just don't think it's fair I can't love somebody just because I'm with somebody else, nor can I grasp the concept of being owned by ANYONE but myself.

I went to the forum on lovemore but once I made the profile I couldn't do anything unless I paid (pretty lame of them). gonk

So I left and came looking on the free (!) forum I never knew I had all along.

heart heart heart heart

Ownership doesn't rule out polyamory, just sayin'

[Pom Graines]

Kage_no_Taren

Ownership doesn't rule out polyamory, just sayin'

Perhaps not, but I feel that it's a bit less likely to come up as often in polyamory than it is in monoamory... but I don't know, I also just finished reading the Ethical Slut (2nd Ed) as well so perhaps that has tilted my view a bit about polyamory and other methods of ethical sluthood being not only a different means of love but also pretty self-empowering as well.

Though I suppose in weats view of polyamory there doesn't include that same ownership as you often see in more posessive monoamorous relationships. Perhaps it's not entirely mutually exclusive, but her way of doing polyamory and being in such relationships doesn't include it.

As we talked about a little earlier definitions are often fluid and ever evolving thing, so until we either get super specific (get mroe words, increase definitions and such) or let go of defining things entirely I think these small disagreements are bound to happen.