Dirty Little Secrets [Announcement 11/8/2023]

Before I go, I've got to know:

Is that what you mean to say?	29.3%	[ 746 ]
Before I rise to my defense,	5.0%	[ 127 ]
Before I speak in hurt or fear,	5.6%	[ 142 ]
Before I build that wall of words,	4.3%	[ 110 ]
Tell me: did I really hear?	10.2%	[ 260 ]
Words are windows, or they're walls,	9.8%	[ 250 ]
They sentence us, or set us free.	6.2%	[ 157 ]
When I speak and when I hear,	2.9%	[ 75 ]
Let the love light shine through me.	26.8%	[ 682 ]
Total Votes:			[ 2549 ]

[no scheisse]

the job fair was a bust...guess my buddy was wrong, their girlfriend is just looking online.

ive been job applying like crazy and nothing is working

[no scheisse]

its like...yeah i have a roof over my head, but im being emotional tortured. i never feel normal. im always on edge and having to defend myself. and say "sorry" a million times so she feels like im "listening to her".

i cant do it anymore though. like im legit worn out from being her constant therapist...i need someone to help me for a change.

[danndelion]

━━˖°˖ ☾☆☽ ˖°˖ ━━━━━━━

talking to you is physically painful.

━━━━━━━━━━⚝☾⋆⭒˚｡⋆

[no scheisse]

im not trying to even let my mom bully me. shes just always been like this, but over time it got so much worse. and i dont know when it really started to get out of control, but now it fully is. she wakes up, in full on tears, yelling about how she "didnt sleep all night" (most nights i hear her snoring when i go to the bathroom in the middle of the night), and i feel like the minute i wake up...im trying to always console someone who likes making huge issues out of their entire life.

i know everyone has problems.

but my mom has..almost too ******** many. thatt she puts on EVERYONE else to make HER feel better or correct the situations.

she gets MAD that i wont battle her doctors and dentists tooth and nail for pain meds for her.

i just wanna kill myself. it's easier than being my mom's personal medical tool and nobody's anything else.

i feel like im really just blending into the walls and no one is going to know when i am gone. when i am.

[no scheisse]

i dont usually try to jump to delusional to describe anyone but my mom is making her way on the list. it sucks because i did NOT want to have to think of her in this light. but she acts very nasty towards me now. and it hurts. it just hurts more than anything, to have her think that getting mad at everyone around her and blaming everyone is more important than my mental health. or just to mind the people around her.

and shes always saying s**t like, "screw these people, ive been in pain for far too long, i dont care who i hurt". it gets scary.

she just announces bad things she wants to do to people all day. imagine being around that. all. ********. day. of someone saying, "i wish i could hurt my ******** doctors" and disgusting s**t like that.

and i dont get to just walk away from it. if she does catch me trying to leave the room, she gets even more mad that im trying to "leave the conversation". about her pain. for the MILLIONTH time....

and then i find myself feeling horrible bc i almost dont really care that shes in "so much pain" anymore. ive grown so numb to her complaining about pain that..it just makes me angrier to hear it. i cant take her seriously.

[no scheisse]

idk....even just telling a forum what im going through, at least i get to talk about it a little bit.

what even happened to my mom? we used to be close too. we used to be okay. but ever since this medical obsession getting worse and worse with doctors, i cant cope with her s**t anymore.

i know she hates them.

but its consuming my WHOLE LIFE with hatred. she just drags me in, without asking, into her life. her problems. and even when i say its getting too much, she guilt trips me and says "you're supposed to take care of me when im older"

HOW LONG?? IM ALREADY TAKING CARE OF YOU.

how long am i gonna be trapped here...? why wont you let me go do MY LIFE? WHY?

[no scheisse]

you didnt give birth to me to take care of you, right? you cant be serious. you say it so harshly and matter-a-factly, that it really freaks me out. it freaks me out, that you dont speak about my future. you dont speak highly about anyone around me. you dont care about what i WANT to do. you care about what you tell me i need to care about if it concerns you. which SUCKS.

why is everything about you.

when did i agree that everything would be about you.

you being my mom doesnt make you the center of my universe.

im so confused. she makes me feel like im doing something SO wrong.

[no scheisse]

its an awful feeling to have zero friends who can take you out either. like i dont have anyone that understands that my mom is like this and ...i wouldnt even know where to begin..on how to explain.

she counts on that. i told her before that she makes stuff complicated with me making friends and meeting people. all she ever does is take offense to it. but she doesnt release the control over my life. if i ever do go out and see anyone, i have to tell her exactly what time im going, exactly for how much time and nothing over that at ALL, when im exactly gonna be back and if im not on time, im in trouble immediately.


im almost 29 years old.....

[no scheisse]

if i just refused to give her any times, refused to follow anything, idk what would happen. maybe i need to get myself forcefully kicked out. pull what my little brother did and become crazier than her. that was the way he got kicked out. she didnt want him anymore. he became too insane to live with. i even remember i couldnt handle my own brother at that time.

but now i look back and i see the struggle it took for me and my siblings just to EVEN GET TO LEAVE THE HOUSE and i KNOW why we left in chaos.

my older sibling, always left in a fight. and the last time they ever left? it was also in a fight. little brother, the same exact way. she wouldnt ever let any of us leave normally.

because it always had to be some kind of force of a struggle with her. she would never be the kind of mom to just wish us well and help us pack or help us figure out which apartment to go to. or help us save money.

if she had let them leave like that, they probably would have. but everytime they all spoke about moving out, i think she'd pull the same really shitty attitude.

she makes leaving her a battle.

[no scheisse]

a battle to the very end.



ugh. im gonna do something crazy like run away

[no scheisse]

i mean, ******** her.

******** my whole life. why do i deal with this s**t?? i could be ANYWHERE else. not here. why here? why am i broke and stuck HERE? still?

[no scheisse]

if i dont get this out, ik id hurt myself. so its better being written down. as words. nothing more. i cant hurt myself i need a job

they wont hire me if im hurting myself

and then ill never get out.

[no scheisse]

theres too many endings. too many that easily lead back to me becoming trapped.

i will crawl out of this hole and make something of my life just to ******** spite her.

[no scheisse]

every door you slam shut for me, ill rip open another door, and continue to try to leave this nutso family.

every happy and healthy pathway you stand in front of, ill find another to walk down.

i cant find peace if you're always breathing down my neck and making me do things i dont wanna do. or keep me from getting a job, or keeping a relationship. or making friends.

all of these very important social and financial things for me that are direly important to my future.

[no scheisse]

you cant just deny me basic human things and call that okay. no matter how lonely you are. i dont care. you dont get to hurt me. and hurt me. and hurt me.

its not okay.