Hell is really the only way to describe the last 2 weeks. Because of reluctance to chance I have lost a part of my soul, and I fear I may never get that part of me back now that she has seen the better parts of life. I've been stuck inside, stuck with the same old life that I was taking to, its not my fault though, I had to be mature for myself and my daughter. I moved back to arizona now, its to difficult to be in Denver any longer, can't even sleep in my own bed because it brings up to many memories, memories that I had to go and screw up. If I had just allowed myself to be more social, more accepting, and more outgoing I would have never lost her in the first place.
I've changed alot in the past 3 years, but not nearly as much as I have in the last 2 weeks. I've rewritten my entire thought process just so that I could be more accepting, and funnier, I go out and hang out with groups and listen to Yokka all day. I tried to tell her, but she didn't believe me and worse still she blocked my number, its ok though I was trying a bit to hard, I don't blame her.
I just wish things could go back to the way they where before, I've had nightmares every single night since we fell apart, but the worse part was waking up and realizing I couldn't wake her up, call her and her the sweetness that was her voice when she moaned awake in the morning, couldn't fall asleep to the sound of her voice at night when I said goodnight, I love you.
They airplane trip was unnecessarily long, it made it hard for me to keep my mind off what happened. Though what made it worse was the couple sitting on the plane in the same isle as I, they where just so happy together, hugging and laying back with one another. It was difficult to even read my book when they where just so happy, and I miserable since the day this started. I couldn't take my shades off even when all the lights turned off, I was to afraid they would see my heart bursting into pieces threw my eyes, so I kept myself.
When I started unpacking in my room, I found all the pictures of my daughter and heather where ripped up, and the picture frames where shattered. I cryed so hard I had to sufficate myself in the pillow just to stop anyone from waking up.
Its hard to even talk to people here, just like before they are all so obsessed with there things, but I have to try atleast, if not I will never show her. I'm hoping to join the cubscouts as a trail leader, or perhaps the running group, seeing as I've been getting up in the morning every day and running for 2 hours. I have more changes in store as well, Im joining the college here when the next semester starts, and hopefully Ill be able to get a couple certificates while I'm here, so when I go back I can move out and hopefully bring heather with me...if she lets me atleast.
I have alot to do still though before I can face her again, but the part that hurts me the most, the thought that fills my nightmares at night, that she won't be the same when I get back, that she will have changed from the most wonderful woman ever to walk the planet. I'm convinced that god, or whoever it is made only a few women in the world worth keeping, and she is the only one I will ever know. My friends told me I will date again, but after having such a wonderful woman at my side for so long, all other girls just make me writhe. Nothing compares, and if I lose her, I know I'll probably never date anyone again.
Either way, I still have my daughter, and I have to stay happy and alive for her atleast. I need to continue moving forward for Jenny, if its not for myself anymore.
I made a promise that I would marry her, and I always keep my promises, as long as she let me.
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Riarukun
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What's coming through is alive.
What's holding up is a mirror.
But what's singing songs is a snake
Looking to turn my piss to wine.
They're both totally void of hate,
But killing me just the same.
Stalkers caught:2
What's holding up is a mirror.
But what's singing songs is a snake
Looking to turn my piss to wine.
They're both totally void of hate,
But killing me just the same.
Stalkers caught:2