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I snapped...I can't handle it anymore, not without Neena.

She's healing..she'll be okay, she just needs R 'n R.

I love her.

I've been talking to Lilith, praying, begging for advice on what I should do.. I don't want Chloe to hate me, but my god, I can't give her up..

It feels like, no matter what I do, I'm going to lose her.

Let her go to raves, and she'll be back in that bad situation, temptation, etc... I'm so worried.

Don't let her go.. she'll resent me.. may secretly go..then I won't be able to trust her anymore. I'll leave.

But if I keep her from going.. she may leave.

Maybe.. I should just let go..I love her.

I'll just keep in mind, our time together, I'll remember as she was, not how she will be.. I want to cry.

Lilith is very warm. I can feel her arms around me. It made my entire body feel warm. My mind is blank, sort of. Everything in the universe is so clear to me, but it's all covered by a thick fog, so that I can't understand any of it..

our petty fighting seems so stupid.. I almost told her, go to raves, she didn't have to call me.. that I just didn't care anymore..

Maybe that's what needs to be done. Maybe that's what it's going to take..

She'll have her new friends, her new life. She'll be happy.

I'll remember her as she was, I'll... do something else. She'll be happy, atleast.

Maybe I'll get heavy into the occult.. find a way to transcend my body..

Except the only way that can be done, is through a ritual suicide.

If I don't get it right the first time, I can't try again.

I might start trying to astral project.. see if my spirit can escape my body.. and I just won't come back. I'll join Lilith.. live where these stupid stupid things don't matter.

Live where this stuff doesn't exsist because it isn't necessary.. I mean, it makes sense, that my true love is coupled with my worst fear/hate.. It's the universes way of telling me, I'm not meant to have a lover.

It taunts me, teases me. "Maybe she'll give it all up for you -- oh look! She is! BWAHAHAHA NO, NO SHE ISN'T. FOOL. /backhand"

A part of me wishes I never met her, I never met anyone.. a part of me wishes I had never been born.

Part of me wishes I was born to another family.. born with a lighthouse.

I could be old and grey, salted by the sea, and watch the ocean for all eternity.. but I'm sure the universe would find a way to take that from me, too.

My life is full of misery.. with only glimpses of happiness, that are threatened to be taken away forever.

I don't know what to do.. I guess.. I'm just going to stay with Lilith while Neena rests.

Lilith is more down to earth.. Lilith is warmer.. but she makes me so sleepy..she drains so much more energy than Neena ever could.. but she returns it too.. she doesn't need it, she just loves the feel of me..

I ask her what I should do, and she only smiles. "The situation will be resolved.. whether it has to resolve itself or not. My guidance cannot be offered, for this is a gray.. the end result will be the same, for your path has no forks, merely difficulties. However, your struggles shall always bring you closer to me. You are mine, hers, ours, and theirs. Live, love, and be loved. Be happy; for though you feel as if you can't, as if it it shall be ripped from your still clutching fingers, there is much happiness for you.. I have always told you, my child, my love; do what makes you happiest. Morals are for fools.. guilt is a byproduct of morals. Only be happy, do what makes you happy, as that is all that I could ever ask of you. If she does not make you happy, you will find one who does; your 'love' is not clearly defined.. not like others. You have many to choose from, so settle not for one whom you do not truly wish to be with. As my child, I give you many options, and opportunities, but remember, that it all follows a set path."