i am all moved out of my apartment and into my friend's house
it is nice to be rooming with a friend
it is odd, i feel more lonely than i was when i was in my apt alone
the friend i live with seems to have a cold center that i thought i could get around before but only found more stone. i don't have a strong enough heart to be with someone who does not show they care. it is kinda silly but i need constant attention and affection, without others making me feel full i am empty
i guess it is to early to tell how my living here will be i would like to spend at least another month here but i do feel quite empty and cold yet this house is very comforting, i usually cant stand being alone in a building, especially when there are large dark holes in the walls surrounding me that a massive animal larger than a human could fit through (... going to stop that before i start feeling afraid and nervous *continues to look over shoulder and around room at all the dark openings), but the way this house is i feel safe so i think i will be ok here
so i guess i am currently empty but safe
my love doesn't like the idea of me living with my ex he has found a job that i can take and an apartment if only he could find that for himself
my lonelyness could also be because before this i was not completely alone in my apartment my love spent an entire month with me i was never alone and i was always warm and happy with them even at work they would come and bring me my meal during lunch they also always cooked an awesome meal for supper and even breakfast i think i only ate cereal once when they were around it felt good being taken care of
here i am alone again i have to take care of myself my room mate was thinking of raising my rent by 100 then they would buy the meals but if they are not going to also cook them, this means nothing to me it will just make me all nervous about eating any of the food because i dont know if they were saving it for something so i wont know what to eat when to eat i will be nervous and anxious
i guess that is nothing new especially being around him my room mate, my ex, a person i look up to as successful i wonder if they feel successful, they have a good career, a house, and goals for the future
i get depressed when i think of my position, i have a job, it is the only thing that seems to be keeping me here instead of moving back in with my parents but i do not have a career, and i have not had the ambition for over a year to get started on what should be my career if i would only get started i probably could get somewhere
i dont have a house but i do have a place to live i pay rent helping a friend pay for their house and with the set up i have i dont have to worrie about leaving in the middle and having to find a subleaser, i can leave whenever i want just pack up and go ( got a lot of baggage i will have to store somewhere, i dont need most of it ) but my boyfriend wants me to move again right away, to a place where i will have to sign a lease and be locked in for a year with no easy exit strategy there are some perks to the place my boyfriend wants me to move to, i get the possibility of a full time position rather than part time, but i have no idea of the pay or the requirements, so i might be fired imediately after being hired, atleast walmart gives me a false sense of stability
i guess it does not matter i have no future goals except to eventually get that job, that ethereal thing i keep looking at just to bring myself down because i know i have yet to even reach for it, it is just there to mock me and make me feel useless i am ok with going anywhere doing anything and hopefully get the will to reach
for now i entertain myself with what is around me
... i just noticed that in my last entry i was all happy that my boyfriend let me go and see my ex silly that i should have to ask permission it is my choice where i go and what i do it seems quite controlling that i should need his permission silly tibbers
but i guess i didn't mind asking permission because it was more a question of if my boyfriend had the trust in me or if he was too full of doubt
the more i go on the less trust i seem to have from friends i guess i am just irresponsible and undependable
i love the people around me they make me feel so great about myself
yey it is 10 pm and my room mate finally got home they seem very angry and tired and not wanting to be around me i asked them if they wanted to play any games together they said they did not know what they wanted to play and now they are playing on their computer right next to me but we are not talking at or playing with eachother
the fun thing is they are playing the game that they had suggested i buy then five minutes later decide that i should not buy it because they thought i was never going to see them again funny how things work out
Fay Da Way · Sun Aug 01, 2010 @ 02:24am · 0 Comments |