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my character's gold amount increased by a little over 60k and I have no idea where it came from, I checked my inventory and I still have all the stuff I remember, and I have checked my trade logs and there is nothing suspicious, I just cant remember having this amount, maybe I got it last time I played zomg with goatboy and just forgot about it, idk, but I guess it is better to have more than I remember than less than
hmmm I wonder if my emotions will decide what they want
it used to be who ever I was with I would feel closeness and connection to but now it seems just the opposite i keep questioning what i have and if it is really what i want
jody brought up an interesting point about his ex last time i visited him, she had a lot of problems before she met him, three kids by three dads and who knows what else, her life was bad and she was not happy so when he showed her that people could still be nice to her she latched on him and got all thinking she was in love
I wonder if that is what I keep doing recently i have been questioning what the feeling of love is what is that feeling, i thought i felt it before but now i cant seem to find it
heard a song on the radio where the lyrics asked about if there was someone you ever loved, first person to pop into my head was my room mate. when ever i thought of wishing for something, being happy and with him were always the things on my mind when i crossed the bridge of hope on the way to and from my parents I would always think of how one day i hope to be fully with him
but now that he has somewhat showen me love back, instead of feeling warm and happy and accepting it as the thing i have been wanting i am stepping a little back and trying to reflect on it
when i met him i was in a bad place of lonely and he gave me everything i was lacking at the time and provided some new experiences i had never had anyone so close before so i was sure that was what love was so i clung to him but I did some bad stuff with cheating and such, so i am not sure if it was that i loved him or if it was just that i loved the feeling it gave to think i loved him or maybe i just enjoyed getting to beat myself up over the terrible things i did and i continue to do either way there is a possibility that i clung to him on a feeling that may not have even been love i like to think it was though, and now i am not sure if i cling to him because of love or because i fear change and what life might be if i did not have him
i finally broke up with ty because i was quite sure that i was just scared of missing out on all the stuff he had going and that what was keeping me with him was no longer unconditional love
now when i think of joe i think of all the bad times and all the mean stuff he has said and all the stuff i take wrong and all the bad stuff i have done to him and i am not sure what to think of him and me we don't seem to have things in common, we like things way different from each other and i cant think of anything to strike up conversation about, and it had been a while since i felt warm coming home to him, for a few days we could not make it 24 hours without getting upset, but i guess that has changed quite a bit now, he doesn't seem annoyed when i feel like getting cuddles and lay next to him on the couch and he seems more into playing games together, and will even put his arms out to hug me and many other nice things he has started doing recently
and has not mentioned anything about my laziness with not getting work done
though he has gotten short with my over questioning, since i guess i should not question so much and just start doing, it is just that i hate being unsure, I would swear that some people seem to just have this understanding of how things work and what to do which I seem to be lacking
my big problem right now is that my emotions are so up and down about all this if i come back and read this in five minutes i will hate myself for saying half the things i have said because they will no longer feel like they apply
with all my ups and downs, the only thing that seems to remain constant is that i still want to be with joe
Fay Da Way · Thu Jun 09, 2011 @ 04:23am · 0 Comments |
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