Polyamory 102: A Support Thread for Consensual Non-Monogamy

New Poll for...awesomeness!

Yay! Awesomeness!	60.0%	[ 357 ]
Yeah...awesome... [/sarcasm]	15.8%	[ 94 ]
[insert your own thoughts here]	24.2%	[ 144 ]
Total Votes:			[ 595 ]

[Pom Graines]

JoshuaOrrizonte

So, I see this new thread is in its infancy. Is it okay to ask questions? (This one, I think, is a hard one.)

Of course! Ask away.

[Maarilat]

biggrin Very nice.

*subscribes*

Hmmm.... a question to contribute to discussion...

How about: What is the difference between a Polyfidelitous Polyamory, and a Poly relationships which isn't Polyfidelitous? Are the terms mutually inclusive?

[JoshuaOrrizonte]

Coolbeans.

I am polyarmorous, although I've never been in a poly relationship. I am currently married; I love my husband, very much. I wouldn't trade him for the world; he is very monogamous, and I respect that 100% and would never suggest introducing a third party to our marriage. The idea would be both offensive and very hurtful to him, and I don't want to do that.

The problem is, as I've mentioned: I'm polyarmorous. I'm still quite in-love with my ex-boyfriend. He's extremely monogamous, too.

I am FINE with the fact that I am in love with both my husband and my ex. It happens; I don't view any type of love as a kind of love you can feel for only one person, and that includes romantic. The problem is the fact that I know that my husband is hurt by it. I haven't shoved it in his face, acted on my feelings, or implied in any way that I don't want to be with HIM. I married him, for crying out loud- and my history with relationships leaves me quite afraid of commitment. As I said, I respect him completely. But part of that respect includes telling the truth when he asks me directly whether I still have feelings for the ex. And the fact that it DOES hurt him makes me feel VERY guilty.

How do you process that kind of guilt?

[Pom Graines]

@ Maarilat: thanks for the suggestion that sounds like a good first question I'll add it (or something very similar) sometime very soon smile

@JoshuaOrrizonte: Wow, you were right that is a tough one, but I will do my best. I really had to think of this one for a good long while, sorry it took so long to reply to you.

The guilt is a hard thing to process... but honestly I don't really see a reason to feel guilty at all. A lot of people have residual feelings for their exes regardless. After all, time often has the effect to make things seem better than they were. Even exes who were assholes to me there is a bit of fondness for somewhere because ... the pain is less and the good times are more memorable. So, to me at least, it's understandable regardless...

Thing is...you can't help how you feel. It's how you act on the feelings that really means the most in these situations. I assume by this question that you talked with your husband extensively about this situation? Have you been able to explain your situation, your philosophy and your feelings? Perhaps lending him some literature (books, websites, ect) on the subject would help him understand more where you're coming from.

Otherwise... I think all you can do since you've told him, is just be with him, reassure him when he has doubts, and hope that time will blow it over. But there is nothing to feel guilt over, you can't help how you feel and you want to be honest with your loved one... that at least in my eyes garners respect. You don't have a magic off button for your emotions... if people had those things would be a lot easier in life.

You care about this relationship, you are committed and devoted to your husband, these that are the key factors and they tell me that you're really doing things right. It is not as though you're going around behind your husband's back, you are not acting on your feelings for your ex and that I don't find any different from any other monogamous couple. Crushes happen, old sparks happen, but it's how people act on them that is the keystone to the relationship.

[The Original Shurtugal]

Just a friendly tip, you say you don't want to convert anyone, but you also say that Polyamory is the "right way to live". You might want to amend that, in case someone gets the wrong idea.

[Pom Graines]

The Original Shurtugal

Just a friendly tip, you say you don't want to convert anyone, but you also say that Polyamory is the "right way to live". You might want to amend that, in case someone gets the wrong idea.

I apologise for the misunderstanding but I'm not calling polyamory the "right way to live", hence "right" is in quotations.

However, upon re-reading the first post again I stumbled on the first part of that sentence and almost missed the 'not' that I put in there myself. I'm going to clean the wording up in that part a little bit. Thanks for the heads up.

If I've missed the section that you were reffering to, please notify me and I'll see what I can do for cleaning up wording. smile

[Maarilat]

The way I look at guilt of that kind is to look closer at its source.

Understand what was wrong, if anything, in what you have done... in this case it seems like you married your boyfriend without him knowing that you had this attachment still to another man? It was good of you to tell your husband, in my opinion -- it keeps honesty, and gives him the opportunity to be as big as he can be and rise above the slight to his ego.

You've reassured him, you are (apparently) sincere about being monogamously faithful to your husband, and so you should be able to accept your emotions as they are and move on from the utter uselessness of guilt; you are not your emotions, you are what you choose to make of your thoughts and the decisions you make.

I think that all you can do from this point on is realize that the past is the past. It is gone... so, all that remains is what can be made of what is for everybody, right? If he is happy with you, and you are happy with him, then that should be enough for you. If either of those things aren't so, then you need to communicate more about things and you and your husband would be better off working through the issue.

Either way... understand your guilt as fully as you can, then just let it go. The next time you find yourself judging yourself harshly, simply be aware of what you are doing and where the thoughts are coming from... and let them go, don't empower them.

There is no benefit or positive to be realized from guilt or self-blame (or blame of any kind, for that matter), only lessons to be learned of a limiting nature... limitations which can protect, but usually, in my opinion, are a waste of energy and time.

[His sweet prey]

Random quick question of my own, from back when I was in a poly relationship.

Is it normal to want your primary partner to focus the majority of their attention on you? When my ex and I were in our 'open' relationship, we were engaged to be married. I can remember one point when I wanted to go back to being monogamous, mainly due to seeing him hitting on anything that would give him the time of day and all but ignoring me. It was difficult to get him in the mood to be intimate with me towards the end of the relationship as well - it wasn't until I told him I had fallen for my Shukun that he started paying me the attention I'd been wanting, and by then I'd made up my mind to find someone new.

Again, is this typical of some people in poly relationships? I only ask because I feel bad sometimes, like I was being selfish or unreasonable in wanting the same attention as his primary partner that I was giving him as mine. confused


EDIT: Greetings, Wasabifish. Your friendly neighborhood Torontonian says hello. wink

[Maarilat]

@ Syn:

Hmm... I wonder if that name would ever catch on? eek (hey smile )

You already know that I've never been in a Poly relationship, but that sort of issue seems fairly common when rules and expectations haven't been communicated thoroughly or clearly enough. Unless, they were... in that case it would be cheating of a sort (in a less mainstream consideration of the word's meaning), and then it'd also be perfectly normal to be unhappy with that... and to see that there would be issues that needed to be worked out.

I wouldn't advise feeling that your love should be reciprocated as it was given, rather that it would be fine and important to know when your needs (having been thoroughly understood, or still needing to be more understood) weren't being met... your needs shouldn't be based off of a bargaining scenario in a Poly relationship.

If you felt that your love should be returned equally and compromised then, in my opinion, Polyamory, or swinging, would probably be a very difficult kind of relationship to keep.

[Chikara Kitsune Takashi]

Here's a question.

How do you broach the topic of polyamory to a (almost certain) monogamous boyfriend who, when you tried to broach the topic in the past, wouldn't talk to you about it?

I love him, I truly do. He's my rock and my foundation, the person who keeps me from going crazy. But the problem is I feel like I need someone more exciting in my life, someone who's willing to be a little grabby in public (my current boyfriend is not), someone who spices things up. I do have someone in mind, but when I tried to talk about it before, he would go silent and refuse to talk to me. That wasn't even mentioning the person's name, just "Honey? How would you feel if I was with another guy.. I wouldn't be cheating on you, I just feel like I need someone else in my life as well". I feel like I broached the whole topic completely wrong... And it doesn't help that the one time I asked if it would be alright if I was with a girl (I'm pansexual, thanks for asking), he said "Will I be able to watch?" He either won't talk or gets all comedic about the whole thing...

And fail on Firefox's dictionary for thinking I misspelled polyamory and pansexual (I am NOT nonsexual or transsexual, thank you >.> wink

[His sweet prey]

@ Maar:

That's exactly where it gets tricky, though. There were a few times that I told him that I wanted to only be with him, without all the messing around and so on. He'd be fine with it, then continue hitting on pretty well anything that moved in the hopes that he'd be able to score some jailbait nookie. It ended up with me going and hooking up with someone else while I was trying to find the right time to tell him I wanted out of the relationship entirely, because I didn't love him anymore. I think the last straw for me was when I was trying to make wedding plans with my mom, the entire time watching him hit on some sixteen year old that hung around with us a lot at the time. rolleyes

I suppose I could be poly, but I would have to know that my primary partner held me in the same regard as I did them and took steps to show me as much. Being a submissive, I'm much happier in the idea of belonging to my partner - if He wanted to share me, that's all well and good by me, but if He wants to be selfish and keep me all to himself, that's good for me too. smile

@ Chikara:

I'm going to take a page from the Dan Savage book of relationship philosophies and say this - tell your boyfriend where the sex is lacking, ASAP. Make suggestions, share kinks, do whatever you need to do to see if that doesn't do the trick. If he balks, tell him that you need a little less vanilla and a little more mint chocolate chip to be happy (yay metaphors!) and... well, I know that I couldn't be with someone that didn't care about compromising to keep us both happy. That's me, though - you'll figure your own situation out.

Again though, you'll want to tell him sooner rather than later.

[cValentine]

@Syn
I remember having the same problem when my Master and I decided to start having a poly relationship. I still don't want him seeing another girl because that would make me feel too jealous but...for some reason I don't care if he sees a guy since it just doesn't feel the same for me. I still did get kind of grabby with him and I like knowing I'm better at giving him head but, I think it's just natural for people to get jealous. I couldn't see someone not being jealous even if they're used to that lifestyle.

As far as having one be more important - I don't think that's a big deal, especially if you are planning on being in a relationship where you're married but still have other people. A good way to avoid being so worried about losing them though is to have group activities more often with the other people and solo activities with you and your significant one. ^_^

[Chikara Kitsune Takashi]

@ Syn:

I've tried, really. I've showed him more exciting stuff I'd like to try, I've told him about things I've read... he's just a really quiet guy. He's the deep, quiet, mysterious type, and while I normally love that about him when I try to change anything it's like running up against a brick wall. I mean, it's not really like I can say "you're boring, change yourself to be more interesting", can I?

Maybe part of the problem is that I'm normally shy about most things, so the fact that I'm trying to be assertive about all of this is scaring him? I dunno... Oh, and I'm not sure if this matters or not to the topic, but we just started having sex a month ago. It's more than the sex, though, it's that he doesn't act like we're together in public. He won't hold my hand because it "bugs him". Ok, I'm OCD, so I get that, but still... I feel like crying sometimes when I see other couples holding hands.

[Reinforest]

Sad to see the original owner go, but it's nice to see this thread back and with more information. 3nodding

I support polyamory, and just about any form of safe, sane relationship between consenting adults. Trying to put love into a box is like trying to put a big square into a tiny circle. 3nodding

I've considered the possibility that I'm polyamorous, but it's not something I can be sure of. I may stick around this thread, I am a lifestyle nerd.

♀ ♥ ♫

[His sweet prey]

Chikara Kitsune Takashi

@ Syn:

I've tried, really. I've showed him more exciting stuff I'd like to try, I've told him about things I've read... he's just a really quiet guy. He's the deep, quiet, mysterious type, and while I normally love that about him when I try to change anything it's like running up against a brick wall. I mean, it's not really like I can say "you're boring, change yourself to be more interesting", can I?

Maybe part of the problem is that I'm normally shy about most things, so the fact that I'm trying to be assertive about all of this is scaring him? I dunno... Oh, and I'm not sure if this matters or not to the topic, but we just started having sex a month ago. It's more than the sex, though, it's that he doesn't act like we're together in public. He won't hold my hand because it "bugs him". Ok, I'm OCD, so I get that, but still... I feel like crying sometimes when I see other couples holding hands.

Ugh. I'm sorry to be blunt, but having been in a 'relationship' where I was kept quiet because he didn't want to be made fun of... any behaviour like that immediately sends up a red flag for me. I'm not saying that's the case with your boy, but if it is, he should have his balls taken off with something dull and rusty. stressed

Anywho... again, you need to sit down and talk to him, obviously about more than just the bedroom stuff. Make a list if you have to to keep yourself on track, just to be sure you don't miss anything. Ultimately, if he still won't respond, then you'll have to decide if it's worth staying in.