I'm clearing up my last journal entry. I think I'm going to decide to stop caring. From now on I'll make sure I feel nothing at all.
Hello heart of stone .. welcome home.
Morning >> 28th
You know what, nevermind not even feeling anything... I seem to find that impossible. Now I just feel extremely sick. Couldn't eat breakfast this morning. Don't plan on eating lunch either.
I don't know if I even want to go to school today. I honestly don't even see the point of anything. All I feel at the moment is like... my heart has been stabbed fifty times.
Conflict conflict conflict.
One night I looked up at a star and voiced how I felt truly in heart, and wished for something better ... I didn't ask for this at all. I feel betrayed somehow. This is my fault though, 100% and purely.
No one gets it. Not a single one. I don't have anywhere to turn anymore.
It's second period now and I feel alot better, actually. I'm not exactly depressed anymore ... though I don't expect it to last long.
You see, my Arts class made me feel alot better. ^^;; The guys I sit around, they're very funny. A little mean, but at least they're nice to me. They were talking about breaking into Chippewa and telling everyone to get out of their school. xD How crazy.
I'm a little thirsty, but Justin gave me a gum so I guess I feel a little better now. Patrick's artwork was what cheered me up the most probably.. it was so beautiful. I looked at it and just felt all my sorrow melting away. I finally managed to pipe up and said I like Rammstein too ( lol ) because it's so hard for me to talk to strangers, though I've been trying to look for reasons to talk to them all semester long.
I wonder if Patrick would do something with me for lunch someday. Maybe after I get to know him a little better ( or at least attempt to ) He's an artist, even better then me really ( though our style is completely different ) and he seems to like anime a little bit. I could probably get along with him, he seems nice. I'm a little scared to try though.
Oh well, I got the rest of the semester to try. That'd be the second period bell now... I gotta get to class. Tomorrow I will be ditching school to go to Widdifield because of the literacy test, which I have already done and stuff.
Okay, now it's fourth period, and because I'm bored I'm updating again. Of course the depression has come back, but thankfully not full-fledged. I feel a sort of twinge in my chest that won't subside... I don't exactly FEEL depressed, but I feel that twinge - and it's rather painful - so I know I must be.
I thought alot about things today, and I decided that I don't have much to be upset about, all in all. Of course it hurt to know that I really at the bottom of the rung to him, and that he put it out so flatly that he cares nothing about how I feel. ( You know, I still think he doesn't even believe me. ) But he said I'm still his friend, and ... well... isn't that what's most important of all?
Yes. I said that already. I really needed to reaffirm that within myself. Being loved isn't the most important thing, as long as I am at least cared about, even as a friend. If I have that much, I'll consider myself rich. Saying that helps me feel a little better, because deep down inside I know it's true. I can't help but think things will be a little rockier from now on, but this isn't the end, right? This is far from the end.
Of course, if they won't let me give up my feelings entirely, they can't expect me to give up how I feel for him. It won't happen. Although having those feelings ignored is alright, I don't want them to be confronted. If fate lets things go back to the way they were before this whole stupid thing happened, I will be happy again. All of us just ... friends.
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