I've been having less and less moments of genuine happiness and more so pure depression lately, and it's not even related to *her*, I'm just sad because I lost my best friend.
It was going to happen, because all good things must come to an end, but that wasn't the initial setting of my depression..
Hell, Nier set it off the worst, that game literally treated my feels like a punching bag and that ******** me up good, and I still haven't fully recovered from that since. There are a lot of themes the game touches on that I'm still sensitive to, like love and loss.
I tell her I don't have feelings for her, at all. On many days, I don't, and the feeling of loss is of losing a best friend. Other days, I do, and while they are dwindling very quickly, there's still enough there to enhance my feelings of loss, this time as a grieving ex.
I hate the fact that I'm nothing to her but "her ex", that it's become my sole signifier, my title. I'm not James, I'm not a human, I'm just "the ex". "Oh, that's the ex. this is the ex. I still live with my ex." etc. .. like.. so ******** what. I have more value than my worth in a past relationship, that's why I never refer to her as my ex... I call her my roommate when I talk to people who don't know her, and I call her Chloe when I talk to people who do know her. They know we used to date, but I don't label her or talk s**t about her.
I'm just bummed. I'm so ******** bummed, and I don't care about anything. I don't care about my health, or mental health. I don't care about anything. Death is now a minor risk to me when it comes to considering things. I'd rather die than continue to exist, but I have no reason to actively try to kill myself (at the moment..) so if I die doing something, oh well, nothing of value was lost.
I'm just tired of existing. I'm tired of being a part of existance. I really wish I could stop. I wish I could hit a button and erase myself, I'd do it in an instant.
Manage Your Items