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I went into shock last night.

chloe is officially moving, there's no ifs ands or buts about it.

the realization that i'm going to kill myself soon helped send me there.

I can't live in my dads house alone. there are too many people. I desperately need to be alone, I need to not have anyone ever talking to me when i'm home, unless they're a very close personal friend. I like my dad. He is ok. I cannot ever life with him again, because being under his roof gives him the power to kick you out, and it gives him power to do whatever the ******** he wants to you.

spend all day at work stressed out? time to go home and have a second boss bitching at you, and telling you to do dishes at 6 am because you're a lazy sack of s**t who was never good for anything. time to be guilted that he's dying and you don't ever help him with anything. time to suffer more emotional abuse. I can't, and i won't go back to that. I physically can't. if I had friends who could move in with me, if I had someone to help split the bills, then I'd be ok.

I would not be ok with losing my best friend, who knows me on a level better than anyone else ever could. I will never be okay with that, but I wouldn't have to die suddenly. I wouldn't be shoved back into that ******** house. it's why my brother said he has to smoke pot in order to stay in that house. I know his pain. I won't ever admit it to the family, but i know why he drinks so often, and why he smokes pot so much. my brother is an a*****e, but he's also a symptom of the family.

it was never supposed to be like this, you know? it was supposed to be magic. we had the perfect story. we fell in love online... we met, we were perfect for eachother, and we were supposed to be together forever. I know i had my hand in helping ******** that up.. but.. i thought we could work past it. i thought we were strong enough, i thought we were right for eachother, i thought everything was going to be okay.

living in sabinal, i hated. i have always hated this town. i thought we were going to get out of here together and go somewhere and tell people horror stories of living in this town. even when we broke up, it was US, we were going to get out together, but i've made her life a hell, and it's no ones fault, we shouldn't live together, we'd probably be much better off if we didn't live together after the breakup because it wouldn't feel so intimate between us.

that was something else we couldnt help. neither of us could afford to leave. shes always wanted to live on her own but the ******** world is so ******** that unless you get lucky or have a super high paying job you cant live alone in this world. its too expensive, the old generation who bitches at us to get jobs, lift ourselves by our bootstraps are the ones who ruined the world and we're just doing what we can to survive.

when you found someone you love, it was supposed to be better.I won't lie either, dating her has been the one thing keeping me going for so many years. she was the love of my life and she helped me find happiness. she's the reason i could work that god awful job. she's the reason i didn't kill myself when my world was crumbling around me, and she's the reason i could be a rock. i didn't treat her right, and now she's gone. it's my fault, i have no excuses or anyone to blame for that.

i hate my job, and i hate the town i live in. i hate everything, and because of my mental health i can't even do anything about it. hell, i might have to see if my ex-best friend will move in with me, help pay bills. if someone i want to murder, someone who the very thought of disgusts me, will live in my house. if he'll bring his ******** worm of a friend over to my house. if there will be people constantly in my house, but that's still better than living with my dad.

i'm dead, and a walking corpse that hasn't realized he succeeded in his suicide attempt many day sago, that the gun was actually loaded when I put i tto my head and pulled the trigger and i am dead, and this is hell

things started looking up. things started getting better. but only for me. they have been piling up on her for so long that she finally snapped. she's a lot stronger than i am, you see. she's so much stronger than i've ever been and i lie to myself and say i can do it but i cant, and this is proof.

i smoke a lot now. i don't like to smoke but i don't know what else to do other than put the barrel back in my mouth with the clip inside this time and pull the trigger.

i want to be the one everyone forgot. i dont want anyone to be sad by my death. i don't want anyone to even find my body. i thought about jumping the fence and just walking the field behind my house for a while. walking into the middle of an empty field and doing it there, so no one will know i'm gone. no one will know what happened, james just disappeared one day. we heard a gunshot but that could have been hunters.maybe that's how ill do it.

when chloe moves ill tell her im running away and cutting ties with everyone. ill tell everyone that i'm leaving and they'll think i'm gone and just never came back. they'll think i ran away and am living a secret life somewhere, and i want them to have that hope of finding me. i want them to not know the horrible truth, that i am weak and couldn't survive. that the world was stronger than i could ever pretend to be, and i'm dead now.

maybe it'll rain and the rain will bury my body. a proper burial. i don't have any unfinished business, so its ok. i hope death really is the end and theres' no afterlife. i imagine hell is me reliving the worst days of my life in sequence over and over. me living my life, never aging, time never passing, but i'm stuck in my dads house. i'm stuck here with barry, that's what i think hell will be like.

i've had a lot of bad dreams that chloe wasn' twith me anymore, and she was living somewhere else, that i could never get to her, could never see her. she was gone and i was alone.

those are the days where i'm so depressed, because i've spent so much of my life with this one person that i don't know how to live without them. i can't imagine walking through the front room to see no one. i can't imgaine going shopping and knowing itll be just me.

my coworker, chelsea needs a place to live. i can't live with a child in the house though, i can't live being a babysitter. i can't live like that, i can't be a dad. i need someone to take care of me, someone who gets me. someone smart. i had someone like that and i made them leave. i made them hate me. i made them never want anything to do with the monstrosity that i am.

death seems too generous. maybe i'll fail and end up a vegetable. i hope someone just kills me, i don't want to live as a vegetable. i can't even cry.. i want to cry so badly but i'm broken beyond crying. i feel like puking and dying but i can't even ******** cry. i wish i could cry.

ill cry when she leaves probably. maybe i'll cry with the barrel of the gun in my mouth.

i keep telling her it's not her problem to worry about me and she gets upset. i know she gets upset because she cares about me and it hurts hearing me say that i'm not her problem but i feel like that's all i am to anyone. i'm a burden. i'm a cancerous tumor that needs to be removed.

i keep thinking that maybe chloe just wants to hear that i care. that i want her here. that i don't want her to leave me. that i want her to help me get out of here and all sorts of things. i keep thinking maybe she's hurt because i haven't said those words, please don't leave, i can't live without you. i think that me lying about how i feel, and trying to protect her feelings is bad, that she wants to hear that i love her, and that i will always love her, and that it drives me crazy when she talks to other people not because i'm jealous that she has someone else, but because i can't stomach the idea of her loving anyone but me, and that i want her to be mine and mine alone.

i also think, what if that's not true? what if that's actually the cruelest thing i could say to her? what if the only reason she's stuck around so long is because of this facade i've drug out for far too long? i know my feelings stress her out and that shes stressed and upset and doesnt know what to do

chloe, if you ever read this, i'm sorry. all i wanted was for us to be best friends forever and spend our lives together and maybe get back together in the future, because i ******** love you. i ******** love you so much. if i did the wrong thing by hiding my feelings? then just add that onto the pile of my colossal ******** and things i didn't know i should have done right.

if i was right to keep it a secret? hey, score one for me. i'm glad that i managed to do something right.

maybe this will be my last journal entry ever, maybe not. i hope not, but .. i kinda hope so as well.