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Depression is a strange thing really, any emotion allowing for the most concerning things to happen with little regard to the bodies will to try and tame it. I have been able to fill my thoughts with other things thankfully since I came here to arizona. I got my ear pierced again, and I'm thinking about what kinda tattoo would impress her the most without straying to far from my own talent...and then I wonder why I am trying so hard to change myself still. Im on the phone speaking with my daughter for nearly an hour, and all I can think of is if Jenny will ever be able to sleep with me and her together again, and what happened to the perfect mother that I was so sure I had found. Its a useless effort, because in reality, she will never come back to me now that she knows she can have so much fun without being tied down, and I let her go.

Its been nearly 4 days since I last ate, and I couldn't hardly notice the pain in my stomach, until I had a bowl full of rice this morning, and realized how terrible it made me fell. Its hard to eat when your stomach is filled with blood, the body can digest nearly 1/10th of all the blood in your system before you vomit. I need to eat says my dad, this afternoon when I went to dig the ditch to help irrigate his foundation, I couldn't life the pick axe above my hip, so I just dropped it and went inside. I've never been so uncompleted by work in my life, even when we first broke up I looked forward to working at tacobell, cause it meant I could divert my attention still longer, but now all I can do is draw, barely play my violin, and think. I can't really say, I'll be able to find light without my daughter in my sight at all times now, and thats pretty hard considering shes back in colorado...I just dont know what I can do anymore.