signed in to gaia today to see a friend's status... saying she wanted to end her life. the post was 13 hours old. so it was from the night before.

i don't know how she is right now, and if she acted on that.

but then as i was surfing facebook, my first cousin once removed posted a series of posts, progressively desperate and sad.... and i had this sinking suspicion that her mom, my cousin, had died.
she contracted influenza in february, and her weak body couldn't handle it. her lungs shut down and she was put in an induced coma on a ventilator.
we didn't hear from her or her daughter for almost 2 months. (i think even talking about it upset the daughter. we're not close, and she lives in a world of immature and nasty fake people who gossip, i think... so she didn't know how to handle my mom's concern. probably thought my mom was a fake.... she couldn't have known my mom loves all her nieces.)
anyway. a week or so ago, my cousin finally posted to fb. that she was alive. she couldn't talk due to a trach (still on a ventilator, but awake). that she was "okay to go home, but would need skilled nursing to do so."

mom found out my cousin died sometime last night. mom got a text from a friend in a far away state. mom's friend is close to my cousin's son (my cousin had 4 children, 3 girls and a boy... i grew up same age as my cousin's oldest. but they moved away when my cousin divorced their dad and they moved in with their dad. later my cousin remarried and had her 4th... i was a lot older then and had moved around some and so we weren't close to my cousins anymore, and this 4th child grew up barely knowing our family. i mean, i guess because she's my first cousin once removed [fcor]. i hope she's closer to her first cousins - the ones i grew up with and know. like. they might be my only link to her.)

rough times.

i'm okay. i hope mom's okay. i feel really bad for my fcor.

and i'm still reeling from my friend, whose name i never knew. i can tell you generally what she looks like, where she was living (tho i dunno her address, i know her city), what she did, and what her hobbies were. i can tell you that her sense of aesthetics and beauty were solid. good. classic. she's an artist. in more than one sense of the word.
and i'd hate for that brilliance to no longer be in the world.