I read through a few more entries, and .. it's hilarious, to an extent, the things I said.
I know I deleted a lot of journal entries, all of them, I think, about Harmony, because I didn't want to remember how I felt during those moments, as if I could simply forget.
Perhaps it was wishful thinking on my part.
I suppose I should update this journal with the happenings of the last two years.
I'm currently living in my dads house again, but everyone else moved out, including my sister and stepmom.
I lived in my own house for a year, things were tough, but I managed. It's life, honestly.
I'm obviously alive so I didn't kill myself at 30, and now if I ever wanted to, I have to wait another 30 years, minimum.
I've been dealing with a lot of things, honestly; i've been reaching the breaking point with so many stressful situations and with work, but then, it's nothing in comparison to what my best friend puts up with on the daily so I don't truly have any right to complain.
I know comparing myself to what they're going through is .. asinine, because you can't compare how you feel to the suffering of others, your own feelings are valid, but it's very much.. I don't know. I feel like a wimp, like I'm weak because of how these things affect me. I know that isn't true. I don't know.
So. V. I know who V is. I know everything I did to them and the horrible person I was. No excuses. I was a bad person. I truly want to believe I became a better person, but only time will tell. Stevie, Bae, an angel made flesh, very sweet girl I dated briefly, she is a bright light. I love her to bits.
V is my best friend, somehow willing to .. I won't say forgive, because I was not forgiven nor would I accept forgiveness for the behavior I had shown, but we have grown closer and I have been working on my awful behavior and habits.
Stevie is another of my best friends, very sweet, very kind.
I am currently still in contact with Luna, whom I've begun calling K, as it's gender neutral and they're genderfluid (? I try to not assume, and this is what I was told, but they're also at a confusing point in their life where they're figuring out who they are as an individual and so at this current point in time that's all I know for sure.)
I looked back at all the things I said to Chloe in the past, or how I generally reacted towards her, and looking at how things are now, it's comical to say the least.
"I can't live without her" to, today, being, "she's a good friend, but we aren't nearly as close as we once were and we live our own lives. We're both adults."
I'm still living in this god awful town.
I'm a huuuuge lesbian.
The cold months still cause me to reflect heavily on the past and desperately wish to regain something I lost, which I never can because something precious was taken from me many, many, many moons ago. I know this now. My desperate attempts to feel loved and feel like someone cares is because of trauma I experienced as a child. I feel broken, as if I'm unloveable. I don't know. There's a lot to unpack.
This will probably seem ridiculous at some point in the future, I'm sure i'll look back and be amused.. maybe? I don't know.
Currently suffer from philophobia, as the mention and idea of romance causes incredible anxiety and I had a panic attack at work last night because I thought K might be confessing to me, they weren't, but the idea of someone confessing to me sent me to hell and back.
I'm a 30 year old trans woman desperately looking out for the small handful of people she cares about in her life and wishing I wasn't such a ******** disaster so I could more effectively care for them.
C'est la vie.
Manage Your Items