Right now I'm supposed to be in second period History class, but I had to leave and spend a bit of time alone, because I am extremely depressed at the moment.
I can't believe that's what he thinks about me. I screwed up big time. What should I be doing, then? What CAN I do now?
I'm such a loser. Look at me, crying about this like a fool. It wasn't even an insult, just an observation, and yet it hurt me so much ...
All just because of that. So then I really am just like everyone else... I'm not important. Just someone to be bitterly looked upon. This is my fault though, isn't it? I'm always messing things up.
Does no one believe me when I say what's dearest to me? How am I supposed to prove myself when I'm trying to affirm to a whim? If you're not wanted, you don't throw yourself on it.
This is so frustrating. Only one opinion matters to me ... so do I need to forsake everything else to disprove it?
Please forgive me ...
Alright, so I wrote this second period. It's fourth period now, and I feel a little better, but I still feel very dejected.
I can't but wonder about how I really have been acting lately. The way I've acted, the things I've said... I haven't exactly been doting, have I? But this has been on purpose. I've been trying my best not to be clingy.
The last thing I want is to be considered annoying for being clingy... but then, being considered as I am now is hardly better. Infact, it's even worse. It's like saying that what I feel isn't even precious at all, that it's just commonplace and doesn't even matter, that my affection is cheap.
I don't give affection so easily, though it'd be hard to realize it amongst them, since they are all very dear to me ... but I steer away from that important person with the intentions of giving him space. Woe be to the person who makes him unhappy, especially myself.
Anything that leads a mind to think that my heart is elsewhere is mistaken, and such thoughts were conjured unintentionally. There is no one else, and as far as I feel, to this extent, there never was.
I really hope the wrong people don't stumble onto this ... that'd be extremely embarrassing. There are very few people I want to understand this, or to even know this. Although even less people will understand what this is about - one of which I am not willing to confess such things to as of yet. If by chance this entry is seen by that person, I hope that they will forget everything they have read if they feel they need to. I don't want to be treated differently, or worse, cast away again.
I could probably eliminate this threat by simply deleting this entry, but this is my journal, and this where I share how I feel. Who knows who even cares, but it takes some weight off my chest to put such things in writing.
One day my feelings will send me into even deeper trouble then I have already faced, I know this... but such feelings are my greatest possession. I wouldn't give them up for anything in the world, except maybe greater happiness for that person.
I truly hope that someday they will forgive me for what I've done ( though unintentionally ) and not turn away from my attentions. Being forsaken hurts greatly, and being considered cheap almost as much.
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