maybe it's hormones. but ugh. i have grr.

it started with being scolded by my mother in our daily conversation with my sister on the phone.
my niece mentioned she'll have to have her wisdom teeth removed soon. (my niece is almost 13) and my sister said, "it might stop some of her headaches too."

which set me off. not like anger or anything. just.... i had a bad experience with my wisdom teeth.
and i was told that having them out would stop my headaches.
it was only the beginning of worse and worse headaches.

i didn't want her to get her hopes set on that. but also.
i wanted to warn her.

but either it all came out wrong, or it was taken wrongly. actually i think my mom was trying to take it wrongly. and direct it in the way she was hearing it. "A is complaining and catastrophizing again".

luckily my sister understood and we steered it back to my original meaning.
the tooth extraction may not help with headaches. if her problem is like mine, it's a muscle tension thing and the surgery exacerbates the pain (jaw posture during surgery is horrid).
and just in case -- preemptive gentle muscle stretches of the neck and jaw would be a good thing for her.

these are things i wish i knew back then.

and i'd like to save my niece from any pain, if i can.

my sister got that.

i don't want to be told "don't talk about that in front of her" and "that was YOUR experience". i want to be heard. i want to be able to express some ideas on how to make an experience better for someone based on the experience i had.
i didn't want to complain again about how awful my wisdomteeth surgery was. i didn't want to get into details of how my siblings and my surgeries differed. (mom's direction in the conversation)
i just simply wanted to say -- don't take the headaches lightly.

why do people think you're complaining or meddling -- when all you're trying to do is offer help to maybe prevent more suffering?

at least my sister figured that out.
i hope she heard me on the neck and jaw stretches.

my sister and i don't agree on... other things.
and that annoys me too.

she was complaining about having to do portfolios and do documentation since she home schools her kids. my mom is on my sister's side. thinks the documentation is annoying, a breach of privacy. etc etc.

yeah. i understand the government has its hands in everything and it's too much.

but my point of view is very different.

my first thought is.... good. parents might need accountability to some entity about schooling. guidelines are also important. (does the government overstep? yes sometimes they do. do people "get around" the laws in place? yes sometimes they do. but it is better than having a free-for-all..... granted... i would like to see some non government entity be the school board. i'd like school ness to be not government at all. but it is what we have right now.. anyway that's involved)

i know of home school kids who had no real education.

and i worry about kids who might having a lifetime of embarrassment because they were taught nothing. (or worse, continue on without knowing much. i worry even more for girls in this because ... well i grew up in west virginia... it's a beautiful place... but let me express that.... there is a general, unspoken, tacitly understood culture... as a female human in west virginia... you have 2 life options... but they pretty much involve you being a mother. women are expected to be a good wife and mother (or try to look like it, despite poverty, abuse, or any other obstacle to "decency" wink . so, like. you're a wife and mother; or you're probably a hooker. )

with that said... i worry that kids who don't get a good education will be "stuck".

i'm pretty sure my sister's kids will be educated well. even if they complain (my nephew started to cop a fit when he heard his math can't be a computer game math program. "i don't want to do math on paper!" oh buddy. hell no. he doesn't even understand how writing with your hands is good for your brain. he'll just have to accept this fact of life adults hand down to him.)

and my sister isn't a bad parent.

but hearing her complain about having to keep portfolios just strikes me as pointless and dumb.

i probably should have just let it go at that. a dumb rant because we all complain when we have to do something inconvenient.

but instead i expressed my gladness that there is any kind of regulation. like. it's better than kids who learn nothing.

it's better than letting those "school of life" parents have complete freedom.

that set off a too long semi argument over whether the government ought to regulate.

and got around to my sister's fears of the government taking away her kids.

geeze. it always comes back to that. the government taking your kids.
like. they have people in a hard place. threatening to take their kids. and for nothing.

and like that. i can see the spirit of fear at work.

it always seems like people who neglect their kids get away with it. and decent parents have that threat of their kids being taken.

we live in an injust world.

and i could rant a while, but i don't know if there is a point to it.

other than i guess my view is... at least we have the freedom to home school, even if we have to submit portfolios and do standardized tests, and whatnot. so i don't see a point in complaining, as it's not the craziest of hoops to jump through.

sure, the bad ones make it so we have to have laws to keep accountability and have regulation and some standards and guidelines... but, it's really just a swap of pros and cons.


i need to let it go. and dance off this angst.


i guess it's just longstanding feeling of not being heard, or listened to.
i've come to expect it in this house.

i think it's the reason i argue fiercely. and feel like i have to hold my own point.
because what i have to say it shushed, discarded, or told i'm wrong.

i've grown enough to know it's not a matter of right or wrong. it's a different way of doing things. but i've always had to tow their line. no questions asked.