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Well I just woke up out of a nightmare, figured I should come on and write alittle something about it to occupy my mind. Here I am at 5 o clock in the morning and I purposely woke myself up out of a dream, its strange how you can do that sometimes when you feel you can't take it any longer.

I was in the park behind my house in Colorado and I remember jumping over my back fence and Heather was there on the swing set reading a book, just waiting for me. I ran as fast as I could and dove onto her. After proceeding to knock her over onto the ground, I cuddled against her and she told me she was considering letting us get back together. She told me this was the reason why she loved me so, because I was always willing to be there for her. When I heard that, I forced myself awake, I could feel my heart swelling with a strange heat, kinda like when she first told me she had found someone else.

Anyway, onto a better note, just as things are finally starting to look up for me here in Arizona, I found out that my mom may lose our house. Its a strange story in itself in which I won't describe the details here, but it basically happened when my step dad called the cops on my younger brother for a certain reason. The cops didn't pick my brother up, but instead my mom came home and told him to get out of the house. Jeff is so melodramatic sometimes, and this proved to be yet another, he stormed out of the house without his stuff and apperently hasn't been back since Saturday.

My mom is arguing he had plans to be out of the house by August anyway, said she found a piece of paper with a scheme of sorts on it. I personally think its all a load of garbage, Jeff was emotional yah but he never would consider leaving us kids. Even if it is the truth, its understandable with the way he was treated in that household, my brother always got in fights with him over the dumbest things, and my mother refused to touch him at all. I imagine if I was in a similar situation...Hmmm actually its hard to say, I'm somewhat of a similar situation right now. Either way it spells trouble right now, this means its gonna be impossible for my mom to take on the mortgage by herself, and I already talked to my little brother about it. I wish he wasn't so arrogant, he thinks he can get away with this whole mess and not have to get a job to help provide for the family now.

No ones asked me for it yet, but I know my mom wouldn't unless she were unable to keep the house any other way, so I decided to start sending money home to help keep the house. The only problem is I don't start my new job until the 17th, and I only get a pay check twice a month. Most my money is going to be in the mail now, 300 to my daughter and 300 to my mom, that will leave me with roughly 160 bucks give or take training hours.

No what I found out the other day, Death Metal seems to help out alot when your feeling blue. Its a funny concept I guess, but I was heading up into the mountains in the Santa Fe, or Jeep if that helps, and I was still feeling like s**t thinking and thinking. I took my phone out(which I have no service on here) and plugged it into the little connector and started listening to Disturbed. I was head banging so hard that by the time I got to the top of Carr Canyon to pick up a load of rocks, my head was pounding. I found it relieving and still do to have my music blaring, it just helps me to think of other things.

My step mom Ilene says shes gonna take me to get highlights for my birthday. I told her I needed a new look, something that defined me as a different man than I was in Colorado, and she clapped her hands joyously. I can tell she was probably thinking about it the whole time, before I even asked. Its ok though, Karla told me a long time ago I looked good as a blond, so I'll give it a try, but first I need to let a professional cut my hair. I've cut my own hair so long that the look I always give myself looks bland, and theres no chance in that so I have to try something new.

Yesterday I got myself a Deviantart account, figured I would start posting my drawings and stories up on there to perhaps impress my friend Sean or a little someone else if she ever figured to look(she wont). The damn thing told me my email was already taken, so I put it off again and went about my role plays when I got home later in the day. I know a couple of you are alittle happy about the break up, I haven't been on this many times since before me and her got together, but I've learned my lesson and I won't let a girl take priority over everything...well atleast I can try, you can't blame me if I do. I don't think theres much worry there though, of the girls that I have met since it happened, no one catches my attention and trust me I have been out there.

Denny's, Jacobs club, I've been out every other night doing something to try and help myself, I met a pretty nice waitress at the Denny's, I can't remember her name for the life of me however. I think Ill be hanging out there most often now rather than the dance club, although I do admit the thought of Denny's requiring a security detail puts me off it a bit, the security guard already thinks I'm awesome, awesome I word nearly everyone here has used atleast once to describe me. I've said it so many times now though, and will probably say it a couple more times, "if you only knew me just a month ago you would disagree with yourself."

I've finally made it out of the most painful part, I just wish the dreams would stop. I have so many things to think of now, no time to mop around and be depressed. Which reminds me, I need to find a way out to Colorado this month to see my daughter which isn't going to be easy, my new job lists my only 2 days off at opposite ends of the week, and no ones gonna let a new guy just up and disappear for half a week, but I gotta try you know...