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I'm sitting here feeling feelings I haven't felt in so long that I don't even remember what it used to feel like, I'm staring at the ceiling a lot, but hey I can touch type so ******** it right.

I don't think Harmony is going to break up with her boyfriend, I reallly don't. I don't think she wants to, because it's too hard. It's too ******** painful to lose the person you've spent a large portion of your life with, even if ther's something on the table that sounds so much better, you can't know for sure. You can't know that it's not snake oil, and that you'll end up with less than you had before, but that's why it's taking a risk.

I wasn't breaking up because I was unhappy per se, I was breaking up because things that should have made me unhappy didn't make me feel anything at all, and that concerned me so greatly, I became so worried that I was totally closing myself off and becoming something different. I didn't want to become a golem, I didn't want to become an autonomous machine and continue leading a miserable relationship, Chloe deserves so much better than that. Giving myself distance from her has helped me immensely, and I'm discovering myself again. I feel like I'm starting to open up to love again, and it's the scariest feeling in the world.

It's necessary though, because if I ever were to date Chloe again, I don't want to bring this baggage with me, I want to be able to love her pure and unadulterated. It's never going to happen again, she informs me, so, that's OK.

Harmony has known me for so long, she's too smart for her own good, especially when she wants something, and she knows how to play me like a fiddle. I'm letting myself get played as well, because it's so nice feeling wanted. It's so nice feeling loved, and important, even if in the end it's all just a fantasy, and it won't lead to anything ultimately. It's nice to feel this feeling, just once. To feel the way Neena makes me feel, that flowing darkness through my body, to feel like it's engulfing me, it's such a warm darkness, and it feels so good to just let yourself go and get swept away with it, but I have to be careful, because I'm not dating her, and I don't know if I ever will, so I need to be careful. I don't want to let myself get swept away, only to be dashed against the rocks. No one is operating the lighthouse, for me. I can't see the shore, so I have to be careful.

Part of me wants to burn my bridges with Harmony, just totally erode any possibility, especially since she has a similar skillset to me. I know she does, because I can't read her like I can read everyone else. There's a very small handful of people I haven't been able to read, and those people have all had very .. strong, let's say, skillsets. When she starts talking about inevitable, it gives me shivers down my spine. It feels so pleasant, but feeling that pleasant, feeling the control slipping away, scares me as well. I keep snapping back to reality, because while I know I've never had control over my life, being reminded of it always sucks. I also love how much she can act like Neena, but that scares me too, because there's only one reason she'd act like that, and she told me about her "other her", and that scares me so bad. It's all too much of what I always wanted, and it's just scary.

I want to burn those relationships away, I want to burn away all my relationships, and just have everything go back to normal. I know it never can, that the things between me and chloe has put up a wall between us and we need some time apart, and that she never wants to be with me again, but god damn life was so much simpler then.

I also worry that, if this is my set path, if I'm set to never be single, if that's really what's in store for me, and I make sure it's never Harmony whom I date, who would come after her? Would it be Neena proper? would it be someone even stronger, that I wouldn't have a snowballs chance in hell of putting up a fight against? It's scary as ******** to think about. It's scary, and it's so scary because she said the one thing Neena says, and that's "If it feels good, why fight it?" & no one will ever understand why I have to, no one will ever understand my struggle, because I can never put into words why I can't willingly just give up. Ugh..

I'm going to start thinking about possible ways to burn bridges with Harmony, maybe a few others, and call that contingency plan A.