everyone is always searching for that special one that person that they can spend the rest of their life with that they can share their experiences, emotions, and troubles
someone to love forever and always
i can open my heart up to someone let nothing be secret give them everything that i am don't hold back feel like i have shared my everything making them my everything falling completely in love with them i find this very hard to do now i guess it doesn't help that last time i did this i was still holding onto a lie
in love i like that phrase i like it especially after a friend of mine that i was infatuated with explained to me that they love me but they are not in love with me funny how people can feel like they are in love with someone just to find out that the feeling is not mutual i don't think i am in love with anyone right now
i have friends and guy friends i love my friends but only to the effect that i love all my friends
i somewhat openly speak to my room mate about marriage they recently asked me how i would respond if they asked me i quite plainly said that i would say no yet earlier him and i were talking about how my sister would not allow him to come to the wedding and he made the comment that he wont let her come to our wedding (never actually mentioned it as our wedding, just talking about his wedding, i just assumed if my sister was wanting to go it would probably involve me) instead of questioning the wedding part i just argued that he should let her come
i used to think that i would marry him i wanted to with everything i had but then he told me that phrase that just broke my heart, all because i miss understood it "I would set a romantic mood and ask you to marry me, but I know what your response would be" he knew i would say yes, so he would not ask me that ran through my mind and ripped holes in my heart for a few days then he added that he wants to stay together but be able to see other people that hurt even worse, till i ran off for the comfort of another guy
i keep writing this situation down over and over again that doesn't change what happened and it still doesn't change the emotions i get from it every time i think about it i feel broken and stupid all over again
it was not just that situation, there were other influences too that was just what i like to focus on for some reason i think because it makes it seem more like his fault rather than mine
now whenever i think i can open up and be with one of the people around me i feel i am just lieing to myself i lie about everything just about all my emotions are fake when ever i say i love you i feel a twinge in the back of my mind, calling myself a dumb b***h for using a phrase like that a phrase that i only seem to use to convince people that i care about them more than others then just turning around and saying it to someone else rofl
i feel heartless i want to love one person because they show me affection and love and they have been so ambitious recently but i feel they will not make a good long term partner because i just get an odd feeling about it i cant help it if inside i have decided not to be with someone
i want to love another person because from the outside they look like everything i want and am attracted to and they have been so warm recently but much of the time i feel like i am trying to hug a porcupine because i never know if i will get the soft belly or the pointy quills, if i act wrong he can be so cold i am too worried about his reactions to do anything, i end up emotionless and full of anxiaty
i just keep jumping back to this situation, i think it has tore out what was left of me
i cant love anyone and may never find a complete love i am to nervous to go out looking for anyone because i don't want to lose what i might be able to get if i stay here but if i wont get it anyway then what is the point of wasting the most attractive years of my life on doing nothing
i love everyone, hate myself yet i only think of myself and see everything as it might pertain to me
i am a self focused self hater
i need to break out of this mood it only keeps me down
maybe i can do what i was planning just open up and love my room mate, ignoring everyone else feeling happy with him and not having to fear ever being alone
odd, when i time out on my log in, it goes to this page http://www.gaiaonline.com/register/flash/?v=c&&redirect=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.gaiaonline.com%2Fmygaia%2F
Fay Da Way · Tue Sep 21, 2010 @ 06:34am · 0 Comments |